This year is trying to go out with a Bang ! lol
Matt started his new job... DISH ... I'm very happy that he's happy about it, with all the bells and whistles that DISH has to offer; which Concord never did offer him for the last 12 yrs. His family is also thrilled with this new job and all the discounts lol (mostly woman on his end)
I won my first scratch and win card today :)
I thought I won $2 twice, but it was a $2 and $5 price for one type of cards; then I won $20 off another card.
3 cards.... all win... out of 4 I scratched. I'm thrilled, I was excited, silly, and giddy at my store by the train.
I wasn't even sure how it was redeemed, had to ask Andy, and he even showed me a little trick on verifying from the card :D hahaha
Grand total: $27 !! winning !! :D
And just now... I realized Christian just had a baby boy. (Josh's little brother.)
I still recall the first time I met the kid lol Josh had me go with him to pick Christian up at school. We were in middle school at the time and Christian was still a baby in my eyes lol.
Not long ago he called me up when he turned 18 years old... and now a child... just WOW....
I'm stunned.
Just found out Josh moved to CT .....
Moises finished his Associate's degree. (I'm happy :) for him. )
Going to a gathering Betty decided to have last minute later tonight in the city, and then to Brooklyn to welcome 2014 with Matt and his family. :)
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Trust... it shouldn't get more complicated than that...
Myself of all people firmly agrees that in a relationship, no one was born ..just to... make you happy and love you how you want to be loved. Both parties have the right to fight or flight, but in this case... take it as it, one party willing to change and tries, or just leave and call it quits.
I'm thinking to myself ... maybe who and the kind of person I'd like to be with isn't who he is... (right now? .. then I feel like maybe I'm trying to change him and I feel awful. It's like I'm forcing him to become someone else.)
I feel like I'm making him miserable, then I feel even worse because I love him so much.
And those you love are the ones that hurts you the most...
That or our relationship is killing him?
-------------------------------------------------------------------
But from all the lies, misleading things he said to prolong his lies... does make me feel like I don't know who I've been with, is dating, and wanting a future with ( just makes me feel real stupid).
Everything I do, come across, even on a Facebook game.... is revolving around him.
It's like I'm living an illusion, that makes me question my reality all over again... more or less so.... and it drives me nuts.
I need stability.
Nothing feels permanent... unless it's something I'm in control of...
So I don't feel like my life is going crazy, and that I'm lost... like my childhood.
Trust... it shouldn't get more complicated than that...
I'm thinking to myself ... maybe who and the kind of person I'd like to be with isn't who he is... (right now? .. then I feel like maybe I'm trying to change him and I feel awful. It's like I'm forcing him to become someone else.)
I feel like I'm making him miserable, then I feel even worse because I love him so much.
And those you love are the ones that hurts you the most...
That or our relationship is killing him?
-------------------------------------------------------------------
But from all the lies, misleading things he said to prolong his lies... does make me feel like I don't know who I've been with, is dating, and wanting a future with ( just makes me feel real stupid).
Everything I do, come across, even on a Facebook game.... is revolving around him.
It's like I'm living an illusion, that makes me question my reality all over again... more or less so.... and it drives me nuts.
I need stability.
Nothing feels permanent... unless it's something I'm in control of...
So I don't feel like my life is going crazy, and that I'm lost... like my childhood.
Trust... it shouldn't get more complicated than that...
When I first met you...
12/29/2013
When I first met you...
I thought you were so friendly and nice; One of the nicest person in the office.
You're easy to open up to, since you're such a loveable guy. It felt very welcoming for me when I first came to Concord, besides chatting with Wendy.
You were always there to the rescue, I felt taken care of at work. If anything, I thought of you as one of the first friends I made in Concord, that was genuine.
I trusted you, had faith in you. since you always came through while we were at work.
You were silly, goofy, and a lot of fun to be around since you were always so care free. I thought it was adorable, and all kinds of cute, as always.
I thought you were a great guy.
Actually, at some point, I thought I had everything I could ever ask for with you. I might of been waiting for the other shoe to drop, but I felt like the luckiest girl in the world that found her Prince charming, it might of felt unreal like a dream, but I was living it... whenever we were together. I was happy, really happy.
----------
You're still the same goof ball I fell in-love with, just no longer reliable to me.
I just don't know if the person I fell for is real or I fell for a trick you played on me, since you lied so much.
I've been fighting the reality of what I might be dealing with in m head... and it's been driving me insane.
I still love you, very much. It just hurts. VERY MUCH.
I could be thinking about you and smiling like a retard spontaneously, or crying uncontrollably and feel like one of the blood vessels in my head is about to pop.
I don't know how to love you and myself at the same time. I don't know what's right or wrong anymore.
And some part of me keeps feeling like you cheated on me; esp. since you swore so badly saying you didn't. But all I can recall is how you swore so badly about your Dad was in the hospital for real and how you had paper works to prove itl and then destroying my birthday.
When I first met you...
I thought you were so friendly and nice; One of the nicest person in the office.
You're easy to open up to, since you're such a loveable guy. It felt very welcoming for me when I first came to Concord, besides chatting with Wendy.
You were always there to the rescue, I felt taken care of at work. If anything, I thought of you as one of the first friends I made in Concord, that was genuine.
I trusted you, had faith in you. since you always came through while we were at work.
You were silly, goofy, and a lot of fun to be around since you were always so care free. I thought it was adorable, and all kinds of cute, as always.
I thought you were a great guy.
Actually, at some point, I thought I had everything I could ever ask for with you. I might of been waiting for the other shoe to drop, but I felt like the luckiest girl in the world that found her Prince charming, it might of felt unreal like a dream, but I was living it... whenever we were together. I was happy, really happy.
----------
You're still the same goof ball I fell in-love with, just no longer reliable to me.
I just don't know if the person I fell for is real or I fell for a trick you played on me, since you lied so much.
I've been fighting the reality of what I might be dealing with in m head... and it's been driving me insane.
I still love you, very much. It just hurts. VERY MUCH.
I could be thinking about you and smiling like a retard spontaneously, or crying uncontrollably and feel like one of the blood vessels in my head is about to pop.
I don't know how to love you and myself at the same time. I don't know what's right or wrong anymore.
And some part of me keeps feeling like you cheated on me; esp. since you swore so badly saying you didn't. But all I can recall is how you swore so badly about your Dad was in the hospital for real and how you had paper works to prove itl and then destroying my birthday.
Friday, November 22, 2013
11/22/2013 --- Friday.
Woke up oddly... first at like 930am, went back to bed. I actual got up at 1:30pm. Mustaphai had called me, so I called him back; ended up having the longest phone conversation that I've never had with him before lol. An hour and a half. Then called Jiao (Summer) since I had a miss her call her too.
Next thing I know it was 3 something almost 4pm... Mom was leaving and Dad was going to drive her out. I got an offer I to be driven to pick up my Piperlime package, so I got dress asap and went. Daddy ended up taking a route that took longer than the train ride of 30mins for me to get there lol. But today was the last day for that package, thank god I went; esp. since I didn't even know ... they would of shipped back my new boots !!
Then we went to Flushing, I ate at the cheap noodle spot in the Golden Food Court Mall. Soon as I finish placing my order... She asked me how come my boyfriend didn't come with me, long time no see and etc. But she got quiet once I told her we broke up lol. Awkward.... hehehe
I realized my ID was in my wallet, then recalled how my phone just fell out of my hoodie pocket, and then recalled I placed my ID in it too.... and all was lost... lol I was scared, panicked a bit... since I searched my jacket soon as I got off the train. I was hoping I didn't lose it on the streets, called the Fedex store back just in case and they had it, thank god !! lol It's the only ID i got right now that hasn't expired yet hehehehe
Betty with texting me the whole time. :) Trying to give me some emotional support, even though she is stressed the hell out lol She did have some valid points, I just didn't see the realistic functions and the how to function aspects of what she was trying to tell me.
---------
I felt flustered and unease just messaging him on FB.
I still think I need a good cry lol which is just holding up in there. I need to talk to gather my thoughts, my emotions, and unleash the water tank that I keep feeling by my eyes. I know I haven't felt everything I need to feel yet. I'm avoiding the feeling shit.
Mom just asked me if I'm going downstairs to watch movies tonight...with him.
How harmless these questions are.... but hurt so goddamn much.
Next thing I know it was 3 something almost 4pm... Mom was leaving and Dad was going to drive her out. I got an offer I to be driven to pick up my Piperlime package, so I got dress asap and went. Daddy ended up taking a route that took longer than the train ride of 30mins for me to get there lol. But today was the last day for that package, thank god I went; esp. since I didn't even know ... they would of shipped back my new boots !!
Then we went to Flushing, I ate at the cheap noodle spot in the Golden Food Court Mall. Soon as I finish placing my order... She asked me how come my boyfriend didn't come with me, long time no see and etc. But she got quiet once I told her we broke up lol. Awkward.... hehehe
I realized my ID was in my wallet, then recalled how my phone just fell out of my hoodie pocket, and then recalled I placed my ID in it too.... and all was lost... lol I was scared, panicked a bit... since I searched my jacket soon as I got off the train. I was hoping I didn't lose it on the streets, called the Fedex store back just in case and they had it, thank god !! lol It's the only ID i got right now that hasn't expired yet hehehehe
Betty with texting me the whole time. :) Trying to give me some emotional support, even though she is stressed the hell out lol She did have some valid points, I just didn't see the realistic functions and the how to function aspects of what she was trying to tell me.
---------
I felt flustered and unease just messaging him on FB.
I still think I need a good cry lol which is just holding up in there. I need to talk to gather my thoughts, my emotions, and unleash the water tank that I keep feeling by my eyes. I know I haven't felt everything I need to feel yet. I'm avoiding the feeling shit.
Mom just asked me if I'm going downstairs to watch movies tonight...with him.
How harmless these questions are.... but hurt so goddamn much.
11/21/2013 --- Thurs. Content
I reached exhaustion about 10:30am... just typing away... but somehow I couldn't remain asleep for more than 2 hours. And I wasn't even tired. My eyes are a bit sore, even though I actually didn't cry all that much 0-o.... maybe it was adrenaline, that caused my blood pressure to rise... since my eyes were and still is a bit blood shot.
Mommy was gone all day... showing houses.... miracle... lol
Betty spoke with me briefly in the morning, and then told me to come out tonight.
Met Doris for the first time, and then it was Javier and Betty.... right away I knew Betty picked the restaurant because it was a diner... lol But i will never order a drink from that place ever again.... barely tasted any...liquor... fucking all ice and color dye :/
So apparently, Thursday nights = therapy corner for them.
It was interesting, thought it's a real healthy thing to do on a weekly basis. :)
*Heard Javier's ambitions.
*Betty's troubles.... and then Betty being drunk, after half a bottle of blue moon lol So cute lol Never seen her drunk before. She fell asleep on me, like 3 times lol And was acting funny when she was trying to drink her soup hehehe Her spoon missed her mouth lol.
She was stressed about work... and not being able to express herself at will, nor freely. And also the whole relationship thing...So it was a 4-5hr convo. last Sunday...apparently it was 8 hours... @_@"
I'm a little jealous that she has a guy that actually wants to try that badly, and is trying ...however twisted he's actually "trying" in his actions lol. Who the fuck flies over, internationally, almost 3 weeks later ,just for a proper break up??? @_@
I don't recall Doris's issues...She seemed a bit reserved for me.
None the less.... it was a night of sexual puns over 2 orders of creme filled milk shakes lol
Came home, took a look at one of my old online dating profiles.... and saw Jayme...
A man, whom I haven't spoken to in years, after he threw a bitch fit tantrum. We were friends for a good long time too when I was still in high school :/.
Now looking on my page lol... again.
Spoke to Kevin for a few messages, don't got the patience for this crap. lol
(So far, told my Mom, Betty, and Rachel. I thought about calling Randy and even Mustaphai... but I usually speak to Andrew about these things. I usually don't confide much to people, besides the ones I'm in a relationship with, my best friends... we no longer talk... and then Andrew, Randy, Betty. ... even Ben lol Sadly... felt kind of odd when Moises came into my head for a sec. )
I didn't say much to Betty, since she seem like she has her hands full. But she did kept on asking me if I was ok and how I was feeling.
------------------------
It's weird how I managed to not cry as much when I was home. But when I got on the train.... every other thought was triggering my tear ducts lol I felt more alone in a crowd waiting at Grand Central, than being in my bedroom all by myself.
