True Story lol

Grandpa almost Bled Out last week...

The older I get...

The smaller the windows i leave my windows for things to get in ... 

Not through the fenced net...

Not through the cracks....

Trying to be receptive of the universe often just leaves me going WTF?? Really??? ...gotta be kidding me..lol...ridiculous....again....... 

Grandpa has had the same procedure done at least 3 times now and the problem still isn't resolved; But it has now gotten worst. I'm just glad he's not longer in the ICU and is now transferred to the regular patients' wing. 

But he was gushing so much blood before I had to call the ambulance for him.... (on Saturday 05/10th)

A solid 5 bags of blood transfusion had to be done and he was bleeding out quicker than they could put the blood back into his body. 

How close we came to losing him.... again.... 

That hit hard as an after thought... and a scary one at that. 

He's in Elmhurst Hospital .... because that's the closest one... 

Surprised that my Dad asked if I wanted to go with the ambulance the other day... like he disregarded my PTSD completely lol * scoffs * ...

(like for real pops?!? ..smh)

Like i know you love and care for your wife but damn ... what am I..chopped liver?? 

Messy Thoughts

How do I tell my shrink that since the last time I saw her

Till this week.... 

I OD-ed and was in the ER ...😅🤦🏻‍♀️?

And not have her wanting to have me committed lol 

Oy vey.... 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Even my family doesn't know and just thought I was in the ER for food poisoning. 

And then my stomach was super upset for the week that followed .... (Good news.. lost 7lbs lol 🤣)

It's not 100% back to normal but at least I'm able to eat more now. 

....

Just when I thought I might hit cardiac arrest... And what am I to do?

My thoughts hit...fuck it lol and went... 

I'll be dead... No longer my problem lol 🤣 

Even though I was worried about how my folks would have to deal with all this and etc

How quickly ... It went into a blank slate of ... 

Oh well lol 

Near Death ... and Now

When you're enveloped by grief... 

There's so many overwhelming emotions that leaves you unable to focus. It leaves you without a focal point to pour your energy into .....

(And there's "so much"  energy stagnant in your being.)

You don't know who to blame. 

What to do. 

Who to hate 

What coulda, shoulda, and woulda even applied ... 

Everything's just in a frenzy.... 

Panic, anxiety, hurt, anger, sorrow....

It's like tossing everything you find into a pot kinda... 

And the task is to arrange things in # order 😅

Because society wants you to react "properly" lol.

But no one griefs the same...so what's even proper in these circumstances anyhow? And then there's our cultural differences too...

And my family was grief shaming me for crying.