Sales....

Half the familiar faces were gone.... New cubicles.... cramped spacial design on the main side.... but surprised that the Boss came this early because he heard I was back lol with his venti Starbucks coffee....chuckling while he sat in front of me in the display room.... even more surprised that he had spoken of me recently and told people to see if they could get me back to the company lol and then I ended up calling and here I am again lol

It felt nice to be recognized and remembered for my hard work. :)

Moises & Minions

It was nice to see a man put in so much effort for me, which I haven't seen nor felt in a long time.
Today wasn't as hot as a few days ago since we had some rain; but I still wouldn't want anyone to suit up and etc lol
He came in a 3 piece suit, summer appropriate colored tie and dress shirt...and the shoes.... the whole nine yards... and his hair ironed out lol 

He stood there, holding a big Target bag...instead of his messenger bag; which he wears for work.

We saw the new movie "LUCY" that just came out  07/25/2014
Then afterwards he told me it was a gift for me, since my birthday's on Monday this year.

He had me open it while we waited for the bus to go to Time Sq. area for dinner.
First he took out a minion book-bag...
inside the book-bag there was a large minion stuffed animal  :-D
and another zipper opened up to a minion t-shirt... :-D
And then he pulled out a minion trio set from that giant bag he was carrying... with one other small individual minion by itself

I was so happy and kind of at a loss for words... hehehhe............ even though everything he got me was off the kids' section, so I couldn't fit nor wear any of it lol hahahhaa...awe man...hehehe

This is a man I've shunned from my life for years now...

On top of all this.... the whole time... I was picking up this scent... cause it was so familiar, but I wasn't sure what it was...since the fragrance changes through out the day and it interacts differently per person's body odor...

So I asked him what it was.... and he asked me if I liked it...
because it was a cologne that I told him I loved a long time ago...when I first discovered it.... "Bleu de Chanel"

How much thought this man had to put in ... for me... years later.... lol
Felt very loved today. 

He didn't even sleep yet... since he went to shop for me after work apparently...

It was a little bitter sweet for me.  

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I was disappointed since none of it fits me..... so it kinda felt like it wasn't really for me...
Just like the last time he tried to give me a present.... the $100 Godiva chocolate with the red velvet box that had crystals on-top.
He thought I would like the box... but it was all wrong... So it just felt like I wasn't the person he was gifting...because he had no idea what I'd want... lol Like he didn't know me :/ and that hurts

Maybe it's just me... but if I'm giving a gift, and it's a person close to me, or someone I'm dating and etc etc..
I'm going to give something I know the person receiving it...would:
A) want
B) Love
and C) find useful and etc etc.... unless it's just a B.S. gift...for gifting appearance sake....or I was lazy lol or perhaps didn't have the time. 

Bones - Season 9 ep17

Bones Season 9 ep17

"Before I realized that we were symbiotic. Like a clown fish and a sea anemone. You and I, we're bound to one another. So much so that I don't feel that I could survive without you. You nurture me. You protect me. You are my home. If I were to damage that by a meaningless dalliance, it would be like killing myself. Something that I would never do. I would never let anything compromise the life we share, Booth. I love you."

Do what makes You -> Happy....

What would make me happy?

A job where I get to help people.... but I don't want to hear bitching all day just like most Customer Service jobs. Since most people call in act ungrateful, nasty, and greedy. They all call in like you owe them something and how you did them wrong...etc etc....

I just want a service job where I help, because they need it....needed it badly.... and I can be thanked for helping and not being told what else I can do, like I was below competent...before they get all nasty or even start cursing.


I love to help, but only for those in need.... who'll appreciate the help they are getting, because I can always not help them so damn much...

Honesty

A vow
A promise

A WORD.....

A commitment for loyalty.

It's odd to have no words, no promise, no vows....kept....... yet to still believe one is faithful, and as committed as he says or pretends to be.


Loyalty... is a form of honesty; To know his heart belongs to me, and not shared with any one else... is the only thing I haven't been able to see otherwise.

But it's hard to believe that... to a married man.

It's hard to call mine... when a piece of paper states otherwise.

Honesty looks like a fluffed cloud.... blurred in a fog.

Willing Pain.... is Love just a form of sadomasochism?

"I can see how much pain you're in.
Is it worth it...to have your own happiness so contingent upon another human being?"

"If I was willing...to  give up my life for Sachi...why would I not be willing to risk my happiness for her? "

Bones Season 4 ep. 23

Year and a Half and it's like we never happened...." I " have no spacial data in his mind.....

I took nyquil and went to sleep, woke up with some weird dream again... seems to be getting a lot of that in the last 7 days or so :/

Well... today... the dream's setting was in a Home Depot, and Matt worked in it? lol I was following him and another woman, till I lost trace of them. They entered a secluded space.... that was guarded. The spots where I managed to peek... it looked like they were speaking intimately and dancing some sort of fierce tango later on?? lol

I just feel so defeated with all this paranoia going on in my subconscious and when I'm conscious. Our talk during the weekend really rung a few bells at Nori Nori.
I feel taken for granted.
I feel alone.
I don't feel loved as much any more.... nor much at all when I look at everything.

I'm starting to wonder if friendship was what this was suppose to be...

Just in the last few days.... the alarms seems to ring louder in my head...
From wanting to see him as the Father of my kids... to being afraid if he was the Father of my kids...

I'm constantly being forgotten...
God forbid I die or become disabled, he won't be table to take care of me... or kids....

This is starting to feel like another one of those relationships, where I'm just placed in their lives to help them ease into and out of a tough transition in their life.... :: deep sighs ::......


How do you go into the same restaurant we've been to countless of times.... and not know what to order for me??
How can you not know what my favorites are??
I have no space in your life, in your mind....you made no effort, no room... to retain me in your existence....

I want you to have me in mind so badly... I feel like I've been living in a delusion, just overlooking everything... since I want this to work so badly.... But just to realize I've been fighting for nothing?? I don't know how you love people or express that love.... but this really sucks.



Losing will....