Thank god I actually felt a little tired on the way back, managed to nap a little.
(The good thing about being unemployed, is now I have my regular routines back lol My daily vitamins, skin care routine after a shower for the face and body; almost forgot how relaxing it was. My Eczema is dwindling down, thank god ...lol was killing me. )
I don't know what kind of depression this one is going to be, but I have my fingers crossed on the non-eating kind lol ... the no appetite after a while and crazy GYM time. Happy to report, no suicidal thoughts kicked in yet. The only thing I felt was memory loss... and don't feel as up to par. The lack of motivation feeling :/
Oh well.... it'll kick in fully...eventually... lol
And it was weird that I posted a journal on my QQ page...and some guy forwarded to his page@_@" WTF ...
------------------------------------------------------------
Mommy was gone all day... showing houses.... miracle... lol
Betty spoke with me briefly in the morning, and then told me to come out tonight.
Met Doris for the first time, and then it was Javier and Betty.... right away I knew Betty picked the restaurant because it was a diner... lol But i will never order a drink from that place ever again.... barely tasted any...liquor... fucking all ice and color dye :/
So apparently, Thursday nights = therapy corner for them.
It was interesting, thought it's a real healthy thing to do on a weekly basis. :)
*Heard Javier's ambitions.
*Betty's troubles.... and then Betty being drunk, after half a bottle of blue moon lol So cute lol Never seen her drunk before. She fell asleep on me, like 3 times lol And was acting funny when she was trying to drink her soup hehehe Her spoon missed her mouth lol.
She was stressed about work... and not being able to express herself at will, nor freely. And also the whole relationship thing...So it was a 4-5hr convo. last Sunday...apparently it was 8 hours... @_@"
I'm a little jealous that she has a guy that actually wants to try that badly, and is trying ...however twisted he's actually "trying" in his actions lol. Who the fuck flies over, internationally, almost 3 weeks later ,just for a proper break up??? @_@
I don't recall Doris's issues...She seemed a bit reserved for me.
None the less.... it was a night of sexual puns over 2 orders of creme filled milk shakes lol
Came home, took a look at one of my old online dating profiles.... and saw Jayme...
A man, whom I haven't spoken to in years, after he threw a bitch fit tantrum. We were friends for a good long time too when I was still in high school :/.
Now looking on my page lol... again.
Spoke to Kevin for a few messages, don't got the patience for this crap. lol
(So far, told my Mom, Betty, and Rachel. I thought about calling Randy and even Mustaphai... but I usually speak to Andrew about these things. I usually don't confide much to people, besides the ones I'm in a relationship with, my best friends... we no longer talk... and then Andrew, Randy, Betty. ... even Ben lol Sadly... felt kind of odd when Moises came into my head for a sec. )
I didn't say much to Betty, since she seem like she has her hands full. But she did kept on asking me if I was ok and how I was feeling.
------------------------
It's weird how I managed to not cry as much when I was home. But when I got on the train.... every other thought was triggering my tear ducts lol I felt more alone in a crowd waiting at Grand Central, than being in my bedroom all by myself.
Thank god I actually felt a little tired on the way back, managed to nap a little.
(The good thing about being unemployed, is now I have my regular routines back lol My daily vitamins, skin care routine after a shower for the face and body; almost forgot how relaxing it was. My Eczema is dwindling down, thank god ...lol was killing me. )
I don't know what kind of depression this one is going to be, but I have my fingers crossed on the non-eating kind lol ... the no appetite after a while and crazy GYM time. Happy to report, no suicidal thoughts kicked in yet. The only thing I felt was memory loss... and don't feel as up to par. The lack of motivation feeling :/
Oh well.... it'll kick in fully...eventually... lol
And it was weird that I posted a journal on my QQ page...and some guy forwarded to his page
------------------------------------------------------------
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Commitment.
The wedding vow: " I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life."..... This is why commitment aren't for the faint of heart.... nor the weak willed... It's meant for the unyielding, who triumph through relentless pursuit, while enduring the hardships in life; knowing that they love each other, and that life without the other is no life at all. And why it's till death? Because life is hollow without the love of your life beside you.
Now what would you know about that?
You sanctimonious prick.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------11/22/2013 3:21 AM
You were astonished that I was still there, and holding on to "us", when you give me endless reasons to leave, and give up on this. I found out the marriage crap in June, for about 6 months... you told me you'll try, made me all sorts of promises, speeches of how it'll get better, you'll change. // Even though you were still lying to me, making me empty promises, hollow words.
I held on, as long as you told me you still loved me and wanted to make this work. I'm on the receiving end of all your non-sense, but you have the nerve to quit on me first?!? after all this bullshit. It was nothing but false pretenses. Concord taught you well.... you just kept on stalling...buying time...even though you weren't going to do shit to actually make this work.
Why waste my time if you didn't want this?
Why drag it out?
If it's not convenience of having a regular sex partner, someone who takes care of you all the time// I don't know what is, besides the word "convenience".
A million to one.... regardless of the odds.... I stuck by you. But you can't even find "a" reason to hold on to this? really?
You lazy, lying, coward. I don't know how you can call yourself a Man.
God forbid you had to do right by me, some "actual" - " efforts" ...... you might overexert yourself.
I've gone above and beyond for you, because I love you that much; but you were never going to do the same for me. You took the easy way out. So don't you dare tell me that it's because you don't want to hurt me anymore and how this is for me, and for the greater good. If you gave a shit about me, should of been honest with me from the beginning. You had so many god damn chances, esp. in the last 6 months. You sanctimonious prick.
The last time that a guy left in the manner you did.... he was already seeing someone behind my back. But you swore to me that you didn't cheat on me. It's all just semantics... he was just waiting to end it with me, so he can go ahead and make it official with the rebound chick, then say how he didn't cheat since he didn't start till we broke up.
There's a saying in Chinese, that a dead body isn't even cold yet... and their spouse was already preparing to jump into sack with the next person available.
I don't know what to believe, or how to believe since you do nothing but lie you ass off and leading me on under false pretenses.
For over a year... I've only had you on my mind, wherever I went. If I saw something, and thought you'd like it, want it, or need it... you know I bought it. And now this bullshit. You're just so fucking full of it.
我很生气,但是同时我感到很伤心,很难过.
I love you. But I have too much pride to chase after someone who clearly doesn't want to be with me.
I'll fight the world if I have to, but how can I fight for us; if you're the one fighting me.
This is such a joke.
Even my mom said this "别再爱他了，他的爰太假了，说放弃这么轻松。
(Don't love him any more, his love is too fake, say give up so easily.)"
To new beginnings (Ending blog @ 10:18am --11/21/2013 --NYC time)
"When someone walks out of your life, let them. You may miss them, but remember you weren't the one that gave up..."Perhaps its a self defense mechanism, or just not wanting to take the blame.... But any relationship takes two people; unless you were dating yourself in the mirror looking into your own reflections.
However, this was a really thought triggering thing to read .. lol
First person I told, my mom lol. And then asked her not to bring up or mention anything about money right now, please..
Then she asked the same thing I did lol... First it was : When did it happen?
Then: "他不能离？" --- He can't get a divorce?
followed by : "跟他的老板一个口气。" --- He has the same tone, just like his boss.
I felt my heart sunk, like the anchor of a ship. It just felt heavy... as it fell into a deeper pit. But the surface remains calm.
I felt pain, eventually... since the feeling has gotten dull.
It's been slowly but surely I guess.
But this is still the man I love. (guess he has a point when he said we felt like family members.)
My memories are fading again. So I know I've def. been depressed lol. Gotta get ready and start keeping a daily journal again, just so I can recognize time.
我心中有你. 你心中没有我.
我的...
白痴, 我爱你
You would think I'd cry a little less now since I've been crying all throughout this whole damn relationship.
It's like I'm mourning again.
But I know and so does my friends... if I can get over Juan, I can get over just about anyone lol.
Betty didn't seem too amused when I joked about calling Juan for distractions hehhehe
I miss Liza.. haven't seen a therapist in years.... lol
It was weird... that about 2 days ago or so... when I was organizing everything...
I opened my traveling kit bag... where I kept the 2 shot glasses that we've used the last couple of times at hotels. And one of them was broken, so I had to throw it away. Ironic. (guess I had a feeling and this was why.)
Its hard to find someone who understands you, but it's even hard to find someone with enough brain cells to analysis you as well. Needless to say, even tougher if that's a person you'll actually listen to lol. But these people are your life savers, that'll bring you safely to shore.
-------------------
I have a lot of thoughts running all over the place right now... feels like a bunch of deers running frantically, scared from being beamed from a car's headlights. It's like sensory overload, with too many data flying all over the place.
When I'm hurt, my defense mechanism (my brain) won't let me show it... it'll fight it.
My heart wants me to be honest, and say and try whatever I can think of to salvage it. Because I want it to work, that badly. I don't want to have regrets, esp. with someone whom I love so dearly. My heart, what I truly feel is what talks me into staying when I'm hurting, hurting so badly that feels like I'm being tortured to the the brink of existence. My heart, and all these feelings is what also makes me feel like a fool at the end of the day. My mind blames myself for giving it my all, for being genuine, and sincere with the person I love and hold most dear// Just so they can stab me in chest. But I also know that if I didn't love, then it wouldn't have hurt, so it sure as hell wouldn't have mattered to me at all.
I'm back to questioning the reality of this relationship again, because of all the lies.
Some part of me feels like he moved on more than me lol Other part just thinks he has more lies yet told, or he probably can't keep his promises again so he's ending it now and not dragging it out till end of Dec. as agreed, or he cheated on me/ that or has prospects ready lol ... just waiting to be single again.
I feel toyed with (hurt)... gonna quote the same thing again
This is his words...." i have let you down but i wont again, i will try for you any which way humanly possible, i should have never made you feel this way 3:09 AM" ""
"Trying" is too much to handle, to actually put in work cause it's not all sunshine and rainbows.
I get paper print outs, cut outs.... and trips to queens or half way to queens; that was the extend of his efforts for "humanly possible" lol :: scoffs ::..
My mind said don't make any more future plans with a liar... but my heart didn't want to picture it without him.
~Still haven't seen "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2" that was released Sept. 27th... almost 2 months ago
~He was suppose to go shopping with me again on Black Friday, which is Friday of next week.
~We had plans to actually not spend New Years at work again... but with each other and family hopping on his end.
~Owes me a decent Valentine's day
~A proper birthday celebration since he completely ruined it this year. (A vacation he said.... )
~All the hollow words, empty promises... that he said he was going to try and fulfill lol
Some part of me feels like I wasted my time with a immature child, who hasn't experienced a "serious" relationship... and I was his guinea pig. (This is why I don't like virgins.) ----My Jaded self... lol
Pictured thoughts of having families with many potential suitors, but never did think "oh, this is the one" or even might be the one... majority of the time, just thinking ....WTF am I gonna do, or how will life be...if I was "Stuck"...and with that guy...@_@"
---
I will admit this tho.... old habits die hard lol.
I do enjoy testing them, just to see if their love is true, and to see the depth of their affection.
(Then thought what Erick said to me " Passive aggressive... " )
Matt didn't seem too happy when I mentioned what Betty posted on FB, but then again... I didn't think he was even on FB much to even see it. lol How people have changed.
I just wish he had enough balls to admit that he's quitting on "us", instead of giving me the novelty lines of " I don't want to hurt you anymore, and you'll be happier without me." Blah blah... Esp. now after all the bullshit talks, the I will try, I'll be better speeches... // Like I said..."Blah blah".... ~_~" (annoyed)
Well.... back to the home improvement project hehehe
That soft and mushy side of life, will get you nothing but hurt. Got those thoughts too, but don't even wanna think about it right now. Fucking wanna snuff that dumb bitch lol Go play nice in your grave woman!! This is how you get your feelings hurt. 我爱上了一个没心，没肺的人。
Guess the daily 3 pages activity still works lol.... empty out my head...and onwards with the self soothing process lol.
I guess ... at least now I won't have to worry about him not looking the part at work for a break up lol.
However, this was a really thought triggering thing to read .. lol
First person I told, my mom lol. And then asked her not to bring up or mention anything about money right now, please..
Then she asked the same thing I did lol... First it was : When did it happen?
Then: "他不能离？" --- He can't get a divorce?
followed by : "跟他的老板一个口气。" --- He has the same tone, just like his boss.
I felt my heart sunk, like the anchor of a ship. It just felt heavy... as it fell into a deeper pit. But the surface remains calm.
