A vow
A promise
A WORD.....
A commitment for loyalty.
It's odd to have no words, no promise, no vows....kept....... yet to still believe one is faithful, and as committed as he says or pretends to be.
Loyalty... is a form of honesty; To know his heart belongs to me, and not shared with any one else... is the only thing I haven't been able to see otherwise.
But it's hard to believe that... to a married man.
It's hard to call mine... when a piece of paper states otherwise.
Honesty looks like a fluffed cloud.... blurred in a fog.
Showing posts with label Matt Gorin. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Matt Gorin. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Year and a Half and it's like we never happened...." I " have no spacial data in his mind.....
I took nyquil and went to sleep, woke up with some weird dream again... seems to be getting a lot of that in the last 7 days or so :/
Well... today... the dream's setting was in a Home Depot, and Matt worked in it? lol I was following him and another woman, till I lost trace of them. They entered a secluded space.... that was guarded. The spots where I managed to peek... it looked like they were speaking intimately and dancing some sort of fierce tango later on?? lol
I just feel so defeated with all this paranoia going on in my subconscious and when I'm conscious. Our talk during the weekend really rung a few bells at Nori Nori.
I feel taken for granted.
I feel alone.
I don't feel loved as much any more.... nor much at all when I look at everything.
I'm starting to wonder if friendship was what this was suppose to be...
Just in the last few days.... the alarms seems to ring louder in my head...
From wanting to see him as the Father of my kids... to being afraid if he was the Father of my kids...
I'm constantly being forgotten...
God forbid I die or become disabled, he won't be table to take care of me... or kids....
This is starting to feel like another one of those relationships, where I'm just placed in their lives to help them ease into and out of a tough transition in their life.... :: deep sighs ::......
How do you go into the same restaurant we've been to countless of times.... and not know what to order for me??
How can you not know what my favorites are??
I have no space in your life, in your mind....you made no effort, no room... to retain me in your existence....
I want you to have me in mind so badly... I feel like I've been living in a delusion, just overlooking everything... since I want this to work so badly.... But just to realize I've been fighting for nothing?? I don't know how you love people or express that love.... but this really sucks.
Losing will....
Well... today... the dream's setting was in a Home Depot, and Matt worked in it? lol I was following him and another woman, till I lost trace of them. They entered a secluded space.... that was guarded. The spots where I managed to peek... it looked like they were speaking intimately and dancing some sort of fierce tango later on?? lol
I just feel so defeated with all this paranoia going on in my subconscious and when I'm conscious. Our talk during the weekend really rung a few bells at Nori Nori.
I feel taken for granted.
I feel alone.
I don't feel loved as much any more.... nor much at all when I look at everything.
I'm starting to wonder if friendship was what this was suppose to be...
Just in the last few days.... the alarms seems to ring louder in my head...
From wanting to see him as the Father of my kids... to being afraid if he was the Father of my kids...
I'm constantly being forgotten...
God forbid I die or become disabled, he won't be table to take care of me... or kids....
This is starting to feel like another one of those relationships, where I'm just placed in their lives to help them ease into and out of a tough transition in their life.... :: deep sighs ::......
How do you go into the same restaurant we've been to countless of times.... and not know what to order for me??
How can you not know what my favorites are??
I have no space in your life, in your mind....you made no effort, no room... to retain me in your existence....
I want you to have me in mind so badly... I feel like I've been living in a delusion, just overlooking everything... since I want this to work so badly.... But just to realize I've been fighting for nothing?? I don't know how you love people or express that love.... but this really sucks.
Losing will....
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Side Effects
It's strange to feel all the pain that I've been holding off.... yet... the only thing I feel is an abundance of love for you, and the longing to be with you. This is a horrible combination.
"Marriage is about figuring out how to make it through when things change."
~Lie to Me (Season 1 ep. 10)
It's weird to feel the obligation of a wife, esp. to a man that's not married to me. lol What a joke.
And now I'm back to angry and hurt.
fault: monogamous lol
"Marriage is about figuring out how to make it through when things change."
~Lie to Me (Season 1 ep. 10)
It's weird to feel the obligation of a wife, esp. to a man that's not married to me. lol What a joke.
And now I'm back to angry and hurt.
fault: monogamous lol
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Daily 3 pages & a Positivity Container?
After looking over Momo's current happiness, I was and still is happy for him and all his achievements. He is making his life better and I'm glad. :)
I recall buying a book he wanted from Union Sq. which he also wanted me to read... so I may receive the words of God and etc etc ... well...I ended up on her page from his...watched two videos from Joyce Meyer's broadcasts and it did put a smile on my face, and brighten how I felt a bit.
(I was cleaning my room and came across all the letters he had wrote, self delivered, or post marked.... each of them lengthy as a novel @_@" ) I read through some of them again, and felt loved, it was nice. But at the same time, I recalled the damages he had done, the pain, and the hate I once felt for that man. Oddly enough, as much as I loved Juan, I never managed to hate him. And as hurt as I am by Matt, all I feel is an abundance of love for him and the longing to be with him. Hours ago, I took a nap... I had a bad dream. Daddy had woken me up in the middle of my sleep to talk to me about the lady downstairs...again.
In my dream, for some odd reason, Josh, Christian and one other guy who gave me the impression that was his sibling as well...was staying at the house; while my Father was present as well. I walked to the room for my Grandparents, only to see the stranger sitting in the chair by the desk, eating walnut shrimp like a starved person and having made a huge mess on the carpet floor. It was as if the whole floor was the plate for what he was eating, it was everywhere. Then I went to the small room by the staircase, where Daddy has been resting recently.... only to find Josh and Christian there... and some where in all this...my Dad was there.....upset I think....
I was looking for you, walking through out my house. But all I saw were people I had cut off, and had stopped talking to for years... and a stranger that I've never even seen before, leaving me a mess to clean up after. The only response I got, and I think it was from my Dad, was that you had left... a long time ago, enough time to think you would already be somewhere under tunnel on your way home. You had left, without saying a word to me, and I was left looking for you aimlessly. All I wanted to do was cry, and that's exactly what I did after I woke up and realized the dream I had just had.... and cried myself back to sleep.
I don't understand why the loved ones I had cast away were in my dream.... :/ esp. one I recently spoke to and then realized why I had cast him away to begin with.
------------------------------------------------------
Set a firm date stating the first day you will refuse to dwell on the past and stick with it.
“Apply what you've learned from this breakup to your next relationship,” advises Dr. Whitbourne. “What lessons can you carry forward so that you reduce the potential for the next relationship to end the same way?
http://iamfedupwithyourliesandcheating.com/recovering-from-a-breakup/
-----------------------------------------------------
I recall buying a book he wanted from Union Sq. which he also wanted me to read... so I may receive the words of God and etc etc ... well...I ended up on her page from his...watched two videos from Joyce Meyer's broadcasts and it did put a smile on my face, and brighten how I felt a bit.
(I was cleaning my room and came across all the letters he had wrote, self delivered, or post marked.... each of them lengthy as a novel @_@" ) I read through some of them again, and felt loved, it was nice. But at the same time, I recalled the damages he had done, the pain, and the hate I once felt for that man. Oddly enough, as much as I loved Juan, I never managed to hate him. And as hurt as I am by Matt, all I feel is an abundance of love for him and the longing to be with him. Hours ago, I took a nap... I had a bad dream. Daddy had woken me up in the middle of my sleep to talk to me about the lady downstairs...again.
