To new beginnings (Ending blog @ 10:18am --11/21/2013 --NYC time)

"When someone walks out of your life, let them. You may miss them, but remember you weren't the one that gave up..."Perhaps its a self defense mechanism, or just not wanting to take the blame.... But any relationship takes two people; unless you were dating yourself in the mirror looking into your own reflections.

However, this was a really thought triggering thing to read .. lol


First person I told, my mom lol. And then asked her not to bring up or mention anything about money right now, please.. 
Then she asked the same thing I did lol... First it was : When did it happen?
Then: "他不能离？"  --- He can't get a divorce? 
followed by : "跟他的老板一个口气。" --- He has the same tone, just like his boss.


I felt my heart sunk, like the anchor of a ship. It just felt heavy... as it fell into a deeper pit. But the surface remains calm.
I felt pain, eventually... since the feeling has gotten dull.
It's been slowly but surely I guess.
But this is still the man I love. (guess he has a point when he said we felt like family members.)

My memories are fading again. So I know I've def. been depressed lol. Gotta get ready and start keeping a daily journal again, just so I can recognize time.

我心中有你.  你心中没有我.

我的...
白痴, 我爱你


               You would think I'd cry a little less now since I've been crying all throughout this whole damn relationship.
It's like I'm mourning again.
But I know and so does my friends... if I can get over Juan, I can get over just about anyone lol.
Betty didn't seem too amused when I joked about calling Juan for distractions hehhehe

               I miss Liza.. haven't seen a therapist in years.... lol
It was weird... that about 2 days ago or so... when I was organizing everything...
I opened my traveling kit bag... where I kept the 2 shot glasses that we've used the last couple of times at hotels. And one of them was broken, so I had to throw it away. Ironic. (guess I had a feeling and this was why.)


               Its hard to find someone who understands you, but it's even hard to find someone with enough brain cells to analysis you as well. Needless to say, even tougher if that's a person you'll actually listen to lol. But these people are your life savers, that'll bring you safely to shore.
-------------------

I have a lot of thoughts running all over the place right now... feels like a bunch of deers running frantically, scared from being beamed from a car's headlights. It's like sensory overload, with too many data flying all over the place.

               When I'm hurt, my defense mechanism (my brain) won't let me show it... it'll fight it.
My heart wants me to be honest, and say and try whatever I can think of to salvage it. Because I want it to work, that badly. I don't want to have regrets, esp. with someone whom I love so dearly. My heart, what I truly feel is what talks me into staying when I'm hurting, hurting so badly that feels like I'm being tortured to the the brink of existence. My heart, and all these feelings is what also makes me feel like a fool at the end of the day. My mind blames myself for giving it my all, for being genuine, and sincere with the person I love and hold most dear// Just so they can stab me in chest. But I also know that if I didn't love, then it wouldn't have hurt, so it sure as hell wouldn't have mattered to me at all.

               I'm back to questioning the reality of this relationship again, because of all the lies.
Some part of me feels like he moved on more than me lol Other part just thinks he has more lies yet told, or he probably can't keep his promises again so he's ending it now and not dragging it out till end of Dec. as agreed, or he cheated on me/ that or has prospects ready lol ... just waiting to be single again.

I feel toyed with (hurt)... gonna quote the same thing again
 This is his words...." i have let you down but i wont again, i will try for you any which way humanly possible, i should have never made you feel this way 3:09 AM" ""

               "Trying" is too much to handle, to actually put in work cause it's not all sunshine and rainbows.
I get paper print outs, cut outs.... and trips to queens or half way to queens;  that was the extend of his efforts for "humanly possible" lol :: scoffs ::..

My mind said don't make any more future plans with a liar... but my heart didn't want to picture it without him.

