Food for Thought

九义人

第16集

我们的这些过去,

你真的都不要了吗？

第17集

Shen:

她不是蠢，是善。

所以才会相信这世间有公道；

只可惜，

所有人都负了她。

Wu:

沈捕快到现在还不明白吗？

善, 于蠢有何区别？

Do you have a good reason Not to Die?

You have a family, don't you?

It's the same for me and these guys.

We have good reasons not to die.

So...

Anime:

Apocalypse Bringer Mynoghra: World Conquest Starts with the Civilization of Ruins

True Story lol

Grandpa almost Bled Out last week...

The older I get...

The smaller the windows i leave my windows for things to get in ... 

Not through the fenced net...

Not through the cracks....

Trying to be receptive of the universe often just leaves me going WTF?? Really??? ...gotta be kidding me..lol...ridiculous....again....... 

Grandpa has had the same procedure done at least 3 times now and the problem still isn't resolved; But it has now gotten worst. I'm just glad he's not longer in the ICU and is now transferred to the regular patients' wing. 

But he was gushing so much blood before I had to call the ambulance for him.... (on Saturday 05/10th)

A solid 5 bags of blood transfusion had to be done and he was bleeding out quicker than they could put the blood back into his body. 

How close we came to losing him.... again.... 

That hit hard as an after thought... and a scary one at that. 

He's in Elmhurst Hospital .... because that's the closest one... 

Surprised that my Dad asked if I wanted to go with the ambulance the other day... like he disregarded my PTSD completely lol * scoffs * ...

(like for real pops?!? ..smh)

Like i know you love and care for your wife but damn ... what am I..chopped liver?? 

Messy Thoughts

How do I tell my shrink that since the last time I saw her

Till this week.... 

I OD-ed and was in the ER ...😅🤦🏻‍♀️?

And not have her wanting to have me committed lol 

Oy vey.... 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Even my family doesn't know and just thought I was in the ER for food poisoning. 

And then my stomach was super upset for the week that followed .... (Good news.. lost 7lbs lol 🤣)

It's not 100% back to normal but at least I'm able to eat more now. 

....

Just when I thought I might hit cardiac arrest... And what am I to do?

My thoughts hit...fuck it lol and went... 

I'll be dead... No longer my problem lol 🤣 

Even though I was worried about how my folks would have to deal with all this and etc

How quickly ... It went into a blank slate of ... 

Oh well lol 

Near Death ... and Now

When you're enveloped by grief... 

There's so many overwhelming emotions that leaves you unable to focus. It leaves you without a focal point to pour your energy into .....

(And there's "so much"  energy stagnant in your being.)

You don't know who to blame. 

What to do. 

Who to hate 

What coulda, shoulda, and woulda even applied ... 

Everything's just in a frenzy.... 

Panic, anxiety, hurt, anger, sorrow....

It's like tossing everything you find into a pot kinda... 

And the task is to arrange things in # order 😅

Because society wants you to react "properly" lol.

But no one griefs the same...so what's even proper in these circumstances anyhow? And then there's our cultural differences too...

And my family was grief shaming me for crying. 

Grief

Grief carves a place in the heart and sits there forever. But when focused, it can be a powerful motivator. Sadness becomes resolve, and pain becomes action.

Seaon02 Ep 10 of A Discovery of Witches

Hypomania

Hhmm.... 

Depression lite lol But fucking laced up with a bogey that will blow up in the face right afterwards

"" Showing impulsive behavior that can lead to poor choices, such as buying sprees, reckless sex or foolish business investments. "" 

What worries me...:(

"" elevated mood that is different than just feeling good. "" 

Hypothyroidism 

Not enough metabolism 

说得到轻巧 。。。

妈妈说, 作为一个女孩子，要学会示弱。

可是现在的男生都这么娘，

你叫我怎么示弱呀😅？

小鸟依人也要有一个够强壮的人才能依靠呀。

出门遇到个妈宝，

你到底是谁依靠谁啊？

听说女生要会撒娇才会显得可爱，

可是这不觉得很幼稚吗？

一定要萌得像个傻蛋才叫可爱吗？

温柔...

我好像从来就没学会🤷🏻‍♀️

还是它的定义，每个人都不一样而已？

这么多心灵脆弱的小男生，

撑不起我半个肩膀的人，又想要我仰慕着他

来撑起我的半边天....

这叫我情何以堪啊？

又不比我能干，

又想要我听话，

还指望我能顺从😅 

这些人为什么不去养宠物，

但又觉得自己招架的住养老婆呢？

而且还别提生儿育女，

房贷，来侍奉双方的父母，

以及各自一直到生老病死。

生活中的基本负担。

现在回想起来，真的很难以想像

我妈之前还跟我提过“闪婚”这两个字

她应该很知足我没有恐婚就已经很好了。

🤣🤣🤣

独一无二

独一无二

我这个人，是不吃回头草的。

我要么跟你在一起，至死不渝。

我要么跟你分的干干净净，斩草除根。

我是个人，不是游戏机，

你不会有第二次机会的。

此生仅此一次！

希望你死的明白。

勿念。

🫰🏻

女汉子

要头，头一个。

要命，命一条。

本姑娘不怕死。只怕被你耽搁了。

我般逍遥。。。

我好像花了一辈子寻找一个：

不存在的爱情故事。

不属于我的家庭。

不归我的事业和工作。

留不住的爱人。

保不住的工作。

救不了的亲人。

生不了的孩子。

一生的遗憾，30 而落。

我的心好痛，人好空虚。

我找遍了全世界可是我就是找不到你。

你到底在哪里？ 

害怕你已经不在了。

怕你走了。

怕你没了。

怕你被那个小三拐走了。

我应该怎么办？

剩下我一个人，你叫我该怎么办？

为什么这些人都这么爱给我画饼？

都是骗子。

怕我要像守活寡一样活着一辈子。

这好像就是我的命似的。

从高中毕业后就这样了。

真心，真意，真情，纯洁的爱情真的不存在了吗？

Reasoning for Love

我也有不为人知的一面。

既然不够了解

我们增加了解不就好了

生活习惯， 爱好，都是很独特的东西

没必要刻意去改变

喜欢一个人

就会接受他的一切

甚至被同化

爱情就是。。。“彭”