In my dream, for some odd reason, Josh, Christian and one other guy who gave me the impression that was his sibling as well...was staying at the house; while my Father was present as well. I walked to the room for my Grandparents, only to see the stranger sitting in the chair by the desk, eating walnut shrimp like a starved person and having made a huge mess on the carpet floor. It was as if the whole floor was the plate for what he was eating, it was everywhere. Then I went to the small room by the staircase, where Daddy has been resting recently.... only to find Josh and Christian there... and some where in all this...my Dad was there.....upset I think....
I was looking for you, walking through out my house. But all I saw were people I had cut off, and had stopped talking to for years... and a stranger that I've never even seen before, leaving me a mess to clean up after. The only response I got, and I think it was from my Dad, was that you had left... a long time ago, enough time to think you would already be somewhere under tunnel on your way home. You had left, without saying a word to me, and I was left looking for you aimlessly. All I wanted to do was cry, and that's exactly what I did after I woke up and realized the dream I had just had.... and cried myself back to sleep.
I don't understand why the loved ones I had cast away were in my dream.... :/ esp. one I recently spoke to and then realized why I had cast him away to begin with.
------------------------------------------------------
Set a firm date stating the first day you will refuse to dwell on the past and stick with it.
“Apply what you've learned from this breakup to your next relationship,” advises Dr. Whitbourne. “What lessons can you carry forward so that you reduce the potential for the next relationship to end the same way?
http://iamfedupwithyourliesandcheating.com/recovering-from-a-breakup/
-----------------------------------------------------
Monday, January 6, 2014
Ready for Disappointment
I can't look at you right now. Instant tear jerker.
You think I'm mad at you for not coming to see me in 4 days and perhaps we're fighting over something small again like before; which led to us splitting ways the first time (Nov. 21, 2013).
But I've been fighting the split up over major reasons since last summer.
I don't believe you want to be with me more than anything.
I don't believe you actually want this, like you say you do; like many things you said you will do but don't.
I don't believe you. I can't trust you.
I've been driving myself nuts for over 7 months (since June 2, 2012) , because of you.
This is not something small. It led us to fight over small things, but the root of the problem is huge.
I haven't felt loved for a while now.
(You made a promise to me that you'll quit smoking, lied about how often you smoked during the process.)
You walking out on me to go smoke, really triggered it. You told me you got bored, so you left to go smoke, without even letting me know you had left the house. (Nice to know all you need is boredom to break a promise.) I had to come downstairs looking for you, just to find nothing. (So much for " I wait for you all my life" lol) The first day of the New Yr, it felt like a reality check.
You decided to walk out on me in Nov. and gave me some bullshit reason. Then we got back together cause how miserable we felt lol
This feels like such a joke.
The only person who has ever lived up to the ultimatum proposal, after a relationship ended, was Moises. Nobody else.
So the chances of "us" after today, skinny to none. lol
Like you said, I deserve more and not feeling like I'm getting the petty end of the affection you're willing to give me.
You never ran after me when I left hurt, by you; Instead you would always let me go off, by myself, alone.
You never gave me an explanation that wasn't filled with holes and room for more doubt.
And you def. should of never... left a paranoid person this amount of free time, to go crazy in their mind on their on.... Insanity isn't that hard to reach, but you are.
Thurs: You told me you were too tired after work, so you went straight home.... even tho I'm on the way...
Fri. You told me you felt sick after work, so you went straight home.... even tho I'm on the way... and could of given you some antibiotics.
Sat. You told me when you woke up, that you felt really sick still, and Grandma's tea wasn't working.... we both agreed bedrest was the best for you, besides antibiotics (Your aunt would get for you).
Sun. You told me when you woke up, that you feel better, the sound of your voice was recovering and you were finally watching Sunday football after 12 years.
All I said was I was going to sulk a bit... and you went off ... in defensive mode. (If you're this sick and tired of me, of us, why prolong it? why get back together in the first place, wasn't it why you really decided to end it in the first place? )
I just wanted some attention from you, since haven't seen you in three days short of a week. But you tried to make me feel bad about wanting to see you. God forbid you pampered me just a bit.... lol To think I was thinking to take a trip to Brooklyn, but you didn't want to be with me on your days off; I guess football means more, esp. after missing it for 12yrs. Why would I matter...someone you don't even know for 2 yrs yet. :: scoffs ::.. You always knew just how to make a girl feel loved, endlessly... just like that stupid game you bought.
I don't want to be like Mary, and Franny; in a relationship dealing with a guy that they have to spy and check up on a regular basis; being crazy... wanting to check their e-mails, the phones, their facebook....etc etc... It's not me nor who I ever would want to become.
-----------------------------------------------------------Side note
(Can't believe this translation @_@" , it's awful // 娇气 = (temperamental)) and 撒娇 = (Play the woman) // no accuracy at all...jesus...
Oh wait...found better translations for 撒娇
acting coquettishly lol
throwing a tantrum, or a hissy fit lol
I preferred the term, pampering, indulging in bratty spoiled behavior...for translation :)
In context:
With parents it is acting like a small child and being a spoiled brat.
With a boyfriend is being flirtatious, teasing your bf etc..
Sunday, January 5, 2014
New Fav. vocab. "deign"
2nd unexpected fav. vocab. "Incubus"...the word...not the band...
Defines to: a male demon believed to have sexual intercourse with sleeping women. ( lol )
And The Devil Wears Prada (2006) Movie, is still by far one of my favs.
--------------------------------
"I" before "U", silly me to think that would ever form "us".
"My savagery pales in comparison to yours.
You won't drag me back into this world that had forsaken me.
You, who cheated me with the vaccine that gives me but the taste of the life I can never have. You, who gave me hope.
You're more of a monster than I am, and someday ...I will kill you for it. "
~ Dracula -season 1 ep 7
Defines to: a male demon believed to have sexual intercourse with sleeping women. ( lol )
And The Devil Wears Prada (2006) Movie, is still by far one of my favs.
--------------------------------
"I" before "U", silly me to think that would ever form "us".
"My savagery pales in comparison to yours.
You won't drag me back into this world that had forsaken me.
You, who cheated me with the vaccine that gives me but the taste of the life I can never have. You, who gave me hope.
You're more of a monster than I am, and someday ...I will kill you for it. "
~ Dracula -season 1 ep 7
Here's your freedom.
I don't want to have to wonder where you are when I don't see you and if it's really where you are or were at
I don't want to keep feeling like a crazy person all day and night thinking what you might be doing behind my back, or who you might actually be with.
I don't want to sit through this torture anymore.
All this paranoia you've caused, has been driving me nuts.
As much as I tried to suppress it, it's just too much to bare, esp. for a prolonged amount of time; as much as I love you.
I don't enjoy, being an paranoid, angry, and a resentful bitch, all because of how hurt I am by you. All because I love you, and or perhaps cares too much about you.
And on top of that, knowing you choose to quit, just like that.... really made me feel like it wasn't worth it, the more I kept on thinking and thinking.... I felt stupid for fighting so hard, and for what? I don't know. I have to fight with myself each and every day since I found out everything was a lie, and how it continued to be a lie since you didn't stop. And a good part of my instincts tells me you haven't neither. I can't even be 100% sure if who I fell in love with is actually the person you are or pretended to be. But to have to fight with you too.... feels like I'm forcing you into something you're not, or want to participate in this relationship when we both don't have to.
If it was for me... like you said... to not hurt me anymore.
You could of kept it honest, or at least tell me why in truth and then explained yourself fully. Or keep your words.
That's all I've ever asked from you.
I don't like ultimatums or even the thought of not being with you. But you keep telling me that you'll do something when you won't and just don't.
I don't want to chase after your promises anymore like a debt collector. It's very exhausting and it's not an occupation I'd ever sign up for.