I felt pain, eventually... since the feeling has gotten dull.
It's been slowly but surely I guess.
But this is still the man I love. (guess he has a point when he said we felt like family members.)
My memories are fading again. So I know I've def. been depressed lol. Gotta get ready and start keeping a daily journal again, just so I can recognize time.
我心中有你. 你心中没有我.
我的...
白痴, 我爱你
You would think I'd cry a little less now since I've been crying all throughout this whole damn relationship.
It's like I'm mourning again.
But I know and so does my friends... if I can get over Juan, I can get over just about anyone lol.
Betty didn't seem too amused when I joked about calling Juan for distractions hehhehe
I miss Liza.. haven't seen a therapist in years.... lol
It was weird... that about 2 days ago or so... when I was organizing everything...
I opened my traveling kit bag... where I kept the 2 shot glasses that we've used the last couple of times at hotels. And one of them was broken, so I had to throw it away. Ironic. (guess I had a feeling and this was why.)
Its hard to find someone who understands you, but it's even hard to find someone with enough brain cells to analysis you as well. Needless to say, even tougher if that's a person you'll actually listen to lol. But these people are your life savers, that'll bring you safely to shore.
-------------------
I have a lot of thoughts running all over the place right now... feels like a bunch of deers running frantically, scared from being beamed from a car's headlights. It's like sensory overload, with too many data flying all over the place.
When I'm hurt, my defense mechanism (my brain) won't let me show it... it'll fight it.
My heart wants me to be honest, and say and try whatever I can think of to salvage it. Because I want it to work, that badly. I don't want to have regrets, esp. with someone whom I love so dearly. My heart, what I truly feel is what talks me into staying when I'm hurting, hurting so badly that feels like I'm being tortured to the the brink of existence. My heart, and all these feelings is what also makes me feel like a fool at the end of the day. My mind blames myself for giving it my all, for being genuine, and sincere with the person I love and hold most dear// Just so they can stab me in chest. But I also know that if I didn't love, then it wouldn't have hurt, so it sure as hell wouldn't have mattered to me at all.
I'm back to questioning the reality of this relationship again, because of all the lies.
Some part of me feels like he moved on more than me lol Other part just thinks he has more lies yet told, or he probably can't keep his promises again so he's ending it now and not dragging it out till end of Dec. as agreed, or he cheated on me/ that or has prospects ready lol ... just waiting to be single again.
I feel toyed with (hurt)... gonna quote the same thing again
This is his words...." i have let you down but i wont again, i will try for you any which way humanly possible, i should have never made you feel this way 3:09 AM" ""
"Trying" is too much to handle, to actually put in work cause it's not all sunshine and rainbows.
I get paper print outs, cut outs.... and trips to queens or half way to queens; that was the extend of his efforts for "humanly possible" lol :: scoffs ::..
My mind said don't make any more future plans with a liar... but my heart didn't want to picture it without him.
~Still haven't seen "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2" that was released Sept. 27th... almost 2 months ago
~He was suppose to go shopping with me again on Black Friday, which is Friday of next week.
~We had plans to actually not spend New Years at work again... but with each other and family hopping on his end.
~Owes me a decent Valentine's day
~A proper birthday celebration since he completely ruined it this year. (A vacation he said.... )
~All the hollow words, empty promises... that he said he was going to try and fulfill lol
Some part of me feels like I wasted my time with a immature child, who hasn't experienced a "serious" relationship... and I was his guinea pig. (This is why I don't like virgins.) ----My Jaded self... lol
Pictured thoughts of having families with many potential suitors, but never did think "oh, this is the one" or even might be the one... majority of the time, just thinking ....WTF am I gonna do, or how will life be...if I was "Stuck"...and with that guy...@_@"
---
I will admit this tho.... old habits die hard lol.
I do enjoy testing them, just to see if their love is true, and to see the depth of their affection.
(Then thought what Erick said to me " Passive aggressive... " )
Matt didn't seem too happy when I mentioned what Betty posted on FB, but then again... I didn't think he was even on FB much to even see it. lol How people have changed.
I just wish he had enough balls to admit that he's quitting on "us", instead of giving me the novelty lines of " I don't want to hurt you anymore, and you'll be happier without me." Blah blah... Esp. now after all the bullshit talks, the I will try, I'll be better speeches... // Like I said..."Blah blah".... ~_~" (annoyed)
Well.... back to the home improvement project hehehe
That soft and mushy side of life, will get you nothing but hurt. Got those thoughts too, but don't even wanna think about it right now. Fucking wanna snuff that dumb bitch lol Go play nice in your grave woman!! This is how you get your feelings hurt. 我爱上了一个没心，没肺的人。
Guess the daily 3 pages activity still works lol.... empty out my head...and onwards with the self soothing process lol.
I guess ... at least now I won't have to worry about him not looking the part at work for a break up lol.
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
"Then I will not touch you, he said"
It was surprise to see a Facebook notification for which he has placed me under his family members. But it had no option for whatever this relationship between us was suppose to be; not to mention, I didn't know why the sudden request and placement on this site.
I didn't know what to feel after further looking into the matter... so I asked him.
It was so I could view the pictures we recently took, since he placed it under family members only.
Yet, I've never felt so out of place while in a relationship with someone I love.
So this deed inflicted pain that he will never know of, because he is a careless man.
None the less, I was going to put that behind me and move on.
Besides, I was starving and needed nourishment. He got up and got it for me upon request, opened it, and then ate first.
All I could think of was all the times... that I made sure he was properly set up to eat first, fed first, and or had preparations ready in case he was hungry again later on. Then it clicked... he has never.. done such a thing for me. I was starving, my stomach was rumbling, but I had lost my appetite. And it seems like I have lost many things recently...
Somehow, forcing himself upon me when I am angry.... is suppose to make things better.
And repeatedly voicing the same issue, since he doesn't seem to grasp it only worsens the matter.... He then pours oil and light a torch upon the matter....
"Then I will not touch you, he said"
Why be with me? Why be with me at all ?
Why be there, why be near me?
Why not leave? Why not go home to your solace, since I am no longer that for you?
Was it the train? Was it the lack of convenience for you?
Whatever it was... being with me wasn't and still will not be your solution.
You turned your back on me. And then blamed me.
Today, Selfishness is all you can think of for reasoning.
Perhaps this relationship has stayed passed it's welcome.
You just didn't want to admit it.
I didn't know what to feel after further looking into the matter... so I asked him.
It was so I could view the pictures we recently took, since he placed it under family members only.
Yet, I've never felt so out of place while in a relationship with someone I love.
So this deed inflicted pain that he will never know of, because he is a careless man.
None the less, I was going to put that behind me and move on.
Besides, I was starving and needed nourishment. He got up and got it for me upon request, opened it, and then ate first.
All I could think of was all the times... that I made sure he was properly set up to eat first, fed first, and or had preparations ready in case he was hungry again later on. Then it clicked... he has never.. done such a thing for me. I was starving, my stomach was rumbling, but I had lost my appetite. And it seems like I have lost many things recently...
Somehow, forcing himself upon me when I am angry.... is suppose to make things better.
And repeatedly voicing the same issue, since he doesn't seem to grasp it only worsens the matter.... He then pours oil and light a torch upon the matter....
"Then I will not touch you, he said"
Why be with me? Why be with me at all ?
Why be there, why be near me?
Why not leave? Why not go home to your solace, since I am no longer that for you?
Was it the train? Was it the lack of convenience for you?
Whatever it was... being with me wasn't and still will not be your solution.
You turned your back on me. And then blamed me.
Today, Selfishness is all you can think of for reasoning.
Perhaps this relationship has stayed passed it's welcome.
You just didn't want to admit it.
Monday, November 4, 2013
Kelly Clarkson- Already Gone
Feeling like the other person is always ready to take the easy way out. Or perhaps the easier way out....
Either way, god forbid they put in more effort, this would be too much for them....as it'd work out ...and I'd expect it to work... lol
I always know when I'm not placed first. He, himself, will first and foremost.... always be in front of me.
I have empathy towards that choice decision.
But in a relationship, when I've never placed him as second choice... just doesn't sit with me well.
For a man that's "supposedly" trying to make amends with me and all his broken promises....
you would think he'd take the opportunity to fulfill one of the first promises ever made to me, by laying off sex for a month. We're already 2 weeks in, from fighting and me having had a period. But he just couldn't pick the bigger picture over sex --- once again. lol
I'm dating a man who doesn't even know me, and it's been over a year.... I know what I fell in love with, but I don't he knows. It just doesn't feel like it's me anymore. Better yet, I don't think it was ever me, it was always how I made him felt comfortable about being himself, to be comfortable in his own skin while with another human being. It's always how he can love himself and care for himself a little more. I was never in that equation, it was always himself and his "me me me me ME".
Promised me a movie that we'd see in theaters for way over a month, minimum.... and as soon as I realize it's not playing in the theater we're had planned to see it in; all he can say is "I'll download it baby".
I asked for him to find it in another movie theater, I knew I was half assed because I looked and he didn't.
So he didn't have any answers for where else this movie is playing at a day later. And then blaming it on yahoo search engine, even there...I saw 2 theaters in NYC playing that move. Google offered a lot more theater options, but he never looked.
Effort.... lol This is his words...." "
If humanly possible was this limited, I think we'd still be trying to figure out how to make fire.
It's efforts like these...that makes me question why I'm in a relationship and not single. How do you go 2 strikes out of 3 in like 24 hours, not even...
I'm disappointed. I'm full of resentment, and I'm angry from all the pain that has been inflicted upon me.
Either way, god forbid they put in more effort, this would be too much for them....as it'd work out ...and I'd expect it to work... lol
I always know when I'm not placed first. He, himself, will first and foremost.... always be in front of me.
I have empathy towards that choice decision.
But in a relationship, when I've never placed him as second choice... just doesn't sit with me well.
For a man that's "supposedly" trying to make amends with me and all his broken promises....
you would think he'd take the opportunity to fulfill one of the first promises ever made to me, by laying off sex for a month. We're already 2 weeks in, from fighting and me having had a period. But he just couldn't pick the bigger picture over sex --- once again. lol
I'm dating a man who doesn't even know me, and it's been over a year.... I know what I fell in love with, but I don't he knows. It just doesn't feel like it's me anymore. Better yet, I don't think it was ever me, it was always how I made him felt comfortable about being himself, to be comfortable in his own skin while with another human being. It's always how he can love himself and care for himself a little more. I was never in that equation, it was always himself and his "me me me me ME".
Promised me a movie that we'd see in theaters for way over a month, minimum.... and as soon as I realize it's not playing in the theater we're had planned to see it in; all he can say is "I'll download it baby".
I asked for him to find it in another movie theater, I knew I was half assed because I looked and he didn't.
So he didn't have any answers for where else this movie is playing at a day later. And then blaming it on yahoo search engine, even there...I saw 2 theaters in NYC playing that move. Google offered a lot more theater options, but he never looked.
Effort.... lol This is his words...." "
If humanly possible was this limited, I think we'd still be trying to figure out how to make fire.
It's efforts like these...that makes me question why I'm in a relationship and not single. How do you go 2 strikes out of 3 in like 24 hours, not even...
I'm disappointed. I'm full of resentment, and I'm angry from all the pain that has been inflicted upon me.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Box Car Racer - "I Feel So"
I'm so angry right now, I don't even know where to begin.
I just know, if I act upon what I'm feeling right now... I'd break.
So ---as usual, I push it to the back burner and just functioned on logic.... purely logic... and then my defense mechanism kicks in.
I feel hurt. I'm hostile.
I just know, if I act upon what I'm feeling right now... I'd break.
So ---as usual, I push it to the back burner and just functioned on logic.... purely logic... and then my defense mechanism kicks in.
I feel hurt. I'm hostile.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
I will NOT be half-assed & be 2nd Option to anyone.
2010, his FB
"Following a phone conversation on the evening of Sunday Sept. 5th - I went & picked up the NYS Driver's Manual from the DMV on Tuesday Sept. 7th. Two days later I went back & got my Learner's Permit for my Driver's License on Thursday Sept. 9th. On Saturday Sept 11th I took the mandatory 5 hr Pre-Licensing Course & obtained my Completion Certificate. Now I've got my Road Test scheduled for Friday Oct.1st (:"
Finding that status post, made me felt kinda bad for the ultimatum at the time--- while not realizing what hardship I actually proposed. But he did it, because he "wanted it" bad enough. So I knew he would try his best when it came to me. I gave him a month to get his drivers license or to never bother me again. I didn't want to see him, hear from him, or even the thought of him at the time.