~Still haven't seen "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2" that was released Sept. 27th... almost 2 months ago
~He was suppose to go shopping with me again on Black Friday, which is Friday of next week.
~We had plans to actually not spend New Years at work again... but with each other and family hopping on his end.
~Owes me a decent Valentine's day
~A proper birthday celebration since he completely ruined it this year. (A vacation he said.... )
~All the hollow words, empty promises... that he said he was going to try and fulfill lol

Some part of me feels like I wasted my time with a immature child, who hasn't experienced a "serious" relationship... and I was his guinea pig. (This is why I don't like virgins.) ----My Jaded self... lol


               Pictured thoughts of having families with many potential suitors, but never did think "oh, this is the one" or even might be the one... majority of the time, just thinking ....WTF am I gonna do, or how will life be...if I was "Stuck"...and with that guy...@_@"
---


I will admit this tho.... old habits die hard lol.
I do enjoy testing them, just to see if their love is true, and to see the depth of their affection.
(Then thought what Erick said to me " Passive aggressive... " )

Matt didn't seem too happy when I mentioned what Betty posted on FB, but then again... I didn't think he was even on FB much to even see it. lol How people have changed.
I just wish he had enough balls to admit that he's quitting on "us", instead of giving me the novelty lines of " I don't want to hurt you anymore, and you'll be happier without me." Blah blah... Esp. now after all the bullshit talks, the I will try, I'll be better speeches...     // Like I said..."Blah blah".... ~_~"   (annoyed)


Well.... back to the home improvement project hehehe
That soft and mushy side of life, will get you nothing but hurt. Got those thoughts too, but don't even wanna think about it right now. Fucking wanna snuff that dumb bitch lol Go play nice in your grave woman!! This is how you get your feelings hurt. 我爱上了一个没心，没肺的人。

Guess the daily 3 pages activity still works lol.... empty out my head...and onwards with the self soothing process lol.

I guess ... at least now I won't have to worry about him not looking the part at work for a break up lol.

"Then I will not touch you, he said"

It was surprise to see a Facebook notification for which he has placed me under his family members. But it had no option for whatever this relationship between us was suppose to be; not to mention, I didn't know why the sudden request and placement on this site.
I didn't know what to feel after further looking into the matter... so I asked him.
It was so I could view the pictures we recently took, since he placed it under family members only.
Yet, I've never felt so out of place while in a relationship with someone I love.
So this deed inflicted pain that he will never know of, because he is a careless man.

None the less, I was going to put that behind me and move on.
Besides, I was starving and needed nourishment. He got up and got it for me upon request, opened it, and then ate first.

All I could think of was all the times... that I made sure he was properly set up to eat first, fed first, and or had preparations ready in case he was hungry again later on. Then it clicked... he has never.. done such a thing for me. I was starving, my stomach was rumbling, but I had lost my appetite. And it seems like I have lost many things recently...

Somehow, forcing himself upon me when I am angry.... is suppose to make things better.
And repeatedly voicing the same issue, since he doesn't seem to grasp it only worsens the matter.... He then pours oil and light a torch upon the matter....

"Then I will not touch you, he said"



Why be with me? Why be with me at all ?
Why be there, why be near me?
Why not leave? Why not go home to your solace, since I am no longer that for you?
Was it the train? Was it the lack of convenience for you?

Whatever it was... being with me wasn't and still will not be your solution.
You turned your back on me. And then blamed me.

Today, Selfishness is all you can think of for reasoning.
Perhaps this relationship has stayed passed it's welcome.

You just didn't want to admit it.

Kelly Clarkson- Already Gone

Feeling like the other person is always ready to take the easy way out. Or perhaps the easier way out....

Either way, god forbid they put in more effort, this would be too much for them....as it'd work out ...and I'd expect it to work... lol

I always know when I'm not placed first. He, himself, will first and foremost.... always be in front of me.
I have empathy towards that choice decision.
But in a relationship, when I've never placed him as second choice... just doesn't sit with me well.


For a man that's "supposedly" trying to make amends with me and all his broken promises....
you would think he'd take the opportunity to fulfill one of the first promises ever made to me, by laying off sex for a month. We're already 2 weeks in, from fighting and me having had a period. But he just couldn't pick the bigger picture over sex --- once again. lol

I'm dating a man who doesn't even know me, and it's been over a year.... I know what I fell in love with, but I don't he knows. It just doesn't feel like it's me anymore. Better yet, I don't think it was ever me, it was always how I made him felt comfortable about being himself, to be comfortable in his own skin while with another human being. It's always how he can love himself and care for himself a little more. I was never in that equation, it was always himself and his "me me me me ME".

Promised me a movie that we'd see in theaters for way over a month, minimum.... and as soon as I realize it's not playing in the theater we're had planned to see it in; all he can say is "I'll download it baby".
I asked for him to find it in another movie theater, I knew I was half assed because I looked and he didn't.
So he didn't have any answers for where else this movie is playing at a day later.  And then blaming it on yahoo search engine, even there...I saw 2 theaters in NYC playing that move. Google offered a lot more theater options, but he never looked.

