Definitely Maybe

"To my darling daughter April, 'The human heart has hidden treasures, in secret kept, in silence sealed. The thoughts, the hopes, the dreams, the pleasures whose charms are broken if revealed.'

From your loving father "

Jane Eyre, Random House, 1943

Mind over Body. Pain over all...matter 😅

Once again, I'm in a predicament where my mind is ready to move on. But God damn it, my heart won't stop with the hurting.

我不甘心。

I know it's done. Its over. 

I've done my five stages of grief already, can I just move forward already 😑😑😑

Communication

"Communication is nothing without respect, action and agreement."

I just read that and it resonated greatly.

Cusp of Greatness

For the first time in my life... I keep getting this inkling feeling that I'm at the edge of something profoundly great.

And for days, the ghost of my past visited me in my insufficient dreams. 

It was real tripy. 

"FYOV"

Forty-year-old version, indubitably.

FYOV, FYOV

Not telling truth 

just don't make sense to me.

Holding back from who you should be.

Fund your own vision

Fill your own voice

Fuck you old vultures 

~The Forty-Year-Old Version

    (that's who i'll be)

Battlefield

This is the age of ground zero.

Anything you built will crumble to soil.

Compost, fertilizer, scraps from your past.

Peace as the illusion where tears becomes a feat.

Suicidal ideology vs Suicide

Suicidal ideology is seeming more like a coping mechanism for the uncontrollable pain that runs rampant in a person when life is out of control. Cutting is a form of trying to regain control of what couldn't be controlled.

Suicide gets called an selfish act...

But no one understands the relief that was sought after behind the act of agony; it's an individual performing a mercy kill for themselves, like a person would put a wounded animal out of their misery with a swift death.

The act was the last resort....and the thoughts were just mental relief for the pain temporarily. 

An Apology

道歉是这世上最没用的忏悔。 除了能让你自己好过，根本毫无用处。尤其在你伤害了别人以后。 办错了事就得赎罪。 我情愿上刀山，下火海，但我这辈子绝不对任何人说对不起。绝不 。(皓镧传Beauty Hao Lan ep16)