Unapologetically Franny

Year 2010 when I met Franny from working at Dish Network, located in College Point, Queens....
Mother of four, and married twice... dramatic life stories.... and mostly a very independently dependent single Mom; majority of the time.

Here I was hearing and then looking at a single mom, crying hysterically in fetal position, in the corner of a woman's bathroom at the job; which completely took away my need to take a piss at the time.
Got her car taken away because she had missed payments, while living in a shelter in Brooklyn at the time and working in Queens. (which is over 2 hours commute on public transportation.)

--------------------------------------------------------------Loaned her money out of my credit card's balance transfer program that charged 3% fee and then within a certain time limit to pay it back. If not paid in full during that limit, regular mostly fees would kick in as a killer punch in the face for owing money in the first place. (over 10% easily lol / monthly....for a fun snowball effect)

She got fired, then moved away to Florida...
I was laid off due to illness; and was unemployed for over 6 months. I spent that year desperately trying to make money,  took on three occupational roles, while attending school to finish my degree. I've never been so exhausted in my entire life.

I was promised that I'll be paid back when she get her tax return that year.... Then year after year. I didn't see a penny nor a dime. But she had money for cigarettes, bubble teas, multiple family vacations, & sending a friend money and buying her gift for a new baby. (which she recently complained on the phone with me about couple of months ago.)
Not mentioning eating out, doing her nails before she even moved to Florida, while she was still in NYC.

---When I needed help getting out of an environment surrounded by Josh, and then Juan... she had been driving around her aunt's van all day? and decided to use me to fill the tank when all I needed was for her to come get me and then dropped me home, which is technically less than $15 for a cab right now to think of it. But she asked me for gas money. I gave her $20, because she needed to put something in the tank after driving around in it...... before I even called for help; Met her cousin that night. But I was hurt. The one time I asked for a favor, reached out and asked for help---- she asked me to pay for it basically. lol

---She was in a hospital ER due to her gall stones getting bad on her...  I went out of my way, an over 2 hour commute, went to pick up her kids from school and then took all of them to Wyckoff Hospital. She was mad at me for getting there late, and that she could of asked somebody else.
I was hurt too, for not wanting her to go through things alone.

---There were minor things here and there.... but I never got on her case about it... my fault... I know. But only she would know why, because she says "because you're Jessy" // You wouldn't attack me when I'm going through a tough time basically.

Well.... since she moved away...from Florida...then to frigging Tennessee... army base home...
She has always asked me to visit, when I was coming... and if I had cost concerns, that I could just stay with her, and her mom could use her airline buddy passes to get me there...etc etc etc...and how she and the kids had missed me.... lol

Last year, she came for my birthday(7/16)... and paid for certains things. (Either the meal or at the hookah place, I just thought people split tabs. )

I was surprised she came, and surprised she paid. lol Well according to her she did, I didn't go verifying lol It'd be in poor taste. Besides Erick was and always be a cheapskate.

So this July rolled around, and we had been talking about me visiting her again and seeing the kids etc in Florida when she would go there celebrating her birthday and doing another family vacation. lol

I ended up booking round trip tickets to Florida that was over $400, because her mom was out of buddy passes.
Then I get a call telling me to book a hotel room, then she said I could sleep in the living room if I get an air mattress.

The day of my flight, Friday (7/19). I asked my manager for a day off of work.
I had to get up to get ready at 5am. She calls me at around 1am ish....
"Jessy are you still coming? " .... I knew she didn't want me to as soon as I heard that lol

Then she told me to book a hotel room again; so last minute of course the prices went up....Again. It was going to be over $200/$250 off the bat or so...and that's a shitty hotel/motel/ inn whatever thing....

Then she tells me she plans on leaving the house to go disneyland, magic kingdom in orlando florida at around 7am ish.... while she knows my flight lands at 11:10am at Tampa florida.
Mind you, Florida is a very cab-less state.... lol I looked up a shuttle...would cost $259....