But as of right now,
Let's be apart, until you do, and we'll stay apart if you happen to decide not to, as usual. It's okay.
I don't have to be your future, you know that. I can be, just apart of your past from this minute forward like you had chosen before; You're not stuck to me nor with me.
This is for your convenience, ease, and comfort, and you can quote me again like you did. Here's your freedom.
I don't know what you want from this, or what you want from me.... but the choice to fight or flight is always on the table for everyone.
I do love you, very much. I just don't know how to continue like this.
I don't want to keep feeling like a crazy person all day and night thinking what you might be doing behind my back, or who you might actually be with.
I don't want to sit through this torture anymore.
All this paranoia you've caused, has been driving me nuts.
As much as I tried to suppress it, it's just too much to bare, esp. for a prolonged amount of time; as much as I love you.
I don't enjoy, being an paranoid, angry, and a resentful bitch, all because of how hurt I am by you. All because I love you, and or perhaps cares too much about you.
And on top of that, knowing you choose to quit, just like that.... really made me feel like it wasn't worth it, the more I kept on thinking and thinking.... I felt stupid for fighting so hard, and for what? I don't know. I have to fight with myself each and every day since I found out everything was a lie, and how it continued to be a lie since you didn't stop. And a good part of my instincts tells me you haven't neither. I can't even be 100% sure if who I fell in love with is actually the person you are or pretended to be. But to have to fight with you too.... feels like I'm forcing you into something you're not, or want to participate in this relationship when we both don't have to.
If it was for me... like you said... to not hurt me anymore.
You could of kept it honest, or at least tell me why in truth and then explained yourself fully. Or keep your words.
That's all I've ever asked from you.
I don't like ultimatums or even the thought of not being with you. But you keep telling me that you'll do something when you won't and just don't.
I don't want to chase after your promises anymore like a debt collector. It's very exhausting and it's not an occupation I'd ever sign up for.
But as of right now,
Let's be apart, until you do, and we'll stay apart if you happen to decide not to, as usual. It's okay.
I don't have to be your future, you know that. I can be, just apart of your past from this minute forward like you had chosen before; You're not stuck to me nor with me.
This is for your convenience, ease, and comfort, and you can quote me again like you did. Here's your freedom.
I don't know what you want from this, or what you want from me.... but the choice to fight or flight is always on the table for everyone.
I do love you, very much. I just don't know how to continue like this.
Saturday, January 4, 2014
Slowly reacting....
It finally caught up to me ...
From end of Nov.21 morning till now ...
some part of me feels like he decided that because he has had it....
like i have been, so he took the easy way out and then realized how badly it felt to be apart...
And I was pissed that he chickened out and gave me some shitty story about it being for me, so we resumed.
I'm recalling that day....
We kissed and he just walked out of my front door.
Then I recall Juan, then I recall Moises...
From end of Nov.21 morning till now ...
some part of me feels like he decided that because he has had it....
like i have been, so he took the easy way out and then realized how badly it felt to be apart...
And I was pissed that he chickened out and gave me some shitty story about it being for me, so we resumed.
I'm recalling that day....
We kissed and he just walked out of my front door.
Then I recall Juan, then I recall Moises...
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Trust... it shouldn't get more complicated than that...
Myself of all people firmly agrees that in a relationship, no one was born ..just to... make you happy and love you how you want to be loved. Both parties have the right to fight or flight, but in this case... take it as it, one party willing to change and tries, or just leave and call it quits.
I'm thinking to myself ... maybe who and the kind of person I'd like to be with isn't who he is... (right now? .. then I feel like maybe I'm trying to change him and I feel awful. It's like I'm forcing him to become someone else.)
I feel like I'm making him miserable, then I feel even worse because I love him so much.
And those you love are the ones that hurts you the most...
That or our relationship is killing him?
-------------------------------------------------------------------
But from all the lies, misleading things he said to prolong his lies... does make me feel like I don't know who I've been with, is dating, and wanting a future with ( just makes me feel real stupid).
Everything I do, come across, even on a Facebook game.... is revolving around him.
It's like I'm living an illusion, that makes me question my reality all over again... more or less so.... and it drives me nuts.
I need stability.
Nothing feels permanent... unless it's something I'm in control of...
So I don't feel like my life is going crazy, and that I'm lost... like my childhood.
Trust... it shouldn't get more complicated than that...
I'm thinking to myself ... maybe who and the kind of person I'd like to be with isn't who he is... (right now? .. then I feel like maybe I'm trying to change him and I feel awful. It's like I'm forcing him to become someone else.)
I feel like I'm making him miserable, then I feel even worse because I love him so much.
And those you love are the ones that hurts you the most...
That or our relationship is killing him?
-------------------------------------------------------------------
But from all the lies, misleading things he said to prolong his lies... does make me feel like I don't know who I've been with, is dating, and wanting a future with ( just makes me feel real stupid).
Everything I do, come across, even on a Facebook game.... is revolving around him.
It's like I'm living an illusion, that makes me question my reality all over again... more or less so.... and it drives me nuts.
I need stability.
Nothing feels permanent... unless it's something I'm in control of...
So I don't feel like my life is going crazy, and that I'm lost... like my childhood.
Trust... it shouldn't get more complicated than that...
When I first met you...
12/29/2013
When I first met you...
I thought you were so friendly and nice; One of the nicest person in the office.
You're easy to open up to, since you're such a loveable guy. It felt very welcoming for me when I first came to Concord, besides chatting with Wendy.
You were always there to the rescue, I felt taken care of at work. If anything, I thought of you as one of the first friends I made in Concord, that was genuine.
I trusted you, had faith in you. since you always came through while we were at work.
You were silly, goofy, and a lot of fun to be around since you were always so care free. I thought it was adorable, and all kinds of cute, as always.
I thought you were a great guy.
Actually, at some point, I thought I had everything I could ever ask for with you. I might of been waiting for the other shoe to drop, but I felt like the luckiest girl in the world that found her Prince charming, it might of felt unreal like a dream, but I was living it... whenever we were together. I was happy, really happy.
----------
You're still the same goof ball I fell in-love with, just no longer reliable to me.
I just don't know if the person I fell for is real or I fell for a trick you played on me, since you lied so much.
I've been fighting the reality of what I might be dealing with in m head... and it's been driving me insane.
I still love you, very much. It just hurts. VERY MUCH.
I could be thinking about you and smiling like a retard spontaneously, or crying uncontrollably and feel like one of the blood vessels in my head is about to pop.
I don't know how to love you and myself at the same time. I don't know what's right or wrong anymore.
And some part of me keeps feeling like you cheated on me; esp. since you swore so badly saying you didn't. But all I can recall is how you swore so badly about your Dad was in the hospital for real and how you had paper works to prove itl and then destroying my birthday.
When I first met you...
I thought you were so friendly and nice; One of the nicest person in the office.
You're easy to open up to, since you're such a loveable guy. It felt very welcoming for me when I first came to Concord, besides chatting with Wendy.
You were always there to the rescue, I felt taken care of at work. If anything, I thought of you as one of the first friends I made in Concord, that was genuine.
I trusted you, had faith in you. since you always came through while we were at work.
You were silly, goofy, and a lot of fun to be around since you were always so care free. I thought it was adorable, and all kinds of cute, as always.
I thought you were a great guy.
Actually, at some point, I thought I had everything I could ever ask for with you. I might of been waiting for the other shoe to drop, but I felt like the luckiest girl in the world that found her Prince charming, it might of felt unreal like a dream, but I was living it... whenever we were together. I was happy, really happy.
----------
You're still the same goof ball I fell in-love with, just no longer reliable to me.
I just don't know if the person I fell for is real or I fell for a trick you played on me, since you lied so much.
