Mind dump

It was nice meeting a competent new therapist last Tuesday. He definitely seems to have more common sense than my current psychiatrist..   or at least less bullshit. (Treating me like im fresh out the womb and don't know any better, smh ... Stupid bitch ... Yep still hostile.)

It's going to be productive with this therapist, I can feel it. It'll be productive for the both of us lol. Appearently I'm still being nominated by medical professionals to become a stand up comedian. 2023 and still going strong lol

I was very amused when he said on the scale of one to ten.... The more he listened to what I had to say... It went to 20... Then 30.... Hahahaha

I died a little there lol, joey did too when I told him about it 

It's been nice having a friend to hang out with at least once a week recently; due to our physical therapy appointments. 

And according to my cardiologist, I haven't gone back to see him for like 9 years... 

I'm stuck wearing another heart monitoring thing for days (like a week).... Itchy... Bad for my eczema. 

Not a fan before and still don't like it. I am surprised that it's equipment wise got upgraded from the stone age and is now working the Bluetooth and synced with a smartphone to go lol 

Now I'm just waiting on the CT angiogram that he wants to have me do as a precaution ...

#OldAgeIsReal

Reflections: Chapter 01 of A Purpose Driven Life (Book)

Reading a Book: A Purpose Driven Life 
Chapter 01 

It's rare for me to voluntarily read and or want to read on my own; Especially if it wasn't forced upon me by the obligations of life.

The author wants his readers to interact with his book for 40 days, as an experience and journey. 
A reflection of marinated thought, daily, per chapter. 



     As I read the first chapter, again, (since I never got too far the first time years ago) I had many instant disagreeing feelings to what I read. 

The message I reacted to was how a life that's self serving and self centered is wrong; especially when the author is addressing to me, his reader, about "My" - Life. 

Parents raise children to believe that being selfish is bad. And therefore: Wrong! 
But they never told me that being selfless can be harmful and painful to me and my well being. 
So of course when I felt that my self preservation instincts are being preyed upon by what I read, I strongly disagreed. (as a first response) 

As a child to their parental relationships, many of us try to escape the life of having our parental figures live their lives vicariously through us (some more forcefully than others, about how and who we should be, and therefore what to do, to become their dreams and failed aspirations). 

My life is mine. My time is mine. My direction to strive my life towards is also mine. 
I will not make someone else the star and backseat driver of "My"-Life. 
There's no investment like self investment.
It has never wasted my time nor attachments towards self improvement. 

But living selflessly, self-sacrificingly, have scorned me to crisps and burned my well being to the ground (in more ways than one). 

I'm not Gandhi.
I'm not Mother Teresa.
And nor will I ever aspire to be; For what I seek is simple and plain. 
I have no dreams about being an icon, or a looking point to inspire others. 

All I have ever wanted, was to live a peaceful life with a family of my own, as a whole. 
I have no grandiose dreams of being rich, famous, or influential. 
I actually don't want to be bothered by people.

It's peaceful.  

Hell on Earth

There is a reason why this prison is the worst hell on earth. Hope. 

Every man who has rotted here over the centuries, has looked up to the light, and imagined climbing to freedom. So easy. So simple. 

And like shipwrecked men turning to sea water, from uncontrollable thirst... many have died trying.

I learned here that there can be no true despair without hope.

Bane

Batman: Rise of Darkness

I will feed its people hope to poison their souls. I will let them believe that they can survive, so that you can watch them clambering over each other to stay in the sun.

King's Avatar

幻想和现实的区别是坚信不疑。

不可能到可能的距离是绝不放弃。

叶秋

君莫笑

Trust

"Trust only lasts until someone involved changes their mind." 

Tukasa 

Anime: Pet ep07 Revenge 

Pfizer Vaccine - Covid-19

April 30th, 2021, Friday, about 2PM I left the vaccination site. 

My arm where the shot was, it didn't hurt at first but it gradually started to hurt as hours went on. But I learned my lesson from the first shot, pick the arm you don't end up sleeping on the most. 

930PM - Updates : I'm feeling a little bit of head discomfort and I'm feeling warm. However, my body temperature is still within  normal range. I'm currently 98.2 degrees (F).

My 1st Art Patron

03/31/2021, today was a special day. A day I didn't think I'd get to see while alive. Someone purchased one of my artworks for the first time. I was overjoyed. 

 The funny thing is that I didn't even list my artworks for sale online anymore.  I haven't even tries to sell my artwork since  I was still in college.  This was a very pleasant surprise. 

I am grateful. I even received feedback for the work I sold.  

The saying is that, beauty is in the eye of the beholder; And since he was going to be the one looking at this piece of work on his wall from this point forward; through his eyes, what he sees, completes my creation.

I had a surprising realization about what this work meant to me, and how / what kind of attachment I had towards it.

 I originally thought I had zero attachment towards this piece, which was why I was OK with selling it.

But when I started thinking of a title to name it; I realized, it carried my relationship with Juan. My high school sweetheart, and one of the most painful love of my life.

 I used the flowers he gave me to make this artwork.  The flowers after it had dried ...

It still deteriorates after its death...  felt kind of poetic..... watching a leaf fall off of it... and crumbled a bit as it landed on my basement tiles..... 

 I had mourned our relationship and him like a widow from a forcibly dissolved marriage...

"My Almost Family"

Side note:

I was told I undersold my work and it's  monetary value. 😅 sheeessshhhh

Secondly, a lot of people seems to have a highly regarded and perceived opinion of this artwork. It's definitely more than I did or do right now lol so weird. 

But I have realized that my work with color, all have looked fantastic after I've digitally turned them black and white. I loved it so much more than when it was in vibrant, loud or dark colors.