Effort.... lol This is his words...." i have let you down but i wont again, i will try for you any which way humanly possible, i should have never made you feel this way 3:09 AM" "

If humanly possible was this limited, I think we'd still be trying to figure out how to make fire.

It's efforts like these...that makes me question why I'm in a relationship and not single. How do you go 2 strikes out of 3 in like 24 hours, not even...
I'm disappointed. I'm full of resentment, and I'm angry from all the pain that has been inflicted upon me.

Box Car Racer - "I Feel So"

I'm so angry right now, I don't even know where to begin.
I just know, if I act upon what I'm feeling right now... I'd break.
So ---as usual, I push it to the back burner and just functioned on logic.... purely logic... and then my defense mechanism kicks in.

I feel hurt. I'm hostile.

I will NOT be half-assed & be 2nd Option to anyone.

2010, his FB
"Following a phone conversation on the evening of Sunday Sept. 5th - I went & picked up the NYS Driver's Manual from the DMV on Tuesday Sept. 7th. Two days later I went back & got my Learner's Permit for my Driver's License on Thursday Sept. 9th. On Saturday Sept 11th I took the mandatory 5 hr Pre-Licensing Course & obtained my Completion Certificate. Now I've got my Road Test scheduled for Friday Oct.1st (:"




Finding that status post, made me felt kinda bad for the ultimatum at the time--- while not realizing what hardship I actually proposed. But he did it, because he "wanted it" bad enough. So I knew he would try his best when it came to me. I gave him a month to get his drivers license or to never bother me again. I didn't want to see him, hear from him, or even the thought of him at the time. 


Even out of the bad times, I recall the good....collectively...of what I've had in my past. 
They were real. They were kind. And I was sure they invested in me their heart in full, regardless how stupid their actions came to measure by the end of it all.

I had hopes.
I had dreams.
I saw pictures of many lives that will never come to be.

But I fought so hard to hold on to those lives I saw pictures of... illusions of... lies, broken promises, false hope of aspiration. I was being undervalued and I resent that. 

Batteries

Sometimes I really wonder what I'm doing is right or wrong... Or maybe I'm just being really irresponsible.

One liar after another... except one stayed in character during majority of the time span, and the other just lacked skills. Dating have been very exhausting, and beyond taxing on myself mentally, and emotionally.

I'm become more and more jaded as life pass me by.
I still lack purpose... drive, and reason to stay motivated.

Each human being that has ever meant anything in my life, seem to work like a battery for me; some rechargeable, others one time use, some half ass used, or just bootleg trying to look like name brand. And the longer I keep those useless ones......it just looks horrible as time progresses.... like a chemical infestation from its core, just seeping out of that metal wrapping of pure advertisement bullshit.

"Which man would just volunteer that info."
I really thought the one that decides to spend the rest of his life with me, would tell me everything.
The one that pictures having a child with me to look like each other, would want to share his life with me; not just the good but the bad as well.
The one that tells me he loves me and doesn't want anyone else.... would ...


I've had a man that would use me to his advantage when his survival instincts kicks in, but at the same time would offer me his life if needed... or so he said ... lol But at least he made it believable for me. He tried, really hard.

Then I have this one, that unless it's sex and food... I don't really see much effort.




I'm better off by myself it seems.

The Leap ....feeling of that distance when you first bungee jumps...& realizes the spacial gaps.....just you and the cord....in mid-air ..

I've been feeling sick this week, and a little from last week....my throat was swollen and it's back again. I haven't had decent sleep for at least a good month in change now. I either can't fall asleep, or I wake up early and then can't fall back asleep till I'm at the point of exhaustion. My eczema have been pretty active, and my immune system have definitely gone down the latter. And all of this stress for what ? $18 per hour? $15 per hour? People I work with? Not worth it.


Finally had that meeting with Alex today, since last Friday's little shabang.

I don't know if he's senile, got dementia ...or something...... But he forgets and then jumbles a lot of the things said to him during these meetings; and then next thing I know it becomes something else.