I've been fighting the reality of what I might be dealing with in m head... and it's been driving me insane.
I still love you, very much. It just hurts. VERY MUCH.
I could be thinking about you and smiling like a retard spontaneously, or crying uncontrollably and feel like one of the blood vessels in my head is about to pop.
I don't know how to love you and myself at the same time. I don't know what's right or wrong anymore.
And some part of me keeps feeling like you cheated on me; esp. since you swore so badly saying you didn't. But all I can recall is how you swore so badly about your Dad was in the hospital for real and how you had paper works to prove itl and then destroying my birthday.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Commitment.
The wedding vow: " I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life."..... This is why commitment aren't for the faint of heart.... nor the weak willed... It's meant for the unyielding, who triumph through relentless pursuit, while enduring the hardships in life; knowing that they love each other, and that life without the other is no life at all. And why it's till death? Because life is hollow without the love of your life beside you.
Now what would you know about that?
You sanctimonious prick.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------11/22/2013 3:21 AM
You were astonished that I was still there, and holding on to "us", when you give me endless reasons to leave, and give up on this. I found out the marriage crap in June, for about 6 months... you told me you'll try, made me all sorts of promises, speeches of how it'll get better, you'll change. // Even though you were still lying to me, making me empty promises, hollow words.
I held on, as long as you told me you still loved me and wanted to make this work. I'm on the receiving end of all your non-sense, but you have the nerve to quit on me first?!? after all this bullshit. It was nothing but false pretenses. Concord taught you well.... you just kept on stalling...buying time...even though you weren't going to do shit to actually make this work.
Why waste my time if you didn't want this?
Why drag it out?
If it's not convenience of having a regular sex partner, someone who takes care of you all the time// I don't know what is, besides the word "convenience".
A million to one.... regardless of the odds.... I stuck by you. But you can't even find "a" reason to hold on to this? really?
You lazy, lying, coward. I don't know how you can call yourself a Man.
God forbid you had to do right by me, some "actual" - " efforts" ...... you might overexert yourself.
I've gone above and beyond for you, because I love you that much; but you were never going to do the same for me. You took the easy way out. So don't you dare tell me that it's because you don't want to hurt me anymore and how this is for me, and for the greater good. If you gave a shit about me, should of been honest with me from the beginning. You had so many god damn chances, esp. in the last 6 months. You sanctimonious prick.
The last time that a guy left in the manner you did.... he was already seeing someone behind my back. But you swore to me that you didn't cheat on me. It's all just semantics... he was just waiting to end it with me, so he can go ahead and make it official with the rebound chick, then say how he didn't cheat since he didn't start till we broke up.
There's a saying in Chinese, that a dead body isn't even cold yet... and their spouse was already preparing to jump into sack with the next person available.
I don't know what to believe, or how to believe since you do nothing but lie you ass off and leading me on under false pretenses.
For over a year... I've only had you on my mind, wherever I went. If I saw something, and thought you'd like it, want it, or need it... you know I bought it. And now this bullshit. You're just so fucking full of it.
我很生气,但是同时我感到很伤心,很难过.
I love you. But I have too much pride to chase after someone who clearly doesn't want to be with me.
I'll fight the world if I have to, but how can I fight for us; if you're the one fighting me.
This is such a joke.
Even my mom said this "别再爱他了，他的爰太假了，说放弃这么轻松。
(Don't love him any more, his love is too fake, say give up so easily.)"
To new beginnings (Ending blog @ 10:18am --11/21/2013 --NYC time)
"When someone walks out of your life, let them. You may miss them, but remember you weren't the one that gave up..."Perhaps its a self defense mechanism, or just not wanting to take the blame.... But any relationship takes two people; unless you were dating yourself in the mirror looking into your own reflections.
However, this was a really thought triggering thing to read .. lol
First person I told, my mom lol. And then asked her not to bring up or mention anything about money right now, please..
Then she asked the same thing I did lol... First it was : When did it happen?
Then: "他不能离？" --- He can't get a divorce?
followed by : "跟他的老板一个口气。" --- He has the same tone, just like his boss.
I felt my heart sunk, like the anchor of a ship. It just felt heavy... as it fell into a deeper pit. But the surface remains calm.
I felt pain, eventually... since the feeling has gotten dull.
It's been slowly but surely I guess.
But this is still the man I love. (guess he has a point when he said we felt like family members.)
My memories are fading again. So I know I've def. been depressed lol. Gotta get ready and start keeping a daily journal again, just so I can recognize time.
我心中有你. 你心中没有我.
我的...
白痴, 我爱你
You would think I'd cry a little less now since I've been crying all throughout this whole damn relationship.
It's like I'm mourning again.
But I know and so does my friends... if I can get over Juan, I can get over just about anyone lol.
Betty didn't seem too amused when I joked about calling Juan for distractions hehhehe
I miss Liza.. haven't seen a therapist in years.... lol
It was weird... that about 2 days ago or so... when I was organizing everything...
I opened my traveling kit bag... where I kept the 2 shot glasses that we've used the last couple of times at hotels. And one of them was broken, so I had to throw it away. Ironic. (guess I had a feeling and this was why.)
Its hard to find someone who understands you, but it's even hard to find someone with enough brain cells to analysis you as well. Needless to say, even tougher if that's a person you'll actually listen to lol. But these people are your life savers, that'll bring you safely to shore.
-------------------
I have a lot of thoughts running all over the place right now... feels like a bunch of deers running frantically, scared from being beamed from a car's headlights. It's like sensory overload, with too many data flying all over the place.
When I'm hurt, my defense mechanism (my brain) won't let me show it... it'll fight it.
My heart wants me to be honest, and say and try whatever I can think of to salvage it. Because I want it to work, that badly. I don't want to have regrets, esp. with someone whom I love so dearly. My heart, what I truly feel is what talks me into staying when I'm hurting, hurting so badly that feels like I'm being tortured to the the brink of existence. My heart, and all these feelings is what also makes me feel like a fool at the end of the day. My mind blames myself for giving it my all, for being genuine, and sincere with the person I love and hold most dear// Just so they can stab me in chest. But I also know that if I didn't love, then it wouldn't have hurt, so it sure as hell wouldn't have mattered to me at all.
I'm back to questioning the reality of this relationship again, because of all the lies.
Some part of me feels like he moved on more than me lol Other part just thinks he has more lies yet told, or he probably can't keep his promises again so he's ending it now and not dragging it out till end of Dec. as agreed, or he cheated on me/ that or has prospects ready lol ... just waiting to be single again.
I feel toyed with (hurt)... gonna quote the same thing again
This is his words...." i have let you down but i wont again, i will try for you any which way humanly possible, i should have never made you feel this way 3:09 AM" ""
"Trying" is too much to handle, to actually put in work cause it's not all sunshine and rainbows.
I get paper print outs, cut outs.... and trips to queens or half way to queens; that was the extend of his efforts for "humanly possible" lol :: scoffs ::..
My mind said don't make any more future plans with a liar... but my heart didn't want to picture it without him.
~Still haven't seen "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2" that was released Sept. 27th... almost 2 months ago
~He was suppose to go shopping with me again on Black Friday, which is Friday of next week.
~We had plans to actually not spend New Years at work again... but with each other and family hopping on his end.
~Owes me a decent Valentine's day
~A proper birthday celebration since he completely ruined it this year. (A vacation he said.... )
~All the hollow words, empty promises... that he said he was going to try and fulfill lol
Some part of me feels like I wasted my time with a immature child, who hasn't experienced a "serious" relationship... and I was his guinea pig. (This is why I don't like virgins.) ----My Jaded self... lol
Pictured thoughts of having families with many potential suitors, but never did think "oh, this is the one" or even might be the one... majority of the time, just thinking ....WTF am I gonna do, or how will life be...if I was "Stuck"...and with that guy...@_@"
---
I will admit this tho.... old habits die hard lol.
