Woke up oddly... first at like 930am, went back to bed. I actual got up at 1:30pm. Mustaphai had called me, so I called him back; ended up having the longest phone conversation that I've never had with him before lol. An hour and a half. Then called Jiao (Summer) since I had a miss her call her too.
Next thing I know it was 3 something almost 4pm... Mom was leaving and Dad was going to drive her out. I got an offer I to be driven to pick up my Piperlime package, so I got dress asap and went. Daddy ended up taking a route that took longer than the train ride of 30mins for me to get there lol. But today was the last day for that package, thank god I went; esp. since I didn't even know ... they would of shipped back my new boots !!
Then we went to Flushing, I ate at the cheap noodle spot in the Golden Food Court Mall. Soon as I finish placing my order... She asked me how come my boyfriend didn't come with me, long time no see and etc. But she got quiet once I told her we broke up lol. Awkward.... hehehe
I realized my ID was in my wallet, then recalled how my phone just fell out of my hoodie pocket, and then recalled I placed my ID in it too.... and all was lost... lol I was scared, panicked a bit... since I searched my jacket soon as I got off the train. I was hoping I didn't lose it on the streets, called the Fedex store back just in case and they had it, thank god !! lol It's the only ID i got right now that hasn't expired yet hehehehe
Betty with texting me the whole time. :) Trying to give me some emotional support, even though she is stressed the hell out lol She did have some valid points, I just didn't see the realistic functions and the how to function aspects of what she was trying to tell me.
---------
I felt flustered and unease just messaging him on FB.
I still think I need a good cry lol which is just holding up in there. I need to talk to gather my thoughts, my emotions, and unleash the water tank that I keep feeling by my eyes. I know I haven't felt everything I need to feel yet. I'm avoiding the feeling shit.
Mom just asked me if I'm going downstairs to watch movies tonight...with him.
How harmless these questions are.... but hurt so goddamn much.
Friday, November 22, 2013
11/21/2013 --- Thurs. Content
I reached exhaustion about 10:30am... just typing away... but somehow I couldn't remain asleep for more than 2 hours. And I wasn't even tired. My eyes are a bit sore, even though I actually didn't cry all that much 0-o.... maybe it was adrenaline, that caused my blood pressure to rise... since my eyes were and still is a bit blood shot.
Mommy was gone all day... showing houses.... miracle... lol
Betty spoke with me briefly in the morning, and then told me to come out tonight.
Met Doris for the first time, and then it was Javier and Betty.... right away I knew Betty picked the restaurant because it was a diner... lol But i will never order a drink from that place ever again.... barely tasted any...liquor... fucking all ice and color dye :/
So apparently, Thursday nights = therapy corner for them.
It was interesting, thought it's a real healthy thing to do on a weekly basis. :)
*Heard Javier's ambitions.
*Betty's troubles.... and then Betty being drunk, after half a bottle of blue moon lol So cute lol Never seen her drunk before. She fell asleep on me, like 3 times lol And was acting funny when she was trying to drink her soup hehehe Her spoon missed her mouth lol.
She was stressed about work... and not being able to express herself at will, nor freely. And also the whole relationship thing...So it was a 4-5hr convo. last Sunday...apparently it was 8 hours... @_@"
I'm a little jealous that she has a guy that actually wants to try that badly, and is trying ...however twisted he's actually "trying" in his actions lol. Who the fuck flies over, internationally, almost 3 weeks later ,just for a proper break up??? @_@
I don't recall Doris's issues...She seemed a bit reserved for me.
None the less.... it was a night of sexual puns over 2 orders of creme filled milk shakes lol
Came home, took a look at one of my old online dating profiles.... and saw Jayme...
A man, whom I haven't spoken to in years, after he threw a bitch fit tantrum. We were friends for a good long time too when I was still in high school :/.
Now looking on my page lol... again.