          I can tell that as soon as I walked into his office, he wasn't very pleasant. His hair was a mess and seemed cold. The talk with 318 might of done the trick, or Waheed added some special effects in there for me prior to seeing the Boss. Whatever the case may be, I don't really care anymore.
It was a very long meeting about many aspects of his company and his staff. I did not want to speak to him and Waheed at the same time; that guy is a two faced, lying son of a bitch and I don't trust him nor give a shit about what he has to say. But I could also tell that I got him nervous, since he knows I'm not afraid, I'm honest, and got no filter on the truth on things I know about him and his bullshit. (Waheed wasn't in the meeting with us till the near end, so I heard he was wondering about back and forth from dispatch room to Alex's office lol don't know if it's because of nerves or tryings to eavesdrop.)

Today's topic:  first thing he said to me... which was that I caused such a uproar, and how come everyone hates me now, etc lol He looked so displeased. It reminded me of the look on his face when he said Veronica won't be coming back to the company, he won't let her come back anymore.

* Farruhk & his profile being changed (He seemed surprised when I told him everything that was going on in relations to this boy. Said he will check his attendance and if anything duct his pay. Asked me how he was when he was in Business class, told him I didn't hear much problems --esp. not like the ones he's giving me on my end. So Alex decided to put Farruhk back to B-class. ) Alex also gave me some sort of explanation story about why Farruhk got a $3 raise and no extra work, when they dumped all sorts of work on me lol for the same $3 value for a raise.

* Robin (She will be getting a first class ticket out of here, as soon as we get someone good enough for replacement; or till season dies down. ) She is our biggest pain in the ass out of all the operators, and for $14 an hour...that's just some bullshit.

* Rudy (Boss asked me why didn't Rudy manage more, and how come I ended up doing everything and didn't let him do it? & proceeded to tell me "he's the manager, let him do it"  )

*Zack

---- Waheed sat in during these parts of convo. :

* Edwin (Asked me how he was doing and what I thought of the new guy. he types slow.... real slow.)

* Joey (All of a sudden...Waheed chimes in "he's a good guy" and Alex telling me the world isn't perfect lol. Whatever.... )

* Dinara (The issue that no one has the balls to bring up to the Boss. So I did, since I don't fear for my job right now. He gave me some story too, and Waheed had to chime in again about how Zack talks to her and etc ---BULLSHIT ! if anyone did talked to her, and corrected the issue----> then why the hell is she still like this?!?! explain that to me why don't you !!  ) Alex also gave some background story of what he was willing to share etc then he said a Russian saying " a fly thinks he is a plane"

          Today was the first time that I think I saw the Boss annoyed, tho he does try to come off as disconnected as possible. It was around the time when I said that I just want a clear list of my duties and etc // And when I was interrupting him... lol

-------------------------------------------------------
Went on break after the meeting, came back and have a private talk with Wendy too. Marion was comforting me as well, which I really did appreciate. Then Alex called for me around 8pm... basically proposing....$18/hr and for me to stay as a Dispatcher, since my drivers love me. He was surprised that I didn't just accept his offer, and wanted to sleep on it and continue the talk tomorrow.

----Spoke to Murray around 4pm and Waheed was trying to paw some other bullshit on him, about giving Roman to him for assistance or job endangered?? lol Murray was like no, I don't want him,  fire me now then ...and basically said he will just go to one of the many other company options he has to pick from.
----Spoke to Janet from Sullivan and Cromwell.... she gave me some background info. too lol.
----Spoke to Kevin, he looked happy to see me and asked when they were going to give me for his shift lol And that I had him scared when he didn't see me last night when he came in for his shift; he thought I had quit the job already.

Jeff made it very clear to me that they need me at my shift.
I just feel so disheartened from my shift, and majority of the people on it....(off the top of my head, Wendy, Marion, Tanya and Cynthia are the ones I'd wanna say a proper goodbye to. )

879's Wedding 10/22/2013 Tuesday

Went to 879's wedding last night with Matt. We saw  318 and 338 soon as we got there, and they looked very surprised to see us there. It seems like 879 only had 2 tables for drivers, each table 10 people each. It was a very noisy wedding.... since the venue was shared with another couple having their wedding too at the same time. These two couples only had a wooden foldable stand dividing the space, which made them blast the sound system to compete with each other ~_~" which was very annoying and it hurt my ears.

The service at this restaurant was awful... they were rushing us, not to mention a dish wasn't finished but they would come by and it would be time to move on @_@" like WTF?! I'm still eating here damnit!! This was the quickest wedding I've ever been to, it was done in like 2-3 hours.