Even out of the bad times, I recall the good....collectively...of what I've had in my past.
They were real. They were kind. And I was sure they invested in me their heart in full, regardless how stupid their actions came to measure by the end of it all.
I had hopes.
I had dreams.
I saw pictures of many lives that will never come to be.
But I fought so hard to hold on to those lives I saw pictures of... illusions of... lies, broken promises, false hope of aspiration. I was being undervalued and I resent that.
"Following a phone conversation on the evening of Sunday Sept. 5th - I went & picked up the NYS Driver's Manual from the DMV on Tuesday Sept. 7th. Two days later I went back & got my Learner's Permit for my Driver's License on Thursday Sept. 9th. On Saturday Sept 11th I took the mandatory 5 hr Pre-Licensing Course & obtained my Completion Certificate. Now I've got my Road Test scheduled for Friday Oct.1st (:"
Finding that status post, made me felt kinda bad for the ultimatum at the time--- while not realizing what hardship I actually proposed. But he did it, because he "wanted it" bad enough. So I knew he would try his best when it came to me. I gave him a month to get his drivers license or to never bother me again. I didn't want to see him, hear from him, or even the thought of him at the time.
Even out of the bad times, I recall the good....collectively...of what I've had in my past.
They were real. They were kind. And I was sure they invested in me their heart in full, regardless how stupid their actions came to measure by the end of it all.
I had hopes.
I had dreams.
I saw pictures of many lives that will never come to be.
But I fought so hard to hold on to those lives I saw pictures of... illusions of... lies, broken promises, false hope of aspiration. I was being undervalued and I resent that.
Monday, October 28, 2013
Batteries
Sometimes I really wonder what I'm doing is right or wrong... Or maybe I'm just being really irresponsible.
One liar after another... except one stayed in character during majority of the time span, and the other just lacked skills. Dating have been very exhausting, and beyond taxing on myself mentally, and emotionally.
I'm become more and more jaded as life pass me by.
I still lack purpose... drive, and reason to stay motivated.
Each human being that has ever meant anything in my life, seem to work like a battery for me; some rechargeable, others one time use, some half ass used, or just bootleg trying to look like name brand. And the longer I keep those useless ones......it just looks horrible as time progresses.... like a chemical infestation from its core, just seeping out of that metal wrapping of pure advertisement bullshit.
"Which man would just volunteer that info."
I really thought the one that decides to spend the rest of his life with me, would tell me everything.
The one that pictures having a child with me to look like each other, would want to share his life with me; not just the good but the bad as well.
The one that tells me he loves me and doesn't want anyone else.... would ...
I've had a man that would use me to his advantage when his survival instincts kicks in, but at the same time would offer me his life if needed... or so he said ... lol But at least he made it believable for me. He tried, really hard.
Then I have this one, that unless it's sex and food... I don't really see much effort.
I'm better off by myself it seems.
One liar after another... except one stayed in character during majority of the time span, and the other just lacked skills. Dating have been very exhausting, and beyond taxing on myself mentally, and emotionally.
I'm become more and more jaded as life pass me by.
I still lack purpose... drive, and reason to stay motivated.
Each human being that has ever meant anything in my life, seem to work like a battery for me; some rechargeable, others one time use, some half ass used, or just bootleg trying to look like name brand. And the longer I keep those useless ones......it just looks horrible as time progresses.... like a chemical infestation from its core, just seeping out of that metal wrapping of pure advertisement bullshit.
"Which man would just volunteer that info."
I really thought the one that decides to spend the rest of his life with me, would tell me everything.
The one that pictures having a child with me to look like each other, would want to share his life with me; not just the good but the bad as well.
The one that tells me he loves me and doesn't want anyone else.... would ...
I've had a man that would use me to his advantage when his survival instincts kicks in, but at the same time would offer me his life if needed... or so he said ... lol But at least he made it believable for me. He tried, really hard.
Then I have this one, that unless it's sex and food... I don't really see much effort.
I'm better off by myself it seems.
Thursday, October 24, 2013
The Leap ....feeling of that distance when you first bungee jumps...& realizes the spacial gaps.....just you and the cord....in mid-air ..
I've been feeling sick this week, and a little from last week....my throat was swollen and it's back again. I haven't had decent sleep for at least a good month in change now. I either can't fall asleep, or I wake up early and then can't fall back asleep till I'm at the point of exhaustion. My eczema have been pretty active, and my immune system have definitely gone down the latter. And all of this stress for what ? $18 per hour? $15 per hour? People I work with? Not worth it.
Finally had that meeting with Alex today, since last Friday's little shabang.
I don't know if he's senile, got dementia ...or something...... But he forgets and then jumbles a lot of the things said to him during these meetings; and then next thing I know it becomes something else.
I can tell that as soon as I walked into his office, he wasn't very pleasant. His hair was a mess and seemed cold. The talk with 318 might of done the trick, or Waheed added some special effects in there for me prior to seeing the Boss. Whatever the case may be, I don't really care anymore.
It was a very long meeting about many aspects of his company and his staff. I did not want to speak to him and Waheed at the same time; that guy is a two faced, lying son of a bitch and I don't trust him nor give a shit about what he has to say. But I could also tell that I got him nervous, since he knows I'm not afraid, I'm honest, and got no filter on the truth on things I know about him and his bullshit. (Waheed wasn't in the meeting with us till the near end, so I heard he was wondering about back and forth from dispatch room to Alex's office lol don't know if it's because of nerves or tryings to eavesdrop.)
Today's topic: first thing he said to me... which was that I caused such a uproar, and how come everyone hates me now, etc lol He looked so displeased. It reminded me of the look on his face when he said Veronica won't be coming back to the company, he won't let her come back anymore.
* Farruhk & his profile being changed (He seemed surprised when I told him everything that was going on in relations to this boy. Said he will check his attendance and if anything duct his pay. Asked me how he was when he was in Business class, told him I didn't hear much problems --esp. not like the ones he's giving me on my end. So Alex decided to put Farruhk back to B-class. ) Alex also gave me some sort of explanation story about why Farruhk got a $3 raise and no extra work, when they dumped all sorts of work on me lol for the same $3 value for a raise.
* Robin (She will be getting a first class ticket out of here, as soon as we get someone good enough for replacement; or till season dies down. ) She is our biggest pain in the ass out of all the operators, and for $14 an hour...that's just some bullshit.
* Rudy (Boss asked me why didn't Rudy manage more, and how come I ended up doing everything and didn't let him do it? & proceeded to tell me "he's the manager, let him do it" )
*Zack
---- Waheed sat in during these parts of convo. :
* Edwin (Asked me how he was doing and what I thought of the new guy. he types slow.... real slow.)
* Joey (All of a sudden...Waheed chimes in "he's a good guy" and Alex telling me the world isn't perfect lol. Whatever.... )
* Dinara (The issue that no one has the balls to bring up to the Boss. So I did, since I don't fear for my job right now. He gave me some story too, and Waheed had to chime in again about how Zack talks to her and etc ---BULLSHIT ! if anyone did talked to her, and corrected the issue----> then why the hell is she still like this?!?! explain that to me why don't you !! ) Alex also gave some background story of what he was willing to share etc then he said a Russian saying " a fly thinks he is a plane"
Today was the first time that I think I saw the Boss annoyed, tho he does try to come off as disconnected as possible. It was around the time when I said that I just want a clear list of my duties and etc // And when I was interrupting him... lol
-------------------------------------------------------
Went on break after the meeting, came back and have a private talk with Wendy too. Marion was comforting me as well, which I really did appreciate. Then Alex called for me around 8pm... basically proposing....$18/hr and for me to stay as a Dispatcher, since my drivers love me. He was surprised that I didn't just accept his offer, and wanted to sleep on it and continue the talk tomorrow.
----Spoke to Murray around 4pm and Waheed was trying to paw some other bullshit on him, about giving Roman to him for assistance or job endangered?? lol Murray was like no, I don't want him, fire me now then ...and basically said he will just go to one of the many other company options he has to pick from.
----Spoke to Janet from Sullivan and Cromwell.... she gave me some background info. too lol.
----Spoke to Kevin, he looked happy to see me and asked when they were going to give me for his shift lol And that I had him scared when he didn't see me last night when he came in for his shift; he thought I had quit the job already.
Jeff made it very clear to me that they need me at my shift.
I just feel so disheartened from my shift, and majority of the people on it....(off the top of my head, Wendy, Marion, Tanya and Cynthia are the ones I'd wanna say a proper goodbye to. )
Finally had that meeting with Alex today, since last Friday's little shabang.
I don't know if he's senile, got dementia ...or something...... But he forgets and then jumbles a lot of the things said to him during these meetings; and then next thing I know it becomes something else.
I can tell that as soon as I walked into his office, he wasn't very pleasant. His hair was a mess and seemed cold. The talk with 318 might of done the trick, or Waheed added some special effects in there for me prior to seeing the Boss. Whatever the case may be, I don't really care anymore.
It was a very long meeting about many aspects of his company and his staff. I did not want to speak to him and Waheed at the same time; that guy is a two faced, lying son of a bitch and I don't trust him nor give a shit about what he has to say. But I could also tell that I got him nervous, since he knows I'm not afraid, I'm honest, and got no filter on the truth on things I know about him and his bullshit. (Waheed wasn't in the meeting with us till the near end, so I heard he was wondering about back and forth from dispatch room to Alex's office lol don't know if it's because of nerves or tryings to eavesdrop.)
Today's topic: first thing he said to me... which was that I caused such a uproar, and how come everyone hates me now, etc lol He looked so displeased. It reminded me of the look on his face when he said Veronica won't be coming back to the company, he won't let her come back anymore.
* Farruhk & his profile being changed (He seemed surprised when I told him everything that was going on in relations to this boy. Said he will check his attendance and if anything duct his pay. Asked me how he was when he was in Business class, told him I didn't hear much problems --esp. not like the ones he's giving me on my end. So Alex decided to put Farruhk back to B-class. ) Alex also gave me some sort of explanation story about why Farruhk got a $3 raise and no extra work, when they dumped all sorts of work on me lol for the same $3 value for a raise.
* Robin (She will be getting a first class ticket out of here, as soon as we get someone good enough for replacement; or till season dies down. ) She is our biggest pain in the ass out of all the operators, and for $14 an hour...that's just some bullshit.
* Rudy (Boss asked me why didn't Rudy manage more, and how come I ended up doing everything and didn't let him do it? & proceeded to tell me "he's the manager, let him do it" )
*Zack
---- Waheed sat in during these parts of convo. :
* Edwin (Asked me how he was doing and what I thought of the new guy. he types slow.... real slow.)
* Joey (All of a sudden...Waheed chimes in "he's a good guy" and Alex telling me the world isn't perfect lol. Whatever.... )
* Dinara (The issue that no one has the balls to bring up to the Boss. So I did, since I don't fear for my job right now. He gave me some story too, and Waheed had to chime in again about how Zack talks to her and etc ---BULLSHIT ! if anyone did talked to her, and corrected the issue----> then why the hell is she still like this?!?! explain that to me why don't you !! ) Alex also gave some background story of what he was willing to share etc then he said a Russian saying " a fly thinks he is a plane"
Today was the first time that I think I saw the Boss annoyed, tho he does try to come off as disconnected as possible. It was around the time when I said that I just want a clear list of my duties and etc // And when I was interrupting him... lol
-------------------------------------------------------
Went on break after the meeting, came back and have a private talk with Wendy too. Marion was comforting me as well, which I really did appreciate. Then Alex called for me around 8pm... basically proposing....$18/hr and for me to stay as a Dispatcher, since my drivers love me. He was surprised that I didn't just accept his offer, and wanted to sleep on it and continue the talk tomorrow.
----Spoke to Murray around 4pm and Waheed was trying to paw some other bullshit on him, about giving Roman to him for assistance or job endangered?? lol Murray was like no, I don't want him, fire me now then ...and basically said he will just go to one of the many other company options he has to pick from.
----Spoke to Janet from Sullivan and Cromwell.... she gave me some background info. too lol.
----Spoke to Kevin, he looked happy to see me and asked when they were going to give me for his shift lol And that I had him scared when he didn't see me last night when he came in for his shift; he thought I had quit the job already.
Jeff made it very clear to me that they need me at my shift.