Spoke to Kevin for a few messages, don't got the patience for this crap. lol
(So far, told my Mom, Betty, and Rachel. I thought about calling Randy and even Mustaphai... but I usually speak to Andrew about these things. I usually don't confide much to people, besides the ones I'm in a relationship with, my best friends... we no longer talk... and then Andrew, Randy, Betty. ... even Ben lol Sadly... felt kind of odd when Moises came into my head for a sec. )
I didn't say much to Betty, since she seem like she has her hands full. But she did kept on asking me if I was ok and how I was feeling.
------------------------
It's weird how I managed to not cry as much when I was home. But when I got on the train.... every other thought was triggering my tear ducts lol I felt more alone in a crowd waiting at Grand Central, than being in my bedroom all by myself.
Thank god I actually felt a little tired on the way back, managed to nap a little.
(The good thing about being unemployed, is now I have my regular routines back lol My daily vitamins, skin care routine after a shower for the face and body; almost forgot how relaxing it was. My Eczema is dwindling down, thank god ...lol was killing me. )
I don't know what kind of depression this one is going to be, but I have my fingers crossed on the non-eating kind lol ... the no appetite after a while and crazy GYM time. Happy to report, no suicidal thoughts kicked in yet. The only thing I felt was memory loss... and don't feel as up to par. The lack of motivation feeling :/
Oh well.... it'll kick in fully...eventually... lol
And it was weird that I posted a journal on my QQ page...and some guy forwarded to his page@_@" WTF ...
------------------------------------------------------------
Mommy was gone all day... showing houses.... miracle... lol
Betty spoke with me briefly in the morning, and then told me to come out tonight.
Met Doris for the first time, and then it was Javier and Betty.... right away I knew Betty picked the restaurant because it was a diner... lol But i will never order a drink from that place ever again.... barely tasted any...liquor... fucking all ice and color dye :/
So apparently, Thursday nights = therapy corner for them.
It was interesting, thought it's a real healthy thing to do on a weekly basis. :)
*Heard Javier's ambitions.
*Betty's troubles.... and then Betty being drunk, after half a bottle of blue moon lol So cute lol Never seen her drunk before. She fell asleep on me, like 3 times lol And was acting funny when she was trying to drink her soup hehehe Her spoon missed her mouth lol.
She was stressed about work... and not being able to express herself at will, nor freely. And also the whole relationship thing...So it was a 4-5hr convo. last Sunday...apparently it was 8 hours... @_@"
I'm a little jealous that she has a guy that actually wants to try that badly, and is trying ...however twisted he's actually "trying" in his actions lol. Who the fuck flies over, internationally, almost 3 weeks later ,just for a proper break up??? @_@
I don't recall Doris's issues...She seemed a bit reserved for me.
None the less.... it was a night of sexual puns over 2 orders of creme filled milk shakes lol
Came home, took a look at one of my old online dating profiles.... and saw Jayme...
A man, whom I haven't spoken to in years, after he threw a bitch fit tantrum. We were friends for a good long time too when I was still in high school :/.
Now looking on my page lol... again.
Spoke to Kevin for a few messages, don't got the patience for this crap. lol
(So far, told my Mom, Betty, and Rachel. I thought about calling Randy and even Mustaphai... but I usually speak to Andrew about these things. I usually don't confide much to people, besides the ones I'm in a relationship with, my best friends... we no longer talk... and then Andrew, Randy, Betty. ... even Ben lol Sadly... felt kind of odd when Moises came into my head for a sec. )
I didn't say much to Betty, since she seem like she has her hands full. But she did kept on asking me if I was ok and how I was feeling.
------------------------
It's weird how I managed to not cry as much when I was home. But when I got on the train.... every other thought was triggering my tear ducts lol I felt more alone in a crowd waiting at Grand Central, than being in my bedroom all by myself.
Thank god I actually felt a little tired on the way back, managed to nap a little.
(The good thing about being unemployed, is now I have my regular routines back lol My daily vitamins, skin care routine after a shower for the face and body; almost forgot how relaxing it was. My Eczema is dwindling down, thank god ...lol was killing me. )
I don't know what kind of depression this one is going to be, but I have my fingers crossed on the non-eating kind lol ... the no appetite after a while and crazy GYM time. Happy to report, no suicidal thoughts kicked in yet. The only thing I felt was memory loss... and don't feel as up to par. The lack of motivation feeling :/
Oh well.... it'll kick in fully...eventually... lol
And it was weird that I posted a journal on my QQ page...and some guy forwarded to his page
------------------------------------------------------------
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Commitment.
