True Story lol

Grandpa almost Bled Out last week...

The older I get...

The smaller the windows i leave my windows for things to get in ... 

Not through the fenced net...

Not through the cracks....

Trying to be receptive of the universe often just leaves me going WTF?? Really??? ...gotta be kidding me..lol...ridiculous....again....... 

Grandpa has had the same procedure done at least 3 times now and the problem still isn't resolved; But it has now gotten worst. I'm just glad he's not longer in the ICU and is now transferred to the regular patients' wing. 

But he was gushing so much blood before I had to call the ambulance for him.... (on Saturday 05/10th)

A solid 5 bags of blood transfusion had to be done and he was bleeding out quicker than they could put the blood back into his body. 

How close we came to losing him.... again.... 

That hit hard as an after thought... and a scary one at that. 

He's in Elmhurst Hospital .... because that's the closest one... 

Surprised that my Dad asked if I wanted to go with the ambulance the other day... like he disregarded my PTSD completely lol * scoffs * ...

(like for real pops?!? ..smh)

Like i know you love and care for your wife but damn ... what am I..chopped liver?? 

Messy Thoughts

How do I tell my shrink that since the last time I saw her

Till this week.... 

I OD-ed and was in the ER ...😅🤦🏻‍♀️?

And not have her wanting to have me committed lol 

Oy vey.... 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Even my family doesn't know and just thought I was in the ER for food poisoning. 

And then my stomach was super upset for the week that followed .... (Good news.. lost 7lbs lol 🤣)

It's not 100% back to normal but at least I'm able to eat more now. 

....

Just when I thought I might hit cardiac arrest... And what am I to do?

My thoughts hit...fuck it lol and went... 

I'll be dead... No longer my problem lol 🤣 

Even though I was worried about how my folks would have to deal with all this and etc

How quickly ... It went into a blank slate of ... 

Oh well lol 

Near Death ... and Now

When you're enveloped by grief... 

There's so many overwhelming emotions that leaves you unable to focus. It leaves you without a focal point to pour your energy into .....

(And there's "so much"  energy stagnant in your being.)

You don't know who to blame. 

What to do. 

Who to hate 

What coulda, shoulda, and woulda even applied ... 

Everything's just in a frenzy.... 

Panic, anxiety, hurt, anger, sorrow....

It's like tossing everything you find into a pot kinda... 

And the task is to arrange things in # order 😅

Because society wants you to react "properly" lol.

But no one griefs the same...so what's even proper in these circumstances anyhow? And then there's our cultural differences too...

And my family was grief shaming me for crying. 

Grief

Grief carves a place in the heart and sits there forever. But when focused, it can be a powerful motivator. Sadness becomes resolve, and pain becomes action.

Seaon02 Ep 10 of A Discovery of Witches

Hypomania

Hhmm.... 

Depression lite lol But fucking laced up with a bogey that will blow up in the face right afterwards

"" Showing impulsive behavior that can lead to poor choices, such as buying sprees, reckless sex or foolish business investments. "" 

What worries me...:(

"" elevated mood that is different than just feeling good. "" 

Hypothyroidism 

Not enough metabolism 

说得到轻巧 。。。

妈妈说, 作为一个女孩子，要学会示弱。

可是现在的男生都这么娘，

你叫我怎么示弱呀😅？

小鸟依人也要有一个够强壮的人才能依靠呀。

出门遇到个妈宝，

你到底是谁依靠谁啊？

听说女生要会撒娇才会显得可爱，

可是这不觉得很幼稚吗？

一定要萌得像个傻蛋才叫可爱吗？

温柔...

我好像从来就没学会🤷🏻‍♀️

还是它的定义，每个人都不一样而已？

这么多心灵脆弱的小男生，

撑不起我半个肩膀的人，又想要我仰慕着他

来撑起我的半边天....

这叫我情何以堪啊？

又不比我能干，

又想要我听话，

还指望我能顺从😅 

这些人为什么不去养宠物，

但又觉得自己招架的住养老婆呢？

而且还别提生儿育女，

房贷，来侍奉双方的父母，

以及各自一直到生老病死。

生活中的基本负担。

现在回想起来，真的很难以想像

我妈之前还跟我提过“闪婚”这两个字

她应该很知足我没有恐婚就已经很好了。

🤣🤣🤣