I just feel so disheartened from my shift, and majority of the people on it....(off the top of my head, Wendy, Marion, Tanya and Cynthia are the ones I'd wanna say a proper goodbye to. )
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
879's Wedding 10/22/2013 Tuesday
Went to 879's wedding last night with Matt. We saw 318 and 338 soon as we got there, and they looked very surprised to see us there. It seems like 879 only had 2 tables for drivers, each table 10 people each. It was a very noisy wedding.... since the venue was shared with another couple having their wedding too at the same time. These two couples only had a wooden foldable stand dividing the space, which made them blast the sound system to compete with each other ~_~" which was very annoying and it hurt my ears.
The service at this restaurant was awful... they were rushing us, not to mention a dish wasn't finished but they would come by and it would be time to move on @_@" like WTF?! I'm still eating here damnit!! This was the quickest wedding I've ever been to, it was done in like 2-3 hours.
So who was on our table? HHmmm.....318, 338, 301, 710 (sat next to Matt) , and 858 sat next to me. Then there was 2 woman we don't know who it was, but presume it was friend of the family for Bride or Groom. The other driver's table, I only recognized 136, and I was told and 547.
858 kept on telling me how we're stripped in the city, 17 jobs in zone 1; man was I glad that I took the day off lol. Matt checked his zone 26 too, he has 5 cars and no job hanging. 858 wanted to move up, so asked a few questions about Business class requirements.
Our drivers kept on busting our chops about when we're getting married, it was cute. We took a picture with 879 and his bride when we first arrived. I tried taking some pictures when they were announcing the couple to make an entrance to the stage, but the pictures came out blurred :/ or someone was in my way ~_~"
There was a good amount of dishes being presented at each dinner table, but the order of it was just bad line up. Lobster salad was first and then all the fruits they just took away from us ~_~", this plate should of been last damnit!!
People mostly drank soda and beer ( heineken. ) And I learned my baby loves Quail ! lol
Last night we each put in $100, since it's our first Fujianese wedding in New York, and my Dad said it was fine since we weren't that close with the couple being wed.
The service at this restaurant was awful... they were rushing us, not to mention a dish wasn't finished but they would come by and it would be time to move on @_@" like WTF?! I'm still eating here damnit!! This was the quickest wedding I've ever been to, it was done in like 2-3 hours.
So who was on our table? HHmmm.....318, 338, 301, 710 (sat next to Matt) , and 858 sat next to me. Then there was 2 woman we don't know who it was, but presume it was friend of the family for Bride or Groom. The other driver's table, I only recognized 136, and I was told and 547.
858 kept on telling me how we're stripped in the city, 17 jobs in zone 1; man was I glad that I took the day off lol. Matt checked his zone 26 too, he has 5 cars and no job hanging. 858 wanted to move up, so asked a few questions about Business class requirements.
Our drivers kept on busting our chops about when we're getting married, it was cute. We took a picture with 879 and his bride when we first arrived. I tried taking some pictures when they were announcing the couple to make an entrance to the stage, but the pictures came out blurred :/ or someone was in my way ~_~"
There was a good amount of dishes being presented at each dinner table, but the order of it was just bad line up. Lobster salad was first and then all the fruits they just took away from us ~_~", this plate should of been last damnit!!
People mostly drank soda and beer ( heineken. ) And I learned my baby loves Quail ! lol
Last night we each put in $100, since it's our first Fujianese wedding in New York, and my Dad said it was fine since we weren't that close with the couple being wed.
Monday, October 21, 2013
Concord's Internal Incompetence
Today just wasn't my day.... I went to the train station and got on the train at 2pm... then the stupid thing wasn't moving for like 10mins .... So I decided to leave and take a cab... and then the train moves....
The cab cost me 33.25 after tip to Brooklyn.
Wanted Snapple, the glass bottle....ordered food and the Snapple....but got the new plastic bottle ~_~"
It's just the little things that's annoying me left and right.
Spoke w/Mom during lunch break... told her if I quit, I'll def. be home for Chinese New Year's this year.
There's just so much nonsense in this company.
Got my raise on 9/11 --- after a long meeting w/Alex and Waheed.
Alex told me Farruhk got his $3 raise when we had a meeting 9/30 ... just so this boy will come in on weekend and still do the same 40hours per week.
I, on the other hand.... got all sorts of responsibilities ... for the same amount... which to me is ridiculous and WTF ?!!?
Below was the e-mail content of duties I mentioned to Waheed, since they decided to duct my pay and do a demotion.
But """""Rudy definitely did not have all the same duties I was given when he was just an Assistant Manager.
~E-mails from the Manager's desk
~Schedules (An excel file has been sent to Wendy since you said she is in charge of it now. )
~POD Manager for package jobs
~I've trained every newly employed dispatcher that came in after myself. (Farrukh, Marcus, Marion, attempted Melynda and now Edwin as well. )
~Rudy is off on Mondays and has a week vacation starting from Christmas// please have someone step in to manage the shift; esp. tomorrow 10/21 Monday
I was told " we'll come up with something" but I don't want people coming to me for what I'm not being compensated for.
~The customer service roles with all Chinese drivers; we have Lawrence now --- please have him take part, since during our membership meeting: drivers were told to e-mail/call me directly.
Right now they all wait till my shift to call me, so I hear their troubles from weekends, overnights and mornings. ( besides my own shift.)
~Since Ali left, all the MTA drivers came back to me again, so I'm doing their daily 388 account job line up; like Roman does with MTA & HHHC.
(& I was told Ali won't be returning to us, so I have to deal with Roman and his needs; which some aren't even my duties, it's his. )
~Roman needs document translation for his new pricing position/ & to "redispatch" jobs which he assigned/ and to speak to drivers that he thinks don't speak english when they do if he just tried.
But not just him tho, anyone hears an Asian accent or remotely thinks they're Chinese I'd get the calls transferred even if they know how to speak English.(ex: 514 he is korean)
~Making excel files when certain account needs it for billing or any kind of processing, really isn't my job now-- is it? I think it's a secretary's job, don't we have Katya for that?
~The data analysis of our company's production reports... I've made templates for every shift, so it can be easier to read and for them to fill out. // Even started doing reports for Zack, since I lacked data for almost 2 months. I have reports from 9/11 till now, which will be sent to Alex in excel format.
~You asked about operator's smoke breaks, how long and how many they take usually; I made a sheet after that and started having them sign in/out --- which Rudy has the sheet now since Friday.
~Lastly, as per Irina> Tanya from downstairs still need someone to do the 1155 & 1154 account uploads at 9:40pm Monday - Friday; since Audrey said I could stop. """"""
The cab cost me 33.25 after tip to Brooklyn.
Wanted Snapple, the glass bottle....ordered food and the Snapple....but got the new plastic bottle ~_~"
It's just the little things that's annoying me left and right.
Spoke w/Mom during lunch break... told her if I quit, I'll def. be home for Chinese New Year's this year.
There's just so much nonsense in this company.
Got my raise on 9/11 --- after a long meeting w/Alex and Waheed.
Alex told me Farruhk got his $3 raise when we had a meeting 9/30 ... just so this boy will come in on weekend and still do the same 40hours per week.
I, on the other hand.... got all sorts of responsibilities ... for the same amount... which to me is ridiculous and WTF ?!!?
Below was the e-mail content of duties I mentioned to Waheed, since they decided to duct my pay and do a demotion.
But """""Rudy definitely did not have all the same duties I was given when he was just an Assistant Manager.
~E-mails from the Manager's desk
~Schedules (An excel file has been sent to Wendy since you said she is in charge of it now. )
~POD Manager for package jobs
~I've trained every newly employed dispatcher that came in after myself. (Farrukh, Marcus, Marion, attempted Melynda and now Edwin as well. )
~Rudy is off on Mondays and has a week vacation starting from Christmas// please have someone step in to manage the shift; esp. tomorrow 10/21 Monday
I was told " we'll come up with something" but I don't want people coming to me for what I'm not being compensated for.
~The customer service roles with all Chinese drivers; we have Lawrence now --- please have him take part, since during our membership meeting: drivers were told to e-mail/call me directly.
Right now they all wait till my shift to call me, so I hear their troubles from weekends, overnights and mornings. ( besides my own shift.)
~Since Ali left, all the MTA drivers came back to me again, so I'm doing their daily 388 account job line up; like Roman does with MTA & HHHC.
(& I was told Ali won't be returning to us, so I have to deal with Roman and his needs; which some aren't even my duties, it's his. )
~Roman needs document translation for his new pricing position/ & to "redispatch" jobs which he assigned/ and to speak to drivers that he thinks don't speak english when they do if he just tried.
But not just him tho, anyone hears an Asian accent or remotely thinks they're Chinese I'd get the calls transferred even if they know how to speak English.(ex: 514 he is korean)
~Making excel files when certain account needs it for billing or any kind of processing, really isn't my job now-- is it? I think it's a secretary's job, don't we have Katya for that?
~The data analysis of our company's production reports... I've made templates for every shift, so it can be easier to read and for them to fill out. // Even started doing reports for Zack, since I lacked data for almost 2 months. I have reports from 9/11 till now, which will be sent to Alex in excel format.
~You asked about operator's smoke breaks, how long and how many they take usually; I made a sheet after that and started having them sign in/out --- which Rudy has the sheet now since Friday.
~Lastly, as per Irina> Tanya from downstairs still need someone to do the 1155 & 1154 account uploads at 9:40pm Monday - Friday; since Audrey said I could stop. """"""
Monday, September 23, 2013
Feelings in the back burner....
it burns nothing but pain; of which I don't care to deal with, so it can't electrify my senses plugged into a socket.
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Stress & Distress....
It's been nothing but stress at work lately, for over a month now, and the only good thing was finally getting my raise and seeing it on my direct deposit statement yesterday.
Writing 4 people up in 3 days.
Then finding out they had to send out a fleet message because I was off work and a lot of people were calling in for me lol.
People giving me a hard time, but then I resolved it.... lol It's like fixing a problem, once you really figure out what the issue is... otherwise, we're just butting heads...
"It's like I'm trying to preserve something that's already gone"
Ted, from How I Met Your Mother.
I'm back to the ground page where it feels like sex is the only thing he would really "strive" and put in effort for. Perhaps it's due to the instant gratification, besides sex feels good lol. But if sex was all I need a guy to put in effort for ...then a sex buddy would of been a better option and I'd pick one great in most things....... :/
This is not what I'd sign up for, for a boyfriend.... for me.
He slept, I watched him sleep, snored, and gave him my covers so he wouldn't be cold; but then I ended up with the sniffles. When the time comes, he's always eager to leave like an employer stopped paying for hourly wage passed his shift.// Which for me is like WTF ?!?
*After a sleepless night for me, and me wanting to sleep.... he steps on me, and only saying blayt, instead of asking if I'm ok...
*Here I am trying to sleep still.... he asks if I have a hairbrush ... and then catches an attitude when I throw the blanket over my head and told him to figure it out...
So I got up, go dressed, packed everything, and went upstairs.... and for once I didn't wait for him. I felt bad but at the same time, I don't think he cares. Because our time is up? cause it's 10am and he has to go. Or 5am like the last time. I don't know what this is anymore. Last time was even more awkward....Had sex and then because it's 5AM, him telling me he gotta go... wtf ...am i ?? your fucking booty call now??
I don't know what we have anymore, feels like I just invested emotions into a sex buddy relationship...
And next month is our one year anniversary...
This is so tiring right now.... and when I get upset, and only seems like --"I " get upset....
it's like I'm the only one rocking the boat, making trouble for him and for whatever this supposedly is??
-----------Rachel just came back yesterday... saying she is ready for more Chinese lol
So now here's my schedule.....Mon-Fri... with now alternating Saturdays...Sunday ESL w/Drivers and now w/Rachel as well .. (I'm still suppose to have 2 days off within a 7 day week.)
I don't know how Ruben escaped the alternating schedule completely, but he's def. back up when we can't. And it was just like wtf...when I heard Rudy say....on Ruben, he can't Sat. is the day for him and his girl...
I don't know what happened to , "We can't schedule work around your relationship" line...he gave me few weeks back...and now this bullshit. I'm very fed up, in a multi-faceted manner.
I'm tempted to take the Sun & Monday off shift...I just don't like having to be at Concord at 11am, because I'd have to be up around 8am @_@....which screws up my sleeping pattern throughout the week. I'm leaning towards taking off days with actual dress codes....// and now in the rocky state of w/e this relationship is right now... wouldn't mind days where we'd see each other less if this ends.