So who was on our table? HHmmm.....318, 338, 301, 710 (sat next to Matt) , and 858 sat next to me. Then there was 2 woman we don't know who it was, but presume it was friend of the family for Bride or Groom. The other driver's table, I only recognized 136, and I was told and 547.

858 kept on telling me how we're stripped in the city, 17 jobs in zone 1; man was I glad that I took the day off lol. Matt checked his zone 26 too, he has 5 cars and no job hanging. 858 wanted to move up, so asked a few questions about Business class requirements.

Our drivers kept on busting our chops about when we're getting married, it was cute. We took a picture with 879 and his bride when we first arrived. I tried taking some pictures when they were announcing the couple to make an entrance to the stage, but the pictures came out blurred :/ or someone was in my way ~_~"

There was a good amount of dishes being presented at each dinner table, but the order of it was just bad line up. Lobster salad was first and then all the fruits they just took away from us ~_~", this plate should of been last damnit!!

People mostly drank soda and beer ( heineken. ) And I learned my baby loves Quail ! lol
Last night we each put in $100, since it's our first Fujianese wedding in New York, and my Dad said it was fine since we weren't that close with the couple being wed.

Concord's Internal Incompetence

Today just wasn't my day.... I went to the train station and got on the train at 2pm... then the stupid thing wasn't moving for like 10mins .... So I decided to leave and take a cab... and then the train moves....
The cab cost me 33.25 after tip to Brooklyn.
Wanted Snapple, the glass bottle....ordered food and the Snapple....but got the new plastic bottle ~_~"

It's just the little things that's annoying me left and right.
Spoke w/Mom during lunch break... told her if I quit, I'll def. be home for Chinese New Year's this year.

There's just so much nonsense in this company.
Got my raise on 9/11 --- after a long meeting w/Alex and Waheed.
Alex told me Farruhk got his $3 raise when we had a meeting 9/30 ... just so this boy will come in on weekend and still do the same 40hours per week.

I, on the other hand.... got all sorts of responsibilities ... for the same amount... which to me is ridiculous and WTF ?!!?

Below was the e-mail content of duties I mentioned to Waheed, since they decided to duct my pay and do a demotion.

But """""Rudy definitely did not have all the same duties I was given when he was just an Assistant Manager.

~E-mails from the Manager's desk
~Schedules (An excel file has been sent to Wendy since you said she is in charge of it now. )
~POD Manager for package jobs
~I've trained every newly employed dispatcher that came in after myself. (Farrukh, Marcus, Marion, attempted Melynda and now Edwin as well. )

~Rudy is off on Mondays and has a week vacation starting from Christmas// please have someone step in to manage the shift; esp. tomorrow 10/21 Monday
I was told " we'll come up with something" but I don't want people coming to me for what I'm not being compensated for. 

~The customer service roles with all Chinese drivers; we have Lawrence now --- please have him take part,  since during our membership meeting: drivers were told to e-mail/call me directly.
Right now they all wait till my shift to call me, so I hear their troubles from weekends, overnights and mornings. ( besides my own shift.)

~Since Ali left, all the MTA drivers came back to me again, so I'm doing their daily 388 account job line up; like Roman does with MTA & HHHC.
(& I was told Ali won't be returning to us, so I have to deal with Roman and his needs; which some aren't even my duties, it's his. )
~Roman needs document translation for his new pricing position/ &  to "redispatch" jobs which he assigned/ and to speak to drivers that he thinks don't speak english when they do if he just tried.
But not just him tho, anyone hears an Asian accent or remotely thinks they're Chinese I'd get the calls transferred even if they know how to speak English.(ex: 514 he is korean)

~Making excel files when certain account needs it for billing or any kind of processing, really isn't my job now-- is it? I think it's a secretary's job, don't we have Katya for that?

~The data analysis of our company's production reports... I've made templates for every shift, so it can be easier to read and for them to fill out. // Even started doing reports for Zack, since I lacked data for almost 2 months. I have reports from 9/11 till now, which will be sent to Alex in excel format.

~You asked about operator's smoke breaks, how long and how many they take usually; I made a sheet after that and started having them sign in/out --- which Rudy has the sheet now since Friday.

~Lastly, as per Irina>  Tanya from downstairs still need someone to do the 1155 & 1154 account uploads at 9:40pm Monday - Friday; since Audrey said I could stop. """"""

Feelings in the back burner....

it burns nothing but pain; of which I don't care to deal with, so it can't electrify my senses plugged into a socket.