I do enjoy testing them, just to see if their love is true, and to see the depth of their affection.
(Then thought what Erick said to me " Passive aggressive... " )
Matt didn't seem too happy when I mentioned what Betty posted on FB, but then again... I didn't think he was even on FB much to even see it. lol How people have changed.
I just wish he had enough balls to admit that he's quitting on "us", instead of giving me the novelty lines of " I don't want to hurt you anymore, and you'll be happier without me." Blah blah... Esp. now after all the bullshit talks, the I will try, I'll be better speeches... // Like I said..."Blah blah".... ~_~" (annoyed)
Well.... back to the home improvement project hehehe
That soft and mushy side of life, will get you nothing but hurt. Got those thoughts too, but don't even wanna think about it right now. Fucking wanna snuff that dumb bitch lol Go play nice in your grave woman!! This is how you get your feelings hurt. 我爱上了一个没心，没肺的人。
Guess the daily 3 pages activity still works lol.... empty out my head...and onwards with the self soothing process lol.
I guess ... at least now I won't have to worry about him not looking the part at work for a break up lol.
However, this was a really thought triggering thing to read .. lol
First person I told, my mom lol. And then asked her not to bring up or mention anything about money right now, please..
Then she asked the same thing I did lol... First it was : When did it happen?
Then: "他不能离？" --- He can't get a divorce?
followed by : "跟他的老板一个口气。" --- He has the same tone, just like his boss.
I felt my heart sunk, like the anchor of a ship. It just felt heavy... as it fell into a deeper pit. But the surface remains calm.
I felt pain, eventually... since the feeling has gotten dull.
It's been slowly but surely I guess.
But this is still the man I love. (guess he has a point when he said we felt like family members.)
My memories are fading again. So I know I've def. been depressed lol. Gotta get ready and start keeping a daily journal again, just so I can recognize time.
我心中有你. 你心中没有我.
我的...
白痴, 我爱你
You would think I'd cry a little less now since I've been crying all throughout this whole damn relationship.
It's like I'm mourning again.
But I know and so does my friends... if I can get over Juan, I can get over just about anyone lol.
Betty didn't seem too amused when I joked about calling Juan for distractions hehhehe
I miss Liza.. haven't seen a therapist in years.... lol
It was weird... that about 2 days ago or so... when I was organizing everything...
I opened my traveling kit bag... where I kept the 2 shot glasses that we've used the last couple of times at hotels. And one of them was broken, so I had to throw it away. Ironic. (guess I had a feeling and this was why.)
Its hard to find someone who understands you, but it's even hard to find someone with enough brain cells to analysis you as well. Needless to say, even tougher if that's a person you'll actually listen to lol. But these people are your life savers, that'll bring you safely to shore.
-------------------
I have a lot of thoughts running all over the place right now... feels like a bunch of deers running frantically, scared from being beamed from a car's headlights. It's like sensory overload, with too many data flying all over the place.
When I'm hurt, my defense mechanism (my brain) won't let me show it... it'll fight it.
My heart wants me to be honest, and say and try whatever I can think of to salvage it. Because I want it to work, that badly. I don't want to have regrets, esp. with someone whom I love so dearly. My heart, what I truly feel is what talks me into staying when I'm hurting, hurting so badly that feels like I'm being tortured to the the brink of existence. My heart, and all these feelings is what also makes me feel like a fool at the end of the day. My mind blames myself for giving it my all, for being genuine, and sincere with the person I love and hold most dear// Just so they can stab me in chest. But I also know that if I didn't love, then it wouldn't have hurt, so it sure as hell wouldn't have mattered to me at all.
I'm back to questioning the reality of this relationship again, because of all the lies.
Some part of me feels like he moved on more than me lol Other part just thinks he has more lies yet told, or he probably can't keep his promises again so he's ending it now and not dragging it out till end of Dec. as agreed, or he cheated on me/ that or has prospects ready lol ... just waiting to be single again.
I feel toyed with (hurt)... gonna quote the same thing again
This is his words...." i have let you down but i wont again, i will try for you any which way humanly possible, i should have never made you feel this way 3:09 AM" ""
"Trying" is too much to handle, to actually put in work cause it's not all sunshine and rainbows.
I get paper print outs, cut outs.... and trips to queens or half way to queens; that was the extend of his efforts for "humanly possible" lol :: scoffs ::..
My mind said don't make any more future plans with a liar... but my heart didn't want to picture it without him.
~Still haven't seen "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2" that was released Sept. 27th... almost 2 months ago
~He was suppose to go shopping with me again on Black Friday, which is Friday of next week.
~We had plans to actually not spend New Years at work again... but with each other and family hopping on his end.
~Owes me a decent Valentine's day
~A proper birthday celebration since he completely ruined it this year. (A vacation he said.... )
~All the hollow words, empty promises... that he said he was going to try and fulfill lol
Some part of me feels like I wasted my time with a immature child, who hasn't experienced a "serious" relationship... and I was his guinea pig. (This is why I don't like virgins.) ----My Jaded self... lol
Pictured thoughts of having families with many potential suitors, but never did think "oh, this is the one" or even might be the one... majority of the time, just thinking ....WTF am I gonna do, or how will life be...if I was "Stuck"...and with that guy...@_@"
---
I will admit this tho.... old habits die hard lol.
I do enjoy testing them, just to see if their love is true, and to see the depth of their affection.
(Then thought what Erick said to me " Passive aggressive... " )
Matt didn't seem too happy when I mentioned what Betty posted on FB, but then again... I didn't think he was even on FB much to even see it. lol How people have changed.
I just wish he had enough balls to admit that he's quitting on "us", instead of giving me the novelty lines of " I don't want to hurt you anymore, and you'll be happier without me." Blah blah... Esp. now after all the bullshit talks, the I will try, I'll be better speeches... // Like I said..."Blah blah".... ~_~" (annoyed)
Well.... back to the home improvement project hehehe
That soft and mushy side of life, will get you nothing but hurt. Got those thoughts too, but don't even wanna think about it right now. Fucking wanna snuff that dumb bitch lol Go play nice in your grave woman!! This is how you get your feelings hurt. 我爱上了一个没心，没肺的人。
Guess the daily 3 pages activity still works lol.... empty out my head...and onwards with the self soothing process lol.
I guess ... at least now I won't have to worry about him not looking the part at work for a break up lol.
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
"Then I will not touch you, he said"
It was surprise to see a Facebook notification for which he has placed me under his family members. But it had no option for whatever this relationship between us was suppose to be; not to mention, I didn't know why the sudden request and placement on this site.
I didn't know what to feel after further looking into the matter... so I asked him.
It was so I could view the pictures we recently took, since he placed it under family members only.
Yet, I've never felt so out of place while in a relationship with someone I love.
So this deed inflicted pain that he will never know of, because he is a careless man.
None the less, I was going to put that behind me and move on.
Besides, I was starving and needed nourishment. He got up and got it for me upon request, opened it, and then ate first.
All I could think of was all the times... that I made sure he was properly set up to eat first, fed first, and or had preparations ready in case he was hungry again later on. Then it clicked... he has never.. done such a thing for me. I was starving, my stomach was rumbling, but I had lost my appetite. And it seems like I have lost many things recently...
Somehow, forcing himself upon me when I am angry.... is suppose to make things better.