Writing 4 people up in 3 days.
Then finding out they had to send out a fleet message because I was off work and a lot of people were calling in for me lol.
People giving me a hard time, but then I resolved it.... lol It's like fixing a problem, once you really figure out what the issue is... otherwise, we're just butting heads...
"It's like I'm trying to preserve something that's already gone"
Ted, from How I Met Your Mother.
I'm back to the ground page where it feels like sex is the only thing he would really "strive" and put in effort for. Perhaps it's due to the instant gratification, besides sex feels good lol. But if sex was all I need a guy to put in effort for ...then a sex buddy would of been a better option and I'd pick one great in most things....... :/
This is not what I'd sign up for, for a boyfriend.... for me.
He slept, I watched him sleep, snored, and gave him my covers so he wouldn't be cold; but then I ended up with the sniffles. When the time comes, he's always eager to leave like an employer stopped paying for hourly wage passed his shift.// Which for me is like WTF ?!?
*After a sleepless night for me, and me wanting to sleep.... he steps on me, and only saying blayt, instead of asking if I'm ok...
*Here I am trying to sleep still.... he asks if I have a hairbrush ... and then catches an attitude when I throw the blanket over my head and told him to figure it out...
So I got up, go dressed, packed everything, and went upstairs.... and for once I didn't wait for him. I felt bad but at the same time, I don't think he cares. Because our time is up? cause it's 10am and he has to go. Or 5am like the last time. I don't know what this is anymore. Last time was even more awkward....Had sex and then because it's 5AM, him telling me he gotta go... wtf ...am i ?? your fucking booty call now??
I don't know what we have anymore, feels like I just invested emotions into a sex buddy relationship...
And next month is our one year anniversary...
This is so tiring right now.... and when I get upset, and only seems like --"I " get upset....
it's like I'm the only one rocking the boat, making trouble for him and for whatever this supposedly is??
-----------Rachel just came back yesterday... saying she is ready for more Chinese lol
So now here's my schedule.....Mon-Fri... with now alternating Saturdays...Sunday ESL w/Drivers and now w/Rachel as well .. (I'm still suppose to have 2 days off within a 7 day week.)
I don't know how Ruben escaped the alternating schedule completely, but he's def. back up when we can't. And it was just like wtf...when I heard Rudy say....on Ruben, he can't Sat. is the day for him and his girl...
I don't know what happened to , "We can't schedule work around your relationship" line...he gave me few weeks back...and now this bullshit. I'm very fed up, in a multi-faceted manner.
I'm tempted to take the Sun & Monday off shift...I just don't like having to be at Concord at 11am, because I'd have to be up around 8am @_@....which screws up my sleeping pattern throughout the week. I'm leaning towards taking off days with actual dress codes....// and now in the rocky state of w/e this relationship is right now... wouldn't mind days where we'd see each other less if this ends.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Wendy's Birthday Surprise! & 50 Car Party 6302
I've been planning a birthday surprise since the beginning of the month. Wendy, who plans birthdays for all of us in the office and puts in extra money when she don't get enough from everyone at the job. It's about time we celebrated her's or at least to thank her. I ended up collecting over a hundred for this woman, and been shopping for today's big surprise since last weekend.
She got balloons from Tonya, got a bouquet of pink roses, I ended up buying 2 cakes(Italian Rum/ and a 14 cheesecake sampler) , since it was going to be 15 people today. 3 bottles of sodas ( one diet ginger ale so she can drink too) , and some of her favorite snacks. (Pop corn, potato chips, and cheese puffs ). We topped it off with a birthday, which I made sure everyone who chipped in, signed it. Last but not least, because I was being savvy with the spending budget, had $50 to give her as well.
Today's birthday surprise was accomplished with great success ! She never saw it coming :D
--------------
Work wise..... 50 car party in the city, with party rates.... took 3 drivers from party, who are also from my weekend ESL class, to cover zone 54's big VIPs ...
Today felt great! I'm exhausted, since I got up super early to do everything and barely caught any sleep since I was still thinking how to deal with everything I need to do.... but it was worth it. :) She was happy. I was afraid that she would be angry, since she didn't want to celebrate her birthday and was very insisting on it.
Sad part of today, one of my nice drivers 544 called and said this was his last week. He found a full time office job and friday he will be in the office to finish paper works etc etc for leaving. So maybe I'll get to meet him before he leaves like Femi (but never got to see him) He left me his contact said to K.I.T., so sweet of him. I was so bummed out though.
One other downside to today... I forgot today was voting day....didn't realize it till I was shopping in Flushing for Wendy's birthday surprise; wanted to vote for John Liu for Mayor... just saw his campaign in the mail too.
She got balloons from Tonya, got a bouquet of pink roses, I ended up buying 2 cakes(Italian Rum/ and a 14 cheesecake sampler) , since it was going to be 15 people today. 3 bottles of sodas ( one diet ginger ale so she can drink too) , and some of her favorite snacks. (Pop corn, potato chips, and cheese puffs ). We topped it off with a birthday, which I made sure everyone who chipped in, signed it. Last but not least, because I was being savvy with the spending budget, had $50 to give her as well.
Today's birthday surprise was accomplished with great success ! She never saw it coming :D
--------------
Work wise..... 50 car party in the city, with party rates.... took 3 drivers from party, who are also from my weekend ESL class, to cover zone 54's big VIPs ...
Today felt great! I'm exhausted, since I got up super early to do everything and barely caught any sleep since I was still thinking how to deal with everything I need to do.... but it was worth it. :) She was happy. I was afraid that she would be angry, since she didn't want to celebrate her birthday and was very insisting on it.
Sad part of today, one of my nice drivers 544 called and said this was his last week. He found a full time office job and friday he will be in the office to finish paper works etc etc for leaving. So maybe I'll get to meet him before he leaves like Femi (but never got to see him) He left me his contact said to K.I.T., so sweet of him. I was so bummed out though.
One other downside to today... I forgot today was voting day....didn't realize it till I was shopping in Flushing for Wendy's birthday surprise; wanted to vote for John Liu for Mayor... just saw his campaign in the mail too.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Manager for a Day
So Rudy called out today 9/9/2013... Monday....and automatically I'm the one in charge of the 3-11pm shift =_="" ..... man... was I not thrilled about this lol And then everything else just piled on, one after the next... I was just annoyed and not feeling it...
We all thought Rudy was going to be out Tues. and then a text message about him being out today, which only Ruben received ....=_="" aarruughh....I don't get group texts... this is the 2nd time he tried group texting, when he knew 1st failed !! .... But whatever...
First, I get Farruhk telling me no he won't move from his seat to where Rudy usually sits. Then Ruben had to tell him to move a few times, I told him more than 5 times, Matt had to tell him and then ended up yelling at him for being uncooperative while I'm in charge. Then Audrey had to come by ask what's going on and then tell him to move too..... It blew up...after Farruhk went to Garviel and Waheed.... and all this bullshit over nothing, because he felt like behaving like a child; and then went to complain about it when he got treated as such.
2 events going on .... zone 7 for new account and then zone 54 with barclays ...and the parking lot, can't find utog dispatcher drama....and Barclays Manager calling.....big loops of nothing and lack of communication all around .... :: deep sighs ::....so annoying =_=""
We were stripped in the city before I even got a chance to sit down today. I had to worry about the live calls with no @ signs, showing passengers knew of the delays. And then worry about reservations to come, that will also be delayed. At the same time....missing 2 operators, not to mention my own Manager. It was just chaos....
All of this...and then Alex the boss calls me to his office....to finally get a chance to talk..... when it was the worst time to have a talk and drag me from my seat. Luckily, Garviel came in and got me out of there, since I didn't know when or how to interrupt the Boss's conversation with another person when I came in.
And before Waheed leaves....he tells me we have a 50 car party tomorrow. Which I have to put out the info. today...so we can be prepared tomorrow. =_=""
I was so glad when Alex said he called Zack to come back....it was around 5pm and he said in 20 minutes or so Zack would be back int he office. Barclays was mostly thanks to him and his efforts tonight. I was being spread so thin without any proper training for this role they just dropped on me. :: deep...deeeppp EXHALES !!::....
All of this.... while trying to put together Wendy's birthday surprise as well... and everything needed for coordination .... It was just crazy, hectic, and insane..... for lack of better words.
Thank god Zack was there, so I had a chance to go eat as well.... since I didn't even get a chance to order any food when I came in today, it was too crazy. (And I'm still only being compensated as a Dispatcher only, none for any of the roles they just dropped on me, esp. without proper training as well. ) I left the job and I forgot my own jacket =_="" .... sheeshh....and it's been nippy lately too :/
I miss having a seasoned Manager..... I missed Iskander, I miss Roni..... :: sighs ::....
Surprising Highlight of today: One of my Chinese Drivers, heard the exhaustion and dismay in my voice... asked me what was wrong, told her it was crazy today; next thing I know she told me that if I was to ever leave the company, she volunteers to go with me. But just to make sure it's a good company and she will come with :) and she said it all happy and cheerful. I was so surprised and kind of moved, and semi cheered up, to feel like I have a shoulder to cry on too and not just hear them complain all the time lol. It felt like I made a friend today, and it was real and not just on the level of using each other for work.
We all thought Rudy was going to be out Tues. and then a text message about him being out today, which only Ruben received ....=_="" aarruughh....I don't get group texts... this is the 2nd time he tried group texting, when he knew 1st failed !! .... But whatever...
First, I get Farruhk telling me no he won't move from his seat to where Rudy usually sits. Then Ruben had to tell him to move a few times, I told him more than 5 times, Matt had to tell him and then ended up yelling at him for being uncooperative while I'm in charge. Then Audrey had to come by ask what's going on and then tell him to move too..... It blew up...after Farruhk went to Garviel and Waheed.... and all this bullshit over nothing, because he felt like behaving like a child; and then went to complain about it when he got treated as such.
2 events going on .... zone 7 for new account and then zone 54 with barclays ...and the parking lot, can't find utog dispatcher drama....and Barclays Manager calling.....big loops of nothing and lack of communication all around .... :: deep sighs ::....so annoying =_=""
We were stripped in the city before I even got a chance to sit down today. I had to worry about the live calls with no @ signs, showing passengers knew of the delays. And then worry about reservations to come, that will also be delayed. At the same time....missing 2 operators, not to mention my own Manager. It was just chaos....
All of this...and then Alex the boss calls me to his office....to finally get a chance to talk..... when it was the worst time to have a talk and drag me from my seat. Luckily, Garviel came in and got me out of there, since I didn't know when or how to interrupt the Boss's conversation with another person when I came in.
And before Waheed leaves....he tells me we have a 50 car party tomorrow. Which I have to put out the info. today...so we can be prepared tomorrow. =_=""
I was so glad when Alex said he called Zack to come back....it was around 5pm and he said in 20 minutes or so Zack would be back int he office. Barclays was mostly thanks to him and his efforts tonight. I was being spread so thin without any proper training for this role they just dropped on me. :: deep...deeeppp EXHALES !!::....
All of this.... while trying to put together Wendy's birthday surprise as well... and everything needed for coordination .... It was just crazy, hectic, and insane..... for lack of better words.
Thank god Zack was there, so I had a chance to go eat as well.... since I didn't even get a chance to order any food when I came in today, it was too crazy. (And I'm still only being compensated as a Dispatcher only, none for any of the roles they just dropped on me, esp. without proper training as well. ) I left the job and I forgot my own jacket =_="" .... sheeshh....and it's been nippy lately too :/
I miss having a seasoned Manager..... I missed Iskander, I miss Roni..... :: sighs ::....
Surprising Highlight of today: One of my Chinese Drivers, heard the exhaustion and dismay in my voice... asked me what was wrong, told her it was crazy today; next thing I know she told me that if I was to ever leave the company, she volunteers to go with me. But just to make sure it's a good company and she will come with :) and she said it all happy and cheerful. I was so surprised and kind of moved, and semi cheered up, to feel like I have a shoulder to cry on too and not just hear them complain all the time lol. It felt like I made a friend today, and it was real and not just on the level of using each other for work.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Feeling like a lost lamb since Roni left...
What authority and responsibilities do I have as Assistant Manager?
Who is going to train us for our new roles?
Everything is structured in such an unorthodox manner....it's really hard to function in Concord @_@" :: deep sighs ::...
Who is going to train us for our new roles?