Stress & Distress....

It's been nothing but stress at work lately, for over a month now, and the only good thing was finally getting my raise and seeing it on my direct deposit statement yesterday.

Writing 4 people up in 3 days.

Then finding out they had to send out a fleet message because I was off work and a lot of people were calling in for me lol.

People giving me a hard time, but then I resolved it.... lol It's like fixing a problem, once you really figure out what the issue is... otherwise, we're just butting heads...



"It's like I'm trying to preserve something that's already gone"
Ted, from How I Met Your Mother.



I'm back to the ground page where it feels like sex is the only thing he would really "strive" and put in effort for. Perhaps it's due to the instant gratification, besides sex feels good lol. But if sex was all I need a guy to put in effort for ...then a sex buddy would of been a better option and I'd pick one great in most things....... :/
This is not what I'd sign up for, for a boyfriend.... for me.
He slept, I watched him sleep, snored, and gave him my covers so he wouldn't be cold; but then I ended up with the sniffles. When the time comes, he's always eager to leave like an employer stopped paying for hourly wage passed his shift.// Which for me is like WTF ?!?

*After a sleepless night for me, and me wanting to sleep.... he steps on me, and only saying blayt, instead of asking if I'm ok...
*Here I am trying to sleep still.... he asks if I have a hairbrush ... and then catches an attitude when I throw the blanket over my head and told him to figure it out...

So I got up, go dressed, packed everything, and went upstairs.... and for once I didn't wait for him. I felt bad but at the same time, I don't think he cares. Because our time is up? cause it's 10am and he has to go. Or 5am like the last time. I don't know what this is anymore. Last time was even more awkward....Had sex and then because it's 5AM, him telling me he gotta go... wtf ...am i ?? your fucking booty call now??


I don't know what we have anymore, feels like I just invested emotions into a sex buddy relationship...
And next month is our one year anniversary...
This is so tiring right now.... and when I get upset, and only seems like --"I " get upset....
it's like I'm the only one rocking the boat, making trouble for him and for whatever this supposedly is??




-----------Rachel just came back yesterday... saying she is ready for more Chinese lol
So now here's my schedule.....Mon-Fri... with now alternating Saturdays...Sunday ESL w/Drivers and now w/Rachel as well .. (I'm still suppose to have 2 days off within a 7 day week.)

I don't know how Ruben escaped the alternating schedule completely, but he's def. back up when we can't. And it was just like wtf...when I heard Rudy say....on Ruben, he can't Sat. is the day for him and his girl...

I don't know what happened to , "We can't schedule work around your relationship" line...he gave me few weeks back...and now this bullshit. I'm very fed up, in a multi-faceted manner.

I'm tempted to take the Sun & Monday off shift...I just don't like having to be at Concord at 11am, because I'd have to be up around 8am @_@....which screws up my sleeping pattern throughout the week. I'm leaning towards taking off days with actual dress codes....// and now in the rocky state of w/e this relationship is right now... wouldn't mind days where we'd see each other less if this ends.

Wendy's Birthday Surprise! & 50 Car Party 6302

I've been planning a birthday surprise since the beginning of the month. Wendy, who plans birthdays for all of us in the office and puts in extra money when she don't get enough from everyone at the job. It's about time we celebrated her's or at least to thank her. I ended up collecting over a hundred for this woman, and been shopping for today's big surprise since last weekend.

She got balloons from Tonya, got a bouquet of pink roses, I ended up buying 2 cakes(Italian Rum/ and a 14 cheesecake sampler) , since it was going to be 15 people today. 3 bottles of sodas ( one diet ginger ale so she can drink too) , and some of her favorite snacks. (Pop corn, potato chips, and cheese puffs ). We topped it off with a birthday, which I made sure everyone who chipped in, signed it. Last but not least, because I was being savvy with the spending budget, had $50 to give her as well.

Today's birthday surprise was accomplished with great success ! She never saw it coming :D


--------------

Work wise..... 50 car party in the city, with party rates.... took 3 drivers from party, who are also from my weekend ESL class, to cover zone 54's big VIPs ...

Today felt great! I'm exhausted, since I got up super early to do everything and barely caught any sleep since I was still thinking how to deal with everything I need to do.... but it was worth it. :) She was happy. I was afraid that she would be angry, since she didn't want to celebrate her birthday and was very insisting on it.