And repeatedly voicing the same issue, since he doesn't seem to grasp it only worsens the matter.... He then pours oil and light a torch upon the matter....
"Then I will not touch you, he said"
Why be with me? Why be with me at all ?
Why be there, why be near me?
Why not leave? Why not go home to your solace, since I am no longer that for you?
Was it the train? Was it the lack of convenience for you?
Whatever it was... being with me wasn't and still will not be your solution.
You turned your back on me. And then blamed me.
Today, Selfishness is all you can think of for reasoning.
Perhaps this relationship has stayed passed it's welcome.
You just didn't want to admit it.
I didn't know what to feel after further looking into the matter... so I asked him.
It was so I could view the pictures we recently took, since he placed it under family members only.
Yet, I've never felt so out of place while in a relationship with someone I love.
So this deed inflicted pain that he will never know of, because he is a careless man.
None the less, I was going to put that behind me and move on.
Besides, I was starving and needed nourishment. He got up and got it for me upon request, opened it, and then ate first.
All I could think of was all the times... that I made sure he was properly set up to eat first, fed first, and or had preparations ready in case he was hungry again later on. Then it clicked... he has never.. done such a thing for me. I was starving, my stomach was rumbling, but I had lost my appetite. And it seems like I have lost many things recently...
Somehow, forcing himself upon me when I am angry.... is suppose to make things better.
And repeatedly voicing the same issue, since he doesn't seem to grasp it only worsens the matter.... He then pours oil and light a torch upon the matter....
"Then I will not touch you, he said"
Why be with me? Why be with me at all ?
Why be there, why be near me?
Why not leave? Why not go home to your solace, since I am no longer that for you?
Was it the train? Was it the lack of convenience for you?
Whatever it was... being with me wasn't and still will not be your solution.
You turned your back on me. And then blamed me.
Today, Selfishness is all you can think of for reasoning.
Perhaps this relationship has stayed passed it's welcome.
You just didn't want to admit it.
Monday, November 4, 2013
Kelly Clarkson- Already Gone
Feeling like the other person is always ready to take the easy way out. Or perhaps the easier way out....
Either way, god forbid they put in more effort, this would be too much for them....as it'd work out ...and I'd expect it to work... lol
I always know when I'm not placed first. He, himself, will first and foremost.... always be in front of me.
I have empathy towards that choice decision.
But in a relationship, when I've never placed him as second choice... just doesn't sit with me well.
For a man that's "supposedly" trying to make amends with me and all his broken promises....
you would think he'd take the opportunity to fulfill one of the first promises ever made to me, by laying off sex for a month. We're already 2 weeks in, from fighting and me having had a period. But he just couldn't pick the bigger picture over sex --- once again. lol
I'm dating a man who doesn't even know me, and it's been over a year.... I know what I fell in love with, but I don't he knows. It just doesn't feel like it's me anymore. Better yet, I don't think it was ever me, it was always how I made him felt comfortable about being himself, to be comfortable in his own skin while with another human being. It's always how he can love himself and care for himself a little more. I was never in that equation, it was always himself and his "me me me me ME".
Promised me a movie that we'd see in theaters for way over a month, minimum.... and as soon as I realize it's not playing in the theater we're had planned to see it in; all he can say is "I'll download it baby".
I asked for him to find it in another movie theater, I knew I was half assed because I looked and he didn't.
So he didn't have any answers for where else this movie is playing at a day later. And then blaming it on yahoo search engine, even there...I saw 2 theaters in NYC playing that move. Google offered a lot more theater options, but he never looked.
Effort.... lol This is his words...." "
If humanly possible was this limited, I think we'd still be trying to figure out how to make fire.
It's efforts like these...that makes me question why I'm in a relationship and not single. How do you go 2 strikes out of 3 in like 24 hours, not even...
I'm disappointed. I'm full of resentment, and I'm angry from all the pain that has been inflicted upon me.
Either way, god forbid they put in more effort, this would be too much for them....as it'd work out ...and I'd expect it to work... lol
I always know when I'm not placed first. He, himself, will first and foremost.... always be in front of me.
I have empathy towards that choice decision.
But in a relationship, when I've never placed him as second choice... just doesn't sit with me well.
For a man that's "supposedly" trying to make amends with me and all his broken promises....
you would think he'd take the opportunity to fulfill one of the first promises ever made to me, by laying off sex for a month. We're already 2 weeks in, from fighting and me having had a period. But he just couldn't pick the bigger picture over sex --- once again. lol
I'm dating a man who doesn't even know me, and it's been over a year.... I know what I fell in love with, but I don't he knows. It just doesn't feel like it's me anymore. Better yet, I don't think it was ever me, it was always how I made him felt comfortable about being himself, to be comfortable in his own skin while with another human being. It's always how he can love himself and care for himself a little more. I was never in that equation, it was always himself and his "me me me me ME".
Promised me a movie that we'd see in theaters for way over a month, minimum.... and as soon as I realize it's not playing in the theater we're had planned to see it in; all he can say is "I'll download it baby".
I asked for him to find it in another movie theater, I knew I was half assed because I looked and he didn't.
So he didn't have any answers for where else this movie is playing at a day later. And then blaming it on yahoo search engine, even there...I saw 2 theaters in NYC playing that move. Google offered a lot more theater options, but he never looked.
Effort.... lol This is his words...." "
If humanly possible was this limited, I think we'd still be trying to figure out how to make fire.
It's efforts like these...that makes me question why I'm in a relationship and not single. How do you go 2 strikes out of 3 in like 24 hours, not even...
I'm disappointed. I'm full of resentment, and I'm angry from all the pain that has been inflicted upon me.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Box Car Racer - "I Feel So"
I'm so angry right now, I don't even know where to begin.
I just know, if I act upon what I'm feeling right now... I'd break.
So ---as usual, I push it to the back burner and just functioned on logic.... purely logic... and then my defense mechanism kicks in.
I feel hurt. I'm hostile.
I just know, if I act upon what I'm feeling right now... I'd break.
So ---as usual, I push it to the back burner and just functioned on logic.... purely logic... and then my defense mechanism kicks in.
I feel hurt. I'm hostile.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
I will NOT be half-assed & be 2nd Option to anyone.
2010, his FB
"Following a phone conversation on the evening of Sunday Sept. 5th - I went & picked up the NYS Driver's Manual from the DMV on Tuesday Sept. 7th. Two days later I went back & got my Learner's Permit for my Driver's License on Thursday Sept. 9th. On Saturday Sept 11th I took the mandatory 5 hr Pre-Licensing Course & obtained my Completion Certificate. Now I've got my Road Test scheduled for Friday Oct.1st (:"
Finding that status post, made me felt kinda bad for the ultimatum at the time--- while not realizing what hardship I actually proposed. But he did it, because he "wanted it" bad enough. So I knew he would try his best when it came to me. I gave him a month to get his drivers license or to never bother me again. I didn't want to see him, hear from him, or even the thought of him at the time.
Even out of the bad times, I recall the good....collectively...of what I've had in my past.
They were real. They were kind. And I was sure they invested in me their heart in full, regardless how stupid their actions came to measure by the end of it all.
I had hopes.
I had dreams.
I saw pictures of many lives that will never come to be.
But I fought so hard to hold on to those lives I saw pictures of... illusions of... lies, broken promises, false hope of aspiration. I was being undervalued and I resent that.