Everything is structured in such an unorthodox manner....it's really hard to function in Concord @_@" :: deep sighs ::...
Concord... and it's bells and whistles...
Nothing but shitty end of the stick right now...and over working for the rate I'm being paid at the moment:
08/20/2013 Tues. --- I get a phone call from 136, who basically went off yelling at me, saying why I wrote him up; all because Joey put my name on the slip he wrote. He was also calling me a liar, since I denied having wrote that slip. (When I came in to help cover knock off last sunday // after I taught Drivers for over 2 hours prior to the 3-11pm shift of work. I was exhausted.)
08/21/2013 Wed. --- Rudy Announced My new title: Assistant Manager--, spoke w/Waheed too about raise..he said wait till Alex come back around 8/28th ... and Waheed said ESL class end at 6th class so 2 more
a week later.....
08/28/2013 Wed. --- Juan from zypsee app came and recorded my voice in Chinese, so the drivers can have a version they can understand on their phones. And I'm also asked to translate words visually for the app.
08/29/2013 Thurs. --- I get Audrey drama; embarrassing me in front of the whole floor...over some bullshit that doesn't even have anything to do with me. But her approach came off like she was trying to put me on the spot, for something that I might of made a mistake on. Annoyed me. (This can be confirmed with any dispatcher and or operator during my shift) // Same day translated for Grisha for a sign he wants to make for the insurance office downstairs.
08/30/2013 --- Fri. --- As per Alex the boss... since we trained Farruhk already, we will put him as a full time dispatcher on the team in the back roll with the rest of us.
Sat. my day off....besides Sundays....in my current schedule... ....... ...... ..... .....
09/01/2013 Sun. --- ESL w/Drivers from 12pm-2pm. But for these drivers I always work beyond the hours I get paid for and they know it. This class#6; I worked from 12-4pm and Concord will only be paying for 2 hours as promised. I thought was last class (class #6) until today lol after a meeting with Waheed (9/3)
09/02/2013 Mon. Labor Day --- I get Rudy calling out last minute cause he felt sick, when he knows I don't do flight check. But then getting dragged back in by Zack. But I can tell he did feel sick, and felt bad for being inadequate to put him at ease when he feels ill.
09/03/2013 Tues. --- While I stood waiting for Crystal to log out, Rudy came out to me telling how he's sorry but can't schedule work around my relationship; so I have to come in on Saturdays from now on until we hire and train someone who can be ready for that schedule (Tues-Sat).
When before Roni left, she and Waheed had a meeting with me about schedule changes. In short, in entails me getting Ruben's schedule and he gets the one they are trying to fill by making Rudy manager. And then Waheed told me no schedules changes for now. .... But now all this bullshit...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
We all got dealt with our current roles because Roni had to leave again, so none of us is properly trained for our current title in the company (Rudy and I). But trying to make it sound like it's about work and nothing personal, and no preferential treatment is just a complete pile of shit.
Farruhk was suppose to be the new comer that was to fill Rudy's old schedule, but because he has a part time job on the weekend, he can't. So we're working with and around him as well.
Ruben, I don't know why. Besides "Rudy, you're my boy right? " is how he approaches Rudy. Never worked a single holiday since we both came to the company. He slacks off whenever he can and work as slow as he can ---so his shift can be over and done with, while doing the minimal amount of work he is being paid for by hourly- regardless.
Yet.... I'm suppose to be dealt with the shitty end of the stick ....is what Rudy thought of last Friday; and now decided to do on a regular business day after Labor Day...which Ruben didn't volunteer and asked to be off again (though its one of our few paid holidays.)
I on the other hand.... has covered for multiple people, from different shifts and titles since I started (Ruben included.) And didn't miss a single holiday in our calendar year till the July 4th of this year.
Believe it or not, I hate having to travel by MTA on Sundays. Because it's the worse public transit day out of the week. All I'm asking is to be fair at least, like have us do alternate Saturdays --instead of just dumping it on me completely. Because I'm not your boy? Who's quick to throw you under the bus every chance he gets, just to cover his ass.
But I'm only your assistant manager at the job, which means I got your back as long as we're working????
What Rudy said to me today, it hurt. Because I like him as a person, and have respect for him as a dispatcher, esp. one that helped trained me as well. I thought better of him. I know schedule changes have been stressing him out since we got our new titles, but this just wasn't right. I've been trying to help him the best that I can since Roni left. I've even covered shifts when he couldn't get people to work it out with him, done majority of the dispatch training.
I feel kind of sick and tired of all the drama lately. I don't get paid enough for this shit. I'm thinking maybe let Ruben have my new title ...so he can really be like " Rudy...I'm your boy dude" lol ... let's see who got his back then... lol Snake ass mofo.
08/20/2013 Tues. --- I get a phone call from 136, who basically went off yelling at me, saying why I wrote him up; all because Joey put my name on the slip he wrote. He was also calling me a liar, since I denied having wrote that slip. (When I came in to help cover knock off last sunday // after I taught Drivers for over 2 hours prior to the 3-11pm shift of work. I was exhausted.)
08/21/2013 Wed. --- Rudy Announced My new title: Assistant Manager--, spoke w/Waheed too about raise..he said wait till Alex come back around 8/28th ... and Waheed said ESL class end at 6th class so 2 more
a week later.....
08/28/2013 Wed. --- Juan from zypsee app came and recorded my voice in Chinese, so the drivers can have a version they can understand on their phones. And I'm also asked to translate words visually for the app.
08/29/2013 Thurs. --- I get Audrey drama; embarrassing me in front of the whole floor...over some bullshit that doesn't even have anything to do with me. But her approach came off like she was trying to put me on the spot, for something that I might of made a mistake on. Annoyed me. (This can be confirmed with any dispatcher and or operator during my shift) // Same day translated for Grisha for a sign he wants to make for the insurance office downstairs.
08/30/2013 --- Fri. --- As per Alex the boss... since we trained Farruhk already, we will put him as a full time dispatcher on the team in the back roll with the rest of us.
Sat. my day off....besides Sundays....in my current schedule... ....... ...... ..... .....
09/01/2013 Sun. --- ESL w/Drivers from 12pm-2pm. But for these drivers I always work beyond the hours I get paid for and they know it. This class#6; I worked from 12-4pm and Concord will only be paying for 2 hours as promised. I thought was last class (class #6) until today lol after a meeting with Waheed (9/3)
09/02/2013 Mon. Labor Day --- I get Rudy calling out last minute cause he felt sick, when he knows I don't do flight check. But then getting dragged back in by Zack. But I can tell he did feel sick, and felt bad for being inadequate to put him at ease when he feels ill.
09/03/2013 Tues. --- While I stood waiting for Crystal to log out, Rudy came out to me telling how he's sorry but can't schedule work around my relationship; so I have to come in on Saturdays from now on until we hire and train someone who can be ready for that schedule (Tues-Sat).
When before Roni left, she and Waheed had a meeting with me about schedule changes. In short, in entails me getting Ruben's schedule and he gets the one they are trying to fill by making Rudy manager. And then Waheed told me no schedules changes for now. .... But now all this bullshit...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
We all got dealt with our current roles because Roni had to leave again, so none of us is properly trained for our current title in the company (Rudy and I). But trying to make it sound like it's about work and nothing personal, and no preferential treatment is just a complete pile of shit.
Farruhk was suppose to be the new comer that was to fill Rudy's old schedule, but because he has a part time job on the weekend, he can't. So we're working with and around him as well.
Ruben, I don't know why. Besides "Rudy, you're my boy right? " is how he approaches Rudy. Never worked a single holiday since we both came to the company. He slacks off whenever he can and work as slow as he can ---so his shift can be over and done with, while doing the minimal amount of work he is being paid for by hourly- regardless.
Yet.... I'm suppose to be dealt with the shitty end of the stick ....is what Rudy thought of last Friday; and now decided to do on a regular business day after Labor Day...which Ruben didn't volunteer and asked to be off again (though its one of our few paid holidays.)
I on the other hand.... has covered for multiple people, from different shifts and titles since I started (Ruben included.) And didn't miss a single holiday in our calendar year till the July 4th of this year.
Believe it or not, I hate having to travel by MTA on Sundays. Because it's the worse public transit day out of the week. All I'm asking is to be fair at least, like have us do alternate Saturdays --instead of just dumping it on me completely. Because I'm not your boy? Who's quick to throw you under the bus every chance he gets, just to cover his ass.
But I'm only your assistant manager at the job, which means I got your back as long as we're working????
What Rudy said to me today, it hurt. Because I like him as a person, and have respect for him as a dispatcher, esp. one that helped trained me as well. I thought better of him. I know schedule changes have been stressing him out since we got our new titles, but this just wasn't right. I've been trying to help him the best that I can since Roni left. I've even covered shifts when he couldn't get people to work it out with him, done majority of the dispatch training.
I feel kind of sick and tired of all the drama lately. I don't get paid enough for this shit. I'm thinking maybe let Ruben have my new title ...so he can really be like " Rudy...I'm your boy dude" lol ... let's see who got his back then... lol Snake ass mofo.
Friday, August 9, 2013
Unapologetically Franny
Year 2010 when I met Franny from working at Dish Network, located in College Point, Queens....
Mother of four, and married twice... dramatic life stories.... and mostly a very independently dependent single Mom; majority of the time.
Here I was hearing and then looking at a single mom, crying hysterically in fetal position, in the corner of a woman's bathroom at the job; which completely took away my need to take a piss at the time.
Got her car taken away because she had missed payments, while living in a shelter in Brooklyn at the time and working in Queens. (which is over 2 hours commute on public transportation.)
--------------------------------------------------------------Loaned her money out of my credit card's balance transfer program that charged 3% fee and then within a certain time limit to pay it back. If not paid in full during that limit, regular mostly fees would kick in as a killer punch in the face for owing money in the first place. (over 10% easily lol / monthly....for a fun snowball effect)
She got fired, then moved away to Florida...
I was laid off due to illness; and was unemployed for over 6 months. I spent that year desperately trying to make money, took on three occupational roles, while attending school to finish my degree. I've never been so exhausted in my entire life.
I was promised that I'll be paid back when she get her tax return that year.... Then year after year. I didn't see a penny nor a dime. But she had money for cigarettes, bubble teas, multiple family vacations, & sending a friend money and buying her gift for a new baby. (which she recently complained on the phone with me about couple of months ago.)
Not mentioning eating out, doing her nails before she even moved to Florida, while she was still in NYC.
---When I needed help getting out of an environment surrounded by Josh, and then Juan... she had been driving around her aunt's van all day? and decided to use me to fill the tank when all I needed was for her to come get me and then dropped me home, which is technically less than $15 for a cab right now to think of it. But she asked me for gas money. I gave her $20, because she needed to put something in the tank after driving around in it...... before I even called for help; Met her cousin that night. But I was hurt. The one time I asked for a favor, reached out and asked for help---- she asked me to pay for it basically. lol
---She was in a hospital ER due to her gall stones getting bad on her... I went out of my way, an over 2 hour commute, went to pick up her kids from school and then took all of them to Wyckoff Hospital. She was mad at me for getting there late, and that she could of asked somebody else.
I was hurt too, for not wanting her to go through things alone.
---There were minor things here and there.... but I never got on her case about it... my fault... I know. But only she would know why, because she says "because you're Jessy" // You wouldn't attack me when I'm going through a tough time basically.
Well.... since she moved away...from Florida...then to frigging Tennessee... army base home...
She has always asked me to visit, when I was coming... and if I had cost concerns, that I could just stay with her, and her mom could use her airline buddy passes to get me there...etc etc etc...and how she and the kids had missed me.... lol
Last year, she came for my birthday(7/16)... and paid for certains things. (Either the meal or at the hookah place, I just thought people split tabs. )
I was surprised she came, and surprised she paid. lol Well according to her she did, I didn't go verifying lol It'd be in poor taste. Besides Erick was and always be a cheapskate.
So this July rolled around, and we had been talking about me visiting her again and seeing the kids etc in Florida when she would go there celebrating her birthday and doing another family vacation. lol
I ended up booking round trip tickets to Florida that was over $400, because her mom was out of buddy passes.
Then I get a call telling me to book a hotel room, then she said I could sleep in the living room if I get an air mattress.
The day of my flight, Friday (7/19). I asked my manager for a day off of work.
I had to get up to get ready at 5am. She calls me at around 1am ish....