Sad part of today, one of my nice drivers 544 called and said this was his last week. He found a full time office job and friday he will be in the office to finish paper works etc etc for leaving. So maybe I'll get to meet him before he leaves like Femi (but never got to see him) He left me his contact said to K.I.T., so sweet of him. I was so bummed out though.

One other downside to today... I forgot today was voting day....didn't realize it till I was shopping in Flushing for Wendy's birthday surprise;  wanted to vote for John Liu for Mayor... just saw his campaign in the mail too.

Manager for a Day

So Rudy called out today 9/9/2013... Monday....and automatically I'm the one in charge of the 3-11pm shift =_=""   ..... man... was I not thrilled about this lol And then everything else just piled on, one after the next... I was just annoyed and not feeling it...

We all thought Rudy was going to be out Tues. and then a text message about him being out today, which only Ruben received ....=_=""  aarruughh....I don't get group texts... this is the 2nd time he tried group texting, when he knew 1st failed !! .... But whatever...


          First, I get Farruhk telling me no he won't move from his seat to where Rudy usually sits. Then Ruben had to tell him to move a few times, I told him more than 5 times, Matt had to tell him and then ended up yelling at him for being uncooperative while I'm in charge. Then Audrey had to come by ask what's going on and then tell him to move too..... It blew up...after Farruhk went to Garviel and Waheed.... and all this bullshit over nothing, because he felt like behaving like a child; and then went to complain about it when he got treated as such.

2 events going on .... zone 7 for new account and then zone 54 with barclays ...and the parking lot, can't find utog dispatcher drama....and Barclays Manager calling.....big loops of nothing and lack of communication all around .... :: deep sighs ::....so annoying =_=""

We were stripped in the city before I even got a chance to sit down today. I had to worry about the live calls with no @ signs, showing passengers knew of the delays. And then worry about reservations to come, that will also be delayed. At the same time....missing 2 operators, not to mention my own Manager. It was just chaos....
All of this...and then Alex the boss calls me to his office....to finally get a chance to talk..... when it was the worst time to have a talk and drag me from my seat. Luckily, Garviel came in and got me out of there, since I didn't know when or how to interrupt the Boss's conversation with another person when I came in.

And before Waheed leaves....he tells me we have a 50 car party tomorrow. Which I have to put out the info. today...so we can be prepared tomorrow. =_=""

I was so glad when Alex said he called Zack to come back....it was around 5pm and he said in 20 minutes or so Zack would be back int he office. Barclays was mostly thanks to him and his efforts tonight. I was being spread so thin without any proper training for this role they just dropped on me. :: deep...deeeppp EXHALES !!::....



All of this.... while trying to put together Wendy's birthday surprise as well... and everything needed for coordination .... It was just crazy, hectic, and insane..... for lack of better words.
Thank god Zack was there, so I had a chance to go eat as well.... since I didn't even get a chance to order any food when I came in today, it was too crazy. (And I'm still only being compensated as a Dispatcher only, none for any of the roles they just dropped on me, esp. without proper training as well. ) I left the job and I forgot my own jacket =_=""  .... sheeshh....and it's been nippy lately too :/

I miss having a seasoned Manager..... I missed Iskander, I miss Roni..... :: sighs ::....

Surprising Highlight of today: One of my Chinese Drivers, heard the exhaustion and dismay in my voice... asked me what was wrong, told her it was crazy today; next thing I know she told me that if I was to ever leave the company, she volunteers to go with me. But just to make sure it's a good company and she will come with :) and she said it all happy and cheerful. I was so surprised and kind of moved, and semi cheered up, to feel like I have a shoulder to cry on too and not just hear them complain all the time lol. It felt like I made a friend today, and it was real and not just on the level of using each other for work.

Feeling like a lost lamb since Roni left...

What authority and responsibilities do I have as Assistant Manager?

Who is going to train us for our new roles?

Everything is structured in such an unorthodox manner....it's really hard to function in Concord @_@" :: deep sighs ::...

Concord... and it's bells and whistles...

Nothing but shitty end of the stick right now...and over working for the rate I'm being paid at the moment:



08/20/2013 Tues. --- I get a phone call from 136, who basically went off yelling at me, saying why I wrote him up; all because Joey put my name on the slip he wrote. He was also calling me a liar, since I denied having wrote that slip. (When I came in to help cover knock off last sunday // after I taught Drivers for over 2 hours prior to the 3-11pm shift of work. I was exhausted.)