"Following a phone conversation on the evening of Sunday Sept. 5th - I went & picked up the NYS Driver's Manual from the DMV on Tuesday Sept. 7th. Two days later I went back & got my Learner's Permit for my Driver's License on Thursday Sept. 9th. On Saturday Sept 11th I took the mandatory 5 hr Pre-Licensing Course & obtained my Completion Certificate. Now I've got my Road Test scheduled for Friday Oct.1st (:"
Finding that status post, made me felt kinda bad for the ultimatum at the time--- while not realizing what hardship I actually proposed. But he did it, because he "wanted it" bad enough. So I knew he would try his best when it came to me. I gave him a month to get his drivers license or to never bother me again. I didn't want to see him, hear from him, or even the thought of him at the time.
Even out of the bad times, I recall the good....collectively...of what I've had in my past.
They were real. They were kind. And I was sure they invested in me their heart in full, regardless how stupid their actions came to measure by the end of it all.
I had hopes.
I had dreams.
I saw pictures of many lives that will never come to be.
But I fought so hard to hold on to those lives I saw pictures of... illusions of... lies, broken promises, false hope of aspiration. I was being undervalued and I resent that.
Monday, October 28, 2013
Batteries
Sometimes I really wonder what I'm doing is right or wrong... Or maybe I'm just being really irresponsible.
One liar after another... except one stayed in character during majority of the time span, and the other just lacked skills. Dating have been very exhausting, and beyond taxing on myself mentally, and emotionally.
I'm become more and more jaded as life pass me by.
I still lack purpose... drive, and reason to stay motivated.
Each human being that has ever meant anything in my life, seem to work like a battery for me; some rechargeable, others one time use, some half ass used, or just bootleg trying to look like name brand. And the longer I keep those useless ones......it just looks horrible as time progresses.... like a chemical infestation from its core, just seeping out of that metal wrapping of pure advertisement bullshit.
"Which man would just volunteer that info."
I really thought the one that decides to spend the rest of his life with me, would tell me everything.
The one that pictures having a child with me to look like each other, would want to share his life with me; not just the good but the bad as well.
The one that tells me he loves me and doesn't want anyone else.... would ...
I've had a man that would use me to his advantage when his survival instincts kicks in, but at the same time would offer me his life if needed... or so he said ... lol But at least he made it believable for me. He tried, really hard.
Then I have this one, that unless it's sex and food... I don't really see much effort.
I'm better off by myself it seems.
One liar after another... except one stayed in character during majority of the time span, and the other just lacked skills. Dating have been very exhausting, and beyond taxing on myself mentally, and emotionally.
I'm become more and more jaded as life pass me by.
I still lack purpose... drive, and reason to stay motivated.
Each human being that has ever meant anything in my life, seem to work like a battery for me; some rechargeable, others one time use, some half ass used, or just bootleg trying to look like name brand. And the longer I keep those useless ones......it just looks horrible as time progresses.... like a chemical infestation from its core, just seeping out of that metal wrapping of pure advertisement bullshit.
"Which man would just volunteer that info."
I really thought the one that decides to spend the rest of his life with me, would tell me everything.
The one that pictures having a child with me to look like each other, would want to share his life with me; not just the good but the bad as well.
The one that tells me he loves me and doesn't want anyone else.... would ...
I've had a man that would use me to his advantage when his survival instincts kicks in, but at the same time would offer me his life if needed... or so he said ... lol But at least he made it believable for me. He tried, really hard.
Then I have this one, that unless it's sex and food... I don't really see much effort.
I'm better off by myself it seems.
Thursday, October 24, 2013
The Leap ....feeling of that distance when you first bungee jumps...& realizes the spacial gaps.....just you and the cord....in mid-air ..
I've been feeling sick this week, and a little from last week....my throat was swollen and it's back again. I haven't had decent sleep for at least a good month in change now. I either can't fall asleep, or I wake up early and then can't fall back asleep till I'm at the point of exhaustion. My eczema have been pretty active, and my immune system have definitely gone down the latter. And all of this stress for what ? $18 per hour? $15 per hour? People I work with? Not worth it.
Finally had that meeting with Alex today, since last Friday's little shabang.
I don't know if he's senile, got dementia ...or something...... But he forgets and then jumbles a lot of the things said to him during these meetings; and then next thing I know it becomes something else.
I can tell that as soon as I walked into his office, he wasn't very pleasant. His hair was a mess and seemed cold. The talk with 318 might of done the trick, or Waheed added some special effects in there for me prior to seeing the Boss. Whatever the case may be, I don't really care anymore.
It was a very long meeting about many aspects of his company and his staff. I did not want to speak to him and Waheed at the same time; that guy is a two faced, lying son of a bitch and I don't trust him nor give a shit about what he has to say. But I could also tell that I got him nervous, since he knows I'm not afraid, I'm honest, and got no filter on the truth on things I know about him and his bullshit. (Waheed wasn't in the meeting with us till the near end, so I heard he was wondering about back and forth from dispatch room to Alex's office lol don't know if it's because of nerves or tryings to eavesdrop.)
Today's topic: first thing he said to me... which was that I caused such a uproar, and how come everyone hates me now, etc lol He looked so displeased. It reminded me of the look on his face when he said Veronica won't be coming back to the company, he won't let her come back anymore.
* Farruhk & his profile being changed (He seemed surprised when I told him everything that was going on in relations to this boy. Said he will check his attendance and if anything duct his pay. Asked me how he was when he was in Business class, told him I didn't hear much problems --esp. not like the ones he's giving me on my end. So Alex decided to put Farruhk back to B-class. ) Alex also gave me some sort of explanation story about why Farruhk got a $3 raise and no extra work, when they dumped all sorts of work on me lol for the same $3 value for a raise.
* Robin (She will be getting a first class ticket out of here, as soon as we get someone good enough for replacement; or till season dies down. ) She is our biggest pain in the ass out of all the operators, and for $14 an hour...that's just some bullshit.
* Rudy (Boss asked me why didn't Rudy manage more, and how come I ended up doing everything and didn't let him do it? & proceeded to tell me "he's the manager, let him do it" )
*Zack
---- Waheed sat in during these parts of convo. :
* Edwin (Asked me how he was doing and what I thought of the new guy. he types slow.... real slow.)
* Joey (All of a sudden...Waheed chimes in "he's a good guy" and Alex telling me the world isn't perfect lol. Whatever.... )
* Dinara (The issue that no one has the balls to bring up to the Boss. So I did, since I don't fear for my job right now. He gave me some story too, and Waheed had to chime in again about how Zack talks to her and etc ---BULLSHIT ! if anyone did talked to her, and corrected the issue----> then why the hell is she still like this?!?! explain that to me why don't you !! ) Alex also gave some background story of what he was willing to share etc then he said a Russian saying " a fly thinks he is a plane"
Today was the first time that I think I saw the Boss annoyed, tho he does try to come off as disconnected as possible. It was around the time when I said that I just want a clear list of my duties and etc // And when I was interrupting him... lol
-------------------------------------------------------
Went on break after the meeting, came back and have a private talk with Wendy too. Marion was comforting me as well, which I really did appreciate. Then Alex called for me around 8pm... basically proposing....$18/hr and for me to stay as a Dispatcher, since my drivers love me. He was surprised that I didn't just accept his offer, and wanted to sleep on it and continue the talk tomorrow.
----Spoke to Murray around 4pm and Waheed was trying to paw some other bullshit on him, about giving Roman to him for assistance or job endangered?? lol Murray was like no, I don't want him, fire me now then ...and basically said he will just go to one of the many other company options he has to pick from.
----Spoke to Janet from Sullivan and Cromwell.... she gave me some background info. too lol.
----Spoke to Kevin, he looked happy to see me and asked when they were going to give me for his shift lol And that I had him scared when he didn't see me last night when he came in for his shift; he thought I had quit the job already.
Jeff made it very clear to me that they need me at my shift.