你懂吗？

所以

不要一板一眼地讲道理。

喜欢你， 就是我的道理！

Character: 秦小月

TV Show: 以爱为营

Ep: 30

Teachings Parents should heed

动辄加以棍棒, 不耐给予教诲, 这顽童又如何能成才。

星汉灿烂 ep10

34min09sec

She's finally buried.

Since Grandma's passing, nothing has been the same for me.

I've dissociated, isolated and flat out just broken.....

The fleeting thought of her makes me cry in a split second.

I just started grief counseling after the first couple of QA sessions. Everyone is hoping this will work, but it's a lot to expect from a 6 to 8 weeks program that's once per week.... Honestly... 

Very little desire for things and not just to do things.

Nothing else matters ..... 

Grandpa took grandma's ashes home to be buried finally, after more than two years. It hurts so much that I can't be there but it's also of great relief knowing she has a place to rest in peace now. 

Mind dump

It was nice meeting a competent new therapist last Tuesday. He definitely seems to have more common sense than my current psychiatrist..   or at least less bullshit. (Treating me like im fresh out the womb and don't know any better, smh ... Stupid bitch ... Yep still hostile.)

It's going to be productive with this therapist, I can feel it. It'll be productive for the both of us lol. Appearently I'm still being nominated by medical professionals to become a stand up comedian. 2023 and still going strong lol

I was very amused when he said on the scale of one to ten.... The more he listened to what I had to say... It went to 20... Then 30.... Hahahaha

I died a little there lol, joey did too when I told him about it 

It's been nice having a friend to hang out with at least once a week recently; due to our physical therapy appointments. 

And according to my cardiologist, I haven't gone back to see him for like 9 years... 

I'm stuck wearing another heart monitoring thing for days (like a week).... Itchy... Bad for my eczema. 

Not a fan before and still don't like it. I am surprised that it's equipment wise got upgraded from the stone age and is now working the Bluetooth and synced with a smartphone to go lol 

Now I'm just waiting on the CT angiogram that he wants to have me do as a precaution ...

#OldAgeIsReal

Reflections: Chapter 01 of A Purpose Driven Life (Book)

Reading a Book: A Purpose Driven Life 
Chapter 01 

It's rare for me to voluntarily read and or want to read on my own; Especially if it wasn't forced upon me by the obligations of life.

The author wants his readers to interact with his book for 40 days, as an experience and journey. 
A reflection of marinated thought, daily, per chapter. 



     As I read the first chapter, again, (since I never got too far the first time years ago) I had many instant disagreeing feelings to what I read. 

The message I reacted to was how a life that's self serving and self centered is wrong; especially when the author is addressing to me, his reader, about "My" - Life. 

Parents raise children to believe that being selfish is bad. And therefore: Wrong! 
But they never told me that being selfless can be harmful and painful to me and my well being. 
So of course when I felt that my self preservation instincts are being preyed upon by what I read, I strongly disagreed. (as a first response) 

As a child to their parental relationships, many of us try to escape the life of having our parental figures live their lives vicariously through us (some more forcefully than others, about how and who we should be, and therefore what to do, to become their dreams and failed aspirations). 

My life is mine. My time is mine. My direction to strive my life towards is also mine. 
I will not make someone else the star and backseat driver of "My"-Life. 
There's no investment like self investment.
It has never wasted my time nor attachments towards self improvement. 

But living selflessly, self-sacrificingly, have scorned me to crisps and burned my well being to the ground (in more ways than one). 

I'm not Gandhi.
I'm not Mother Teresa.
And nor will I ever aspire to be; For what I seek is simple and plain. 
I have no dreams about being an icon, or a looking point to inspire others. 

All I have ever wanted, was to live a peaceful life with a family of my own, as a whole. 
I have no grandiose dreams of being rich, famous, or influential. 
I actually don't want to be bothered by people.

It's peaceful.  

Hell on Earth

There is a reason why this prison is the worst hell on earth. Hope. 

Every man who has rotted here over the centuries, has looked up to the light, and imagined climbing to freedom. So easy. So simple. 

And like shipwrecked men turning to sea water, from uncontrollable thirst... many have died trying.

I learned here that there can be no true despair without hope.

Bane

Batman: Rise of Darkness

I will feed its people hope to poison their souls. I will let them believe that they can survive, so that you can watch them clambering over each other to stay in the sun.

King's Avatar

幻想和现实的区别是坚信不疑。

不可能到可能的距离是绝不放弃。

叶秋

君莫笑

Trust

"Trust only lasts until someone involved changes their mind." 

Tukasa 

Anime: Pet ep07 Revenge 

Pfizer Vaccine - Covid-19

April 30th, 2021, Friday, about 2PM I left the vaccination site. 

My arm where the shot was, it didn't hurt at first but it gradually started to hurt as hours went on. But I learned my lesson from the first shot, pick the arm you don't end up sleeping on the most. 

930PM - Updates : I'm feeling a little bit of head discomfort and I'm feeling warm. However, my body temperature is still within  normal range. I'm currently 98.2 degrees (F).