08/21/2013 Wed. --- Rudy Announced My new title: Assistant Manager--, spoke w/Waheed too about raise..he said wait till Alex come back around 8/28th ... and Waheed said ESL class end at 6th class so 2 more


a week later.....


08/28/2013 Wed. --- Juan from zypsee app came and recorded my voice in Chinese, so the drivers can have a version they can understand on their phones. And I'm also asked to translate words visually for the app.

08/29/2013 Thurs. --- I get Audrey drama; embarrassing me in front of the whole floor...over some bullshit that doesn't even have anything to do with me. But her approach came off like she was trying to put me on the spot, for something that I might of made a mistake on. Annoyed me. (This can be confirmed with any dispatcher and or operator during my shift)   // Same day translated for Grisha for a sign he wants to make for the insurance office downstairs.

08/30/2013 --- Fri. --- As per Alex the boss... since we trained Farruhk already, we will put him as a full time dispatcher on the team in the back roll with the rest of us.

Sat. my day off....besides Sundays....in my current schedule... ....... ...... ..... .....

09/01/2013 Sun. --- ESL w/Drivers from 12pm-2pm. But for these drivers I always work beyond the hours I get paid for and they know it. This class#6; I worked from 12-4pm and Concord will only be paying for 2 hours as promised. I thought was last class (class #6) until today lol after a meeting with Waheed (9/3)

09/02/2013 Mon. Labor Day --- I get Rudy calling out last minute cause he felt sick, when he knows I don't do flight check. But then getting dragged back in by Zack. But I can tell he did feel sick, and felt bad for being inadequate to put him at ease when he feels ill.

09/03/2013 Tues. --- While I stood waiting for Crystal to log out, Rudy came out to me telling how he's sorry but can't schedule work around my relationship; so I have to come in on Saturdays from now on until we hire and train someone who can be ready for that schedule (Tues-Sat).

When before Roni left, she and Waheed had a meeting with me about schedule changes. In short, in entails me getting Ruben's schedule and he gets the one they are trying to fill by making Rudy manager. And then Waheed told me no schedules changes for now. .... But now all this bullshit...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

We all got dealt with our current roles because Roni had to leave again, so none of us is properly trained for our current title in the company (Rudy and I). But trying to make it sound like it's about work and nothing personal, and no preferential treatment is just a complete pile of shit.

Farruhk was suppose to be the new comer that was to fill Rudy's old schedule, but because he has a part time job on the weekend, he can't. So we're working with and around him as well.

Ruben, I don't know why. Besides "Rudy, you're my boy right? " is how he approaches Rudy. Never worked a single holiday since we both came to the company. He slacks off whenever he can and work as slow as he can ---so his shift can be over and done with, while doing the minimal amount of work he is being paid for by hourly- regardless.
Yet.... I'm suppose to be dealt with the shitty end of the stick ....is what Rudy thought of last Friday; and now decided to do on a regular business day after Labor Day...which Ruben didn't volunteer and asked to be off again (though its one of our few paid holidays.)



I on the other hand.... has covered for multiple people, from different shifts and titles since I started (Ruben included.) And didn't miss a single holiday in our calendar year till the July 4th of this year.

Believe it or not, I hate having to travel by MTA on Sundays. Because it's the worse public transit day out of the week. All I'm asking is to be fair at least, like have us do alternate Saturdays --instead of just dumping it on me completely. Because I'm not your boy? Who's quick to throw you under the bus every chance he gets, just to cover his ass.
But I'm only your assistant manager at the job, which means I got your back as long as we're working????


What Rudy said to me today, it hurt. Because I like him as a person, and have respect for him as a dispatcher, esp. one that helped trained me as well. I thought better of him. I know schedule changes have been stressing him out since we got our new titles, but this just wasn't right. I've been trying to help him the best that I can since Roni left. I've even covered shifts when he couldn't get people to work it out with him, done majority of the dispatch training.

I feel kind of sick and tired of all the drama lately. I don't get paid enough for this shit. I'm thinking maybe let Ruben have my new title ...so he can really be like " Rudy...I'm your boy dude" lol ... let's see who got his back then... lol Snake ass mofo.