She also had plans for sea world for Saturday, then Universal Studios on Sunday. All the tickets alone...hundreds of dollars...easily said... lol A 3 day weekend was going to about $1500 if not more, because everything was so last minute.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------No where in there was an apology tho... mostly her telling me family drama and how stressed she was... so just an explanation mostly and her venting. --------------------------

I ended up canceling my flight... which in Matt's math terms, was me eating the cost to prevent a nightmare weekend of me alone in a state I've never been to, and with no one to look out for me there. And him worrying about me.
(She sounded upset that I didn't discuss it with her and canceled my flight/ which I informed her by text.)

It was a stressful week, needless to say.... this crap...and Matt's crap...and money stresses me, always.

Days later ... I get a message on my Facebook inbox.... her asking me to Western Union her money.
(That night, I deactivated my Facebook ... took unlinked my google voice to the phone, and offlined my actual phone service. )
The following morning (7/24) I get missed calls and text messages from super early in the morning ... from her.


I was going through so much crap with Matt, and then her bullshit; it was the last straw.
For the first time in years... I had suicidal ideologies again... about bleeding myself dry in the bathtube... and then watching my blood filled the tiles of the bathroom floor. It made me very upset to realize the state I was in. I had nothing, but blood ties called family.
My birthday (7/28), which I had arranged a gathering of friends that Saturday of... on the 27th... which I was very close to calling it all off. Matt told me not to, said I should celebrate the day I was born.
I was so depressed, beyond words.
Everything else was all a fable of lies and fictional dramatizations.
I needed the support, from my friends... and I knew that; So I end up not calling it off and it was the worst birthday gathering ever arranged for me lol

Matt wasn't even going to be there for my birthday, because he screwed up and I didn't want to talk to him that Friday;  let along everything else that was going on. I get a text from him four something in the morning saying he doesn't want to hurt me anymore.

But I wanted him there. I needed him there. So I made him go. lol



In short, I was in the state of "Fuck it !" I was mentally and emotionally unstable.




Her debt to me, money wise... about / if not --over $12,000....I stopped doing the math when it broke $11,500 and there was more things to add, since I had covered her and the kids when we went out etc etc
It was so stressful to relive and think of everything in my head.

3 years not a dime... but I've had to sit through all sorts of things because of this woman and for this woman. Frankly, I think she's maxed out the credit limit, that she didn't even have to begin with. I just have a soft spot for single mom, and their kids I guess. lol

I've had friends and family, even acquaintances and a shrink, that tried straightening me out, understand why, while making me feel awful all at the same time. I understood their point, I did the same thing in my head before they jumped on board too, to be apart of my inner voice of harshness.


In short, people just aren't worth it. I'm over it. Fuck it.


I'm disgusted.

Xanga is ending...

And I haven't produced any work since I left school....

Maybe this thing shall become my new replacement journal site.... unless I go back to livejournal .. lol
But frankly, can't believe they are shutting down xanga...been using that thing for like 10yrs nows @_@

A Mother's day, without a mother in the house

This must be a bad year lol First time mommy's not here for her own bday and now Mother's day.  She said they won't be coming home soon from the way it seems, since my Grandparents aren't in the best of conditions right now.  Grandma has gallbladder stones that has formed beyond just in that organ, and in all different sizes. @_@" ... She needs surgery but her health condition hinders that option. Chinese herbal meds as a surgery free alternative, but her body still can't handle it. I really hope they can come back to New York soon, at least the medical facilities would put part of our minds at ease.

   Also told mom about recent things with Matt, since she asked about him.  Was that my mom's subtle way of being mad? since she always sounds so even tempered? lol that's my mom for ya ... just nice.  Daddy got on the phone trying to calm the conversation, and getting blamed for taking his side lol Just got put in the same category just for being male lol ... kind of funny lol And then there's my dad going ...what did i do? lol hahahhaa oh man... just too amusing. Then mom's mad at him? and they both tried to tell each other to butt out and chill...it's just funny hahha  I love my parents. I don't know what I would do without them.