"Jessy are you still coming? " .... I knew she didn't want me to as soon as I heard that lol
Then she told me to book a hotel room again; so last minute of course the prices went up....Again. It was going to be over $200/$250 off the bat or so...and that's a shitty hotel/motel/ inn whatever thing....
Then she tells me she plans on leaving the house to go disneyland, magic kingdom in orlando florida at around 7am ish.... while she knows my flight lands at 11:10am at Tampa florida.
Mind you, Florida is a very cab-less state.... lol I looked up a shuttle...would cost $259....
She also had plans for sea world for Saturday, then Universal Studios on Sunday. All the tickets alone...hundreds of dollars...easily said... lol A 3 day weekend was going to about $1500 if not more, because everything was so last minute.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------No where in there was an apology tho... mostly her telling me family drama and how stressed she was... so just an explanation mostly and her venting. --------------------------
I ended up canceling my flight... which in Matt's math terms, was me eating the cost to prevent a nightmare weekend of me alone in a state I've never been to, and with no one to look out for me there. And him worrying about me.
(She sounded upset that I didn't discuss it with her and canceled my flight/ which I informed her by text.)
It was a stressful week, needless to say.... this crap...and Matt's crap...and money stresses me, always.
Days later ... I get a message on my Facebook inbox.... her asking me to Western Union her money.
(That night, I deactivated my Facebook ... took unlinked my google voice to the phone, and offlined my actual phone service. )
The following morning (7/24) I get missed calls and text messages from super early in the morning ... from her.
I was going through so much crap with Matt, and then her bullshit; it was the last straw.
For the first time in years... I had suicidal ideologies again... about bleeding myself dry in the bathtube... and then watching my blood filled the tiles of the bathroom floor. It made me very upset to realize the state I was in. I had nothing, but blood ties called family.
My birthday (7/28), which I had arranged a gathering of friends that Saturday of... on the 27th... which I was very close to calling it all off. Matt told me not to, said I should celebrate the day I was born.
I was so depressed, beyond words.
Everything else was all a fable of lies and fictional dramatizations.
I needed the support, from my friends... and I knew that; So I end up not calling it off and it was the worst birthday gathering ever arranged for me lol
Matt wasn't even going to be there for my birthday, because he screwed up and I didn't want to talk to him that Friday; let along everything else that was going on. I get a text from him four something in the morning saying he doesn't want to hurt me anymore.
But I wanted him there. I needed him there. So I made him go. lol
In short, I was in the state of "Fuck it !" I was mentally and emotionally unstable.
Her debt to me, money wise... about / if not --over $12,000....I stopped doing the math when it broke $11,500 and there was more things to add, since I had covered her and the kids when we went out etc etc
It was so stressful to relive and think of everything in my head.
3 years not a dime... but I've had to sit through all sorts of things because of this woman and for this woman. Frankly, I think she's maxed out the credit limit, that she didn't even have to begin with. I just have a soft spot for single mom, and their kids I guess. lol
I've had friends and family, even acquaintances and a shrink, that tried straightening me out, understand why, while making me feel awful all at the same time. I understood their point, I did the same thing in my head before they jumped on board too, to be apart of my inner voice of harshness.
In short, people just aren't worth it. I'm over it. Fuck it.
I'm disgusted.
Mother of four, and married twice... dramatic life stories.... and mostly a very independently dependent single Mom; majority of the time.
Here I was hearing and then looking at a single mom, crying hysterically in fetal position, in the corner of a woman's bathroom at the job; which completely took away my need to take a piss at the time.
Got her car taken away because she had missed payments, while living in a shelter in Brooklyn at the time and working in Queens. (which is over 2 hours commute on public transportation.)
--------------------------------------------------------------Loaned her money out of my credit card's balance transfer program that charged 3% fee and then within a certain time limit to pay it back. If not paid in full during that limit, regular mostly fees would kick in as a killer punch in the face for owing money in the first place. (over 10% easily lol / monthly....for a fun snowball effect)
She got fired, then moved away to Florida...
I was laid off due to illness; and was unemployed for over 6 months. I spent that year desperately trying to make money, took on three occupational roles, while attending school to finish my degree. I've never been so exhausted in my entire life.
I was promised that I'll be paid back when she get her tax return that year.... Then year after year. I didn't see a penny nor a dime. But she had money for cigarettes, bubble teas, multiple family vacations, & sending a friend money and buying her gift for a new baby. (which she recently complained on the phone with me about couple of months ago.)
Not mentioning eating out, doing her nails before she even moved to Florida, while she was still in NYC.
---When I needed help getting out of an environment surrounded by Josh, and then Juan... she had been driving around her aunt's van all day? and decided to use me to fill the tank when all I needed was for her to come get me and then dropped me home, which is technically less than $15 for a cab right now to think of it. But she asked me for gas money. I gave her $20, because she needed to put something in the tank after driving around in it...... before I even called for help; Met her cousin that night. But I was hurt. The one time I asked for a favor, reached out and asked for help---- she asked me to pay for it basically. lol
---She was in a hospital ER due to her gall stones getting bad on her... I went out of my way, an over 2 hour commute, went to pick up her kids from school and then took all of them to Wyckoff Hospital. She was mad at me for getting there late, and that she could of asked somebody else.
I was hurt too, for not wanting her to go through things alone.
---There were minor things here and there.... but I never got on her case about it... my fault... I know. But only she would know why, because she says "because you're Jessy" // You wouldn't attack me when I'm going through a tough time basically.
Well.... since she moved away...from Florida...then to frigging Tennessee... army base home...
She has always asked me to visit, when I was coming... and if I had cost concerns, that I could just stay with her, and her mom could use her airline buddy passes to get me there...etc etc etc...and how she and the kids had missed me.... lol
Last year, she came for my birthday(7/16)... and paid for certains things. (Either the meal or at the hookah place, I just thought people split tabs. )
I was surprised she came, and surprised she paid. lol Well according to her she did, I didn't go verifying lol It'd be in poor taste. Besides Erick was and always be a cheapskate.
So this July rolled around, and we had been talking about me visiting her again and seeing the kids etc in Florida when she would go there celebrating her birthday and doing another family vacation. lol
I ended up booking round trip tickets to Florida that was over $400, because her mom was out of buddy passes.
Then I get a call telling me to book a hotel room, then she said I could sleep in the living room if I get an air mattress.
The day of my flight, Friday (7/19). I asked my manager for a day off of work.
I had to get up to get ready at 5am. She calls me at around 1am ish....
"Jessy are you still coming? " .... I knew she didn't want me to as soon as I heard that lol
Then she told me to book a hotel room again; so last minute of course the prices went up....Again. It was going to be over $200/$250 off the bat or so...and that's a shitty hotel/motel/ inn whatever thing....
Then she tells me she plans on leaving the house to go disneyland, magic kingdom in orlando florida at around 7am ish.... while she knows my flight lands at 11:10am at Tampa florida.
Mind you, Florida is a very cab-less state.... lol I looked up a shuttle...would cost $259....
She also had plans for sea world for Saturday, then Universal Studios on Sunday. All the tickets alone...hundreds of dollars...easily said... lol A 3 day weekend was going to about $1500 if not more, because everything was so last minute.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------No where in there was an apology tho... mostly her telling me family drama and how stressed she was... so just an explanation mostly and her venting. --------------------------
I ended up canceling my flight... which in Matt's math terms, was me eating the cost to prevent a nightmare weekend of me alone in a state I've never been to, and with no one to look out for me there. And him worrying about me.
(She sounded upset that I didn't discuss it with her and canceled my flight/ which I informed her by text.)
It was a stressful week, needless to say.... this crap...and Matt's crap...and money stresses me, always.
Days later ... I get a message on my Facebook inbox.... her asking me to Western Union her money.
(That night, I deactivated my Facebook ... took unlinked my google voice to the phone, and offlined my actual phone service. )
The following morning (7/24) I get missed calls and text messages from super early in the morning ... from her.
I was going through so much crap with Matt, and then her bullshit; it was the last straw.
For the first time in years... I had suicidal ideologies again... about bleeding myself dry in the bathtube... and then watching my blood filled the tiles of the bathroom floor. It made me very upset to realize the state I was in. I had nothing, but blood ties called family.
My birthday (7/28), which I had arranged a gathering of friends that Saturday of... on the 27th... which I was very close to calling it all off. Matt told me not to, said I should celebrate the day I was born.
I was so depressed, beyond words.
Everything else was all a fable of lies and fictional dramatizations.
I needed the support, from my friends... and I knew that; So I end up not calling it off and it was the worst birthday gathering ever arranged for me lol
Matt wasn't even going to be there for my birthday, because he screwed up and I didn't want to talk to him that Friday; let along everything else that was going on. I get a text from him four something in the morning saying he doesn't want to hurt me anymore.
But I wanted him there. I needed him there. So I made him go. lol
In short, I was in the state of "Fuck it !" I was mentally and emotionally unstable.
Her debt to me, money wise... about / if not --over $12,000....I stopped doing the math when it broke $11,500 and there was more things to add, since I had covered her and the kids when we went out etc etc
It was so stressful to relive and think of everything in my head.
3 years not a dime... but I've had to sit through all sorts of things because of this woman and for this woman. Frankly, I think she's maxed out the credit limit, that she didn't even have to begin with. I just have a soft spot for single mom, and their kids I guess. lol
I've had friends and family, even acquaintances and a shrink, that tried straightening me out, understand why, while making me feel awful all at the same time. I understood their point, I did the same thing in my head before they jumped on board too, to be apart of my inner voice of harshness.
In short, people just aren't worth it. I'm over it. Fuck it.
I'm disgusted.
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Xanga is ending...
And I haven't produced any work since I left school....
Maybe this thing shall become my new replacement journal site.... unless I go back to livejournal .. lol
But frankly, can't believe they are shutting down xanga...been using that thing for like 10yrs nows @_@
Maybe this thing shall become my new replacement journal site.... unless I go back to livejournal .. lol
But frankly, can't believe they are shutting down xanga...been using that thing for like 10yrs nows @_@
Monday, May 13, 2013
A Mother's day, without a mother in the house
This must be a bad year lol First time mommy's not here for her own bday and now Mother's day. She said they won't be coming home soon from the way it seems, since my Grandparents aren't in the best of conditions right now. Grandma has gallbladder stones that has formed beyond just in that organ, and in all different sizes. @_@" ... She needs surgery but her health condition hinders that option. Chinese herbal meds as a surgery free alternative, but her body still can't handle it. I really hope they can come back to New York soon, at least the medical facilities would put part of our minds at ease.
Also told mom about recent things with Matt, since she asked about him. Was that my mom's subtle way of being mad? since she always sounds so even tempered? lol that's my mom for ya ... just nice. Daddy got on the phone trying to calm the conversation, and getting blamed for taking his side lol Just got put in the same category just for being male lol ... kind of funny lol And then there's my dad going ...what did i do? lol hahahhaa oh man... just too amusing. Then mom's mad at him? and they both tried to tell each other to butt out and chill...it's just funny hahha I love my parents. I don't know what I would do without them.
The only good thing would be I got away with crying for a day and a half without her here. She would of been in my room with wet and dry paper towels and a wet towel, trying to get me to stop crying, and making my eyes swollen and blood shot, then allergic to my own skin. I miss my mommy. She would of been in there just looking at my face seeing an expression she deems fishy, or hearing me cry from the next room..even tho I keep it low volume nowadays. She would just pop up lol, I even questioned if she had some kind of ultra sound bat hearing lol. My mom's amazing.
Also told mom about recent things with Matt, since she asked about him. Was that my mom's subtle way of being mad? since she always sounds so even tempered? lol that's my mom for ya ... just nice. Daddy got on the phone trying to calm the conversation, and getting blamed for taking his side lol Just got put in the same category just for being male lol ... kind of funny lol And then there's my dad going ...what did i do? lol hahahhaa oh man... just too amusing. Then mom's mad at him? and they both tried to tell each other to butt out and chill...it's just funny hahha I love my parents. I don't know what I would do without them.
The only good thing would be I got away with crying for a day and a half without her here. She would of been in my room with wet and dry paper towels and a wet towel, trying to get me to stop crying, and making my eyes swollen and blood shot, then allergic to my own skin. I miss my mommy. She would of been in there just looking at my face seeing an expression she deems fishy, or hearing me cry from the next room..even tho I keep it low volume nowadays. She would just pop up lol, I even questioned if she had some kind of ultra sound bat hearing lol. My mom's amazing.
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