I just feel so disheartened from my shift, and majority of the people on it....(off the top of my head, Wendy, Marion, Tanya and Cynthia are the ones I'd wanna say a proper goodbye to. )
Finally had that meeting with Alex today, since last Friday's little shabang.
I don't know if he's senile, got dementia ...or something...... But he forgets and then jumbles a lot of the things said to him during these meetings; and then next thing I know it becomes something else.
I can tell that as soon as I walked into his office, he wasn't very pleasant. His hair was a mess and seemed cold. The talk with 318 might of done the trick, or Waheed added some special effects in there for me prior to seeing the Boss. Whatever the case may be, I don't really care anymore.
It was a very long meeting about many aspects of his company and his staff. I did not want to speak to him and Waheed at the same time; that guy is a two faced, lying son of a bitch and I don't trust him nor give a shit about what he has to say. But I could also tell that I got him nervous, since he knows I'm not afraid, I'm honest, and got no filter on the truth on things I know about him and his bullshit. (Waheed wasn't in the meeting with us till the near end, so I heard he was wondering about back and forth from dispatch room to Alex's office lol don't know if it's because of nerves or tryings to eavesdrop.)
Today's topic: first thing he said to me... which was that I caused such a uproar, and how come everyone hates me now, etc lol He looked so displeased. It reminded me of the look on his face when he said Veronica won't be coming back to the company, he won't let her come back anymore.
* Farruhk & his profile being changed (He seemed surprised when I told him everything that was going on in relations to this boy. Said he will check his attendance and if anything duct his pay. Asked me how he was when he was in Business class, told him I didn't hear much problems --esp. not like the ones he's giving me on my end. So Alex decided to put Farruhk back to B-class. ) Alex also gave me some sort of explanation story about why Farruhk got a $3 raise and no extra work, when they dumped all sorts of work on me lol for the same $3 value for a raise.
* Robin (She will be getting a first class ticket out of here, as soon as we get someone good enough for replacement; or till season dies down. ) She is our biggest pain in the ass out of all the operators, and for $14 an hour...that's just some bullshit.
* Rudy (Boss asked me why didn't Rudy manage more, and how come I ended up doing everything and didn't let him do it? & proceeded to tell me "he's the manager, let him do it" )
*Zack
---- Waheed sat in during these parts of convo. :
* Edwin (Asked me how he was doing and what I thought of the new guy. he types slow.... real slow.)
* Joey (All of a sudden...Waheed chimes in "he's a good guy" and Alex telling me the world isn't perfect lol. Whatever.... )
* Dinara (The issue that no one has the balls to bring up to the Boss. So I did, since I don't fear for my job right now. He gave me some story too, and Waheed had to chime in again about how Zack talks to her and etc ---BULLSHIT ! if anyone did talked to her, and corrected the issue----> then why the hell is she still like this?!?! explain that to me why don't you !! ) Alex also gave some background story of what he was willing to share etc then he said a Russian saying " a fly thinks he is a plane"
Today was the first time that I think I saw the Boss annoyed, tho he does try to come off as disconnected as possible. It was around the time when I said that I just want a clear list of my duties and etc // And when I was interrupting him... lol
-------------------------------------------------------
Went on break after the meeting, came back and have a private talk with Wendy too. Marion was comforting me as well, which I really did appreciate. Then Alex called for me around 8pm... basically proposing....$18/hr and for me to stay as a Dispatcher, since my drivers love me. He was surprised that I didn't just accept his offer, and wanted to sleep on it and continue the talk tomorrow.
----Spoke to Murray around 4pm and Waheed was trying to paw some other bullshit on him, about giving Roman to him for assistance or job endangered?? lol Murray was like no, I don't want him, fire me now then ...and basically said he will just go to one of the many other company options he has to pick from.
----Spoke to Janet from Sullivan and Cromwell.... she gave me some background info. too lol.
----Spoke to Kevin, he looked happy to see me and asked when they were going to give me for his shift lol And that I had him scared when he didn't see me last night when he came in for his shift; he thought I had quit the job already.
Jeff made it very clear to me that they need me at my shift.
I just feel so disheartened from my shift, and majority of the people on it....(off the top of my head, Wendy, Marion, Tanya and Cynthia are the ones I'd wanna say a proper goodbye to. )
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
879's Wedding 10/22/2013 Tuesday
Went to 879's wedding last night with Matt. We saw 318 and 338 soon as we got there, and they looked very surprised to see us there. It seems like 879 only had 2 tables for drivers, each table 10 people each. It was a very noisy wedding.... since the venue was shared with another couple having their wedding too at the same time. These two couples only had a wooden foldable stand dividing the space, which made them blast the sound system to compete with each other ~_~" which was very annoying and it hurt my ears.
The service at this restaurant was awful... they were rushing us, not to mention a dish wasn't finished but they would come by and it would be time to move on @_@" like WTF?! I'm still eating here damnit!! This was the quickest wedding I've ever been to, it was done in like 2-3 hours.
So who was on our table? HHmmm.....318, 338, 301, 710 (sat next to Matt) , and 858 sat next to me. Then there was 2 woman we don't know who it was, but presume it was friend of the family for Bride or Groom. The other driver's table, I only recognized 136, and I was told and 547.
858 kept on telling me how we're stripped in the city, 17 jobs in zone 1; man was I glad that I took the day off lol. Matt checked his zone 26 too, he has 5 cars and no job hanging. 858 wanted to move up, so asked a few questions about Business class requirements.
Our drivers kept on busting our chops about when we're getting married, it was cute. We took a picture with 879 and his bride when we first arrived. I tried taking some pictures when they were announcing the couple to make an entrance to the stage, but the pictures came out blurred :/ or someone was in my way ~_~"
There was a good amount of dishes being presented at each dinner table, but the order of it was just bad line up. Lobster salad was first and then all the fruits they just took away from us ~_~", this plate should of been last damnit!!
People mostly drank soda and beer ( heineken. ) And I learned my baby loves Quail ! lol
Last night we each put in $100, since it's our first Fujianese wedding in New York, and my Dad said it was fine since we weren't that close with the couple being wed.
The service at this restaurant was awful... they were rushing us, not to mention a dish wasn't finished but they would come by and it would be time to move on @_@" like WTF?! I'm still eating here damnit!! This was the quickest wedding I've ever been to, it was done in like 2-3 hours.
So who was on our table? HHmmm.....318, 338, 301, 710 (sat next to Matt) , and 858 sat next to me. Then there was 2 woman we don't know who it was, but presume it was friend of the family for Bride or Groom. The other driver's table, I only recognized 136, and I was told and 547.
858 kept on telling me how we're stripped in the city, 17 jobs in zone 1; man was I glad that I took the day off lol. Matt checked his zone 26 too, he has 5 cars and no job hanging. 858 wanted to move up, so asked a few questions about Business class requirements.
Our drivers kept on busting our chops about when we're getting married, it was cute. We took a picture with 879 and his bride when we first arrived. I tried taking some pictures when they were announcing the couple to make an entrance to the stage, but the pictures came out blurred :/ or someone was in my way ~_~"
There was a good amount of dishes being presented at each dinner table, but the order of it was just bad line up. Lobster salad was first and then all the fruits they just took away from us ~_~", this plate should of been last damnit!!
People mostly drank soda and beer ( heineken. ) And I learned my baby loves Quail ! lol
Last night we each put in $100, since it's our first Fujianese wedding in New York, and my Dad said it was fine since we weren't that close with the couple being wed.
Monday, September 23, 2013
Feelings in the back burner....
it burns nothing but pain; of which I don't care to deal with, so it can't electrify my senses plugged into a socket.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