     The only good thing would be I got away with crying for a day and a half without her here. She would of been in my room with wet and dry paper towels and a wet towel, trying to get me to stop crying, and making my eyes swollen and blood shot, then allergic to my own skin. I miss my mommy. She would of been in there just looking at my face seeing an expression she deems fishy, or hearing me cry from the next room..even tho I keep it low volume nowadays. She would just pop up lol, I even questioned if she had some kind of ultra sound bat hearing lol. My mom's amazing. 

Senior Thesis Exhibition - BFA of Fine Arts 2010

Directions: Take the #1 Train to W28st.

Thesis Paintings_Day 17 - 51 Hours

          Fridays seem to be a bad idea to paint, as they have a drawing class from 6pm onwards.
I didn't get much done but experimenting with possible backgrounds for the back pose and I worked on the larger portrait a little. Today was only useful for me to realize I really don't need the model to come in anymore. HHmmm... :/

Thesis Paintings_Day 16 - 48.5 Hours

          A day of drowziness and stomach pain...~_~"
Marcy took a took at all of my paintings at start of our class, and told me to focus on 3 paintings that needs more work. But sadly, the long figure painting is the one I am most sick and tired of = I don't want to deal with it any more. I've spent too much quality time with it... :: sighs ::...

The class was mostly spent on the back pose painting, and the rest on the new portrait painting - for fun.

          There will be a lot of over time invested before the show starts, I've arranged Fridays and Saturdays = Total of 12Hours, besides the 6hours of our classes during the week. I will also be dealing with the Thesis Paper :/...hhmm...

Right now the only paintings I will want in the show is the ear painting, and the two from last semester.
The hand, feet, and smaller portrait are all mostly done - but I'm not satisfied with them - nor do I adore them like my babies. :: discontent. ::.. I'm going to try and resolve this back pose painting, as it's my new love of interest.

------
          Lastly, Luisa informed me that Josh and Edyta has worked on the show cards, and it has been purchased at 1800Postcards (online) - We'll be splitting the amount on it later.

I was never contacted for any of the meetings, nor informed when I saw them - So I am displeased and feel left out. But I still want it to be a success, so I want to help and get the ball rolling. We still need a press release and the P.R. aspects of our social politics done in the coming weeks. Hhhhmmm......

-----

          A sample order of business cards came from Moo.com and it was nice, simple and likable.
However, I've been doing research and price comparisons; outside of experimenting layouts....

Lots to do... so little time... - Yet some part of me is feeling reckless and feel like pulling myself off of meds completely @_@" :: sighs ..::... I don't know...

Thesis Paintings_Day 15 - 45.5 Hours

I felt kind of depressed and discouraged since Wednesday night.
I was in a foul emotional state since Friday, and  I was still feeling that way when I was woken up this morning.
So I almost didn't want to participate in my life's activities today.
Li came from CT this morning too...
so she bribed me out with bubble tea after some rational thoughts being debated in the back of my head ...
.......

         First thing I did when I got to school about 5pm(till 10pm..)..was going back on the cropped ear painting; I went back to my old painting style and combined it with my current techniques. I felt kind of estrange for me to be mixing colors with a brush again, and with squeezed paint out from a tube... lol ...But I'm proud to say..."I pulled it off.." hehehe....

          Then I went back to do the shadows on the foot painting...

And Lastly, I pulled out the painting that I took a print of the back pose painting...
I had always like the self portrait that I did of just my facial shadows that was cast from dramatic lighting... so I thought I'd do one of those again...but regular lighting... 

I don't think it came out as nice at all >_<"

The only thing I that I liked about it was the fact that I was drawing with the brush how I did back in figurative drawing class... with my arm stiff and a little sore lol..it made me nostalgic.