"When someone walks out of your life, let them. You may miss them, but remember you weren't the one that gave up..."Perhaps its a self defense mechanism, or just not wanting to take the blame.... But any relationship takes two people; unless you were dating yourself in the mirror looking into your own reflections.
However, this was a really thought triggering thing to read .. lol
First person I told, my mom lol. And then asked her not to bring up or mention anything about money right now, please..
Then she asked the same thing I did lol... First it was : When did it happen?
Then: "他不能离？" --- He can't get a divorce?
followed by : "跟他的老板一个口气。" --- He has the same tone, just like his boss.
I felt my heart sunk, like the anchor of a ship. It just felt heavy... as it fell into a deeper pit. But the surface remains calm.
I felt pain, eventually... since the feeling has gotten dull.
It's been slowly but surely I guess.
But this is still the man I love. (guess he has a point when he said we felt like family members.)
My memories are fading again. So I know I've def. been depressed lol. Gotta get ready and start keeping a daily journal again, just so I can recognize time.
我心中有你. 你心中没有我.
我的...
白痴, 我爱你
You would think I'd cry a little less now since I've been crying all throughout this whole damn relationship.
It's like I'm mourning again.
But I know and so does my friends... if I can get over Juan, I can get over just about anyone lol.
Betty didn't seem too amused when I joked about calling Juan for distractions hehhehe
I miss Liza.. haven't seen a therapist in years.... lol
It was weird... that about 2 days ago or so... when I was organizing everything...
I opened my traveling kit bag... where I kept the 2 shot glasses that we've used the last couple of times at hotels. And one of them was broken, so I had to throw it away. Ironic. (guess I had a feeling and this was why.)
Its hard to find someone who understands you, but it's even hard to find someone with enough brain cells to analysis you as well. Needless to say, even tougher if that's a person you'll actually listen to lol. But these people are your life savers, that'll bring you safely to shore.
-------------------
I have a lot of thoughts running all over the place right now... feels like a bunch of deers running frantically, scared from being beamed from a car's headlights. It's like sensory overload, with too many data flying all over the place.
When I'm hurt, my defense mechanism (my brain) won't let me show it... it'll fight it.
My heart wants me to be honest, and say and try whatever I can think of to salvage it. Because I want it to work, that badly. I don't want to have regrets, esp. with someone whom I love so dearly. My heart, what I truly feel is what talks me into staying when I'm hurting, hurting so badly that feels like I'm being tortured to the the brink of existence. My heart, and all these feelings is what also makes me feel like a fool at the end of the day. My mind blames myself for giving it my all, for being genuine, and sincere with the person I love and hold most dear// Just so they can stab me in chest. But I also know that if I didn't love, then it wouldn't have hurt, so it sure as hell wouldn't have mattered to me at all.
I'm back to questioning the reality of this relationship again, because of all the lies.
Some part of me feels like he moved on more than me lol Other part just thinks he has more lies yet told, or he probably can't keep his promises again so he's ending it now and not dragging it out till end of Dec. as agreed, or he cheated on me/ that or has prospects ready lol ... just waiting to be single again.
I feel toyed with (hurt)... gonna quote the same thing again
This is his words...." i have let you down but i wont again, i will try for you any which way humanly possible, i should have never made you feel this way 3:09 AM" ""
"Trying" is too much to handle, to actually put in work cause it's not all sunshine and rainbows.
I get paper print outs, cut outs.... and trips to queens or half way to queens; that was the extend of his efforts for "humanly possible" lol :: scoffs ::..
My mind said don't make any more future plans with a liar... but my heart didn't want to picture it without him.
~Still haven't seen "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2" that was released Sept. 27th... almost 2 months ago
~He was suppose to go shopping with me again on Black Friday, which is Friday of next week.
~We had plans to actually not spend New Years at work again... but with each other and family hopping on his end.
~Owes me a decent Valentine's day
~A proper birthday celebration since he completely ruined it this year. (A vacation he said.... )
~All the hollow words, empty promises... that he said he was going to try and fulfill lol
Some part of me feels like I wasted my time with a immature child, who hasn't experienced a "serious" relationship... and I was his guinea pig. (This is why I don't like virgins.) ----My Jaded self... lol
Pictured thoughts of having families with many potential suitors, but never did think "oh, this is the one" or even might be the one... majority of the time, just thinking ....WTF am I gonna do, or how will life be...if I was "Stuck"...and with that guy...@_@"
---
I will admit this tho.... old habits die hard lol.
I do enjoy testing them, just to see if their love is true, and to see the depth of their affection.
(Then thought what Erick said to me " Passive aggressive... " )
Matt didn't seem too happy when I mentioned what Betty posted on FB, but then again... I didn't think he was even on FB much to even see it. lol How people have changed.
I just wish he had enough balls to admit that he's quitting on "us", instead of giving me the novelty lines of " I don't want to hurt you anymore, and you'll be happier without me." Blah blah... Esp. now after all the bullshit talks, the I will try, I'll be better speeches... // Like I said..."Blah blah".... ~_~" (annoyed)
Well.... back to the home improvement project hehehe
That soft and mushy side of life, will get you nothing but hurt. Got those thoughts too, but don't even wanna think about it right now. Fucking wanna snuff that dumb bitch lol Go play nice in your grave woman!! This is how you get your feelings hurt. 我爱上了一个没心，没肺的人。
Guess the daily 3 pages activity still works lol.... empty out my head...and onwards with the self soothing process lol.
I guess ... at least now I won't have to worry about him not looking the part at work for a break up lol.
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