The wedding vow: " I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life."..... This is why commitment aren't for the faint of heart.... nor the weak willed... It's meant for the unyielding, who triumph through relentless pursuit, while enduring the hardships in life; knowing that they love each other, and that life without the other is no life at all. And why it's till death? Because life is hollow without the love of your life beside you.
Now what would you know about that?
You sanctimonious prick.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------11/22/2013 3:21 AM
You were astonished that I was still there, and holding on to "us", when you give me endless reasons to leave, and give up on this. I found out the marriage crap in June, for about 6 months... you told me you'll try, made me all sorts of promises, speeches of how it'll get better, you'll change. // Even though you were still lying to me, making me empty promises, hollow words.
I held on, as long as you told me you still loved me and wanted to make this work. I'm on the receiving end of all your non-sense, but you have the nerve to quit on me first?!? after all this bullshit. It was nothing but false pretenses. Concord taught you well.... you just kept on stalling...buying time...even though you weren't going to do shit to actually make this work.
Why waste my time if you didn't want this?
Why drag it out?
If it's not convenience of having a regular sex partner, someone who takes care of you all the time// I don't know what is, besides the word "convenience".
A million to one.... regardless of the odds.... I stuck by you. But you can't even find "a" reason to hold on to this? really?
You lazy, lying, coward. I don't know how you can call yourself a Man.
God forbid you had to do right by me, some "actual" - " efforts" ...... you might overexert yourself.
I've gone above and beyond for you, because I love you that much; but you were never going to do the same for me. You took the easy way out. So don't you dare tell me that it's because you don't want to hurt me anymore and how this is for me, and for the greater good. If you gave a shit about me, should of been honest with me from the beginning. You had so many god damn chances, esp. in the last 6 months. You sanctimonious prick.
The last time that a guy left in the manner you did.... he was already seeing someone behind my back. But you swore to me that you didn't cheat on me. It's all just semantics... he was just waiting to end it with me, so he can go ahead and make it official with the rebound chick, then say how he didn't cheat since he didn't start till we broke up.
There's a saying in Chinese, that a dead body isn't even cold yet... and their spouse was already preparing to jump into sack with the next person available.
I don't know what to believe, or how to believe since you do nothing but lie you ass off and leading me on under false pretenses.
For over a year... I've only had you on my mind, wherever I went. If I saw something, and thought you'd like it, want it, or need it... you know I bought it. And now this bullshit. You're just so fucking full of it.
我很生气,但是同时我感到很伤心,很难过.
I love you. But I have too much pride to chase after someone who clearly doesn't want to be with me.
I'll fight the world if I have to, but how can I fight for us; if you're the one fighting me.
This is such a joke.
Even my mom said this "别再爱他了，他的爰太假了，说放弃这么轻松。
(Don't love him any more, his love is too fake, say give up so easily.)"
To new beginnings (Ending blog @ 10:18am --11/21/2013 --NYC time)
"When someone walks out of your life, let them. You may miss them, but remember you weren't the one that gave up..."Perhaps its a self defense mechanism, or just not wanting to take the blame.... But any relationship takes two people; unless you were dating yourself in the mirror looking into your own reflections.
However, this was a really thought triggering thing to read .. lol
First person I told, my mom lol. And then asked her not to bring up or mention anything about money right now, please..
Then she asked the same thing I did lol... First it was : When did it happen?
Then: "他不能离？" --- He can't get a divorce?
followed by : "跟他的老板一个口气。" --- He has the same tone, just like his boss.
I felt my heart sunk, like the anchor of a ship. It just felt heavy... as it fell into a deeper pit. But the surface remains calm.
I felt pain, eventually... since the feeling has gotten dull.
It's been slowly but surely I guess.
But this is still the man I love. (guess he has a point when he said we felt like family members.)
My memories are fading again. So I know I've def. been depressed lol. Gotta get ready and start keeping a daily journal again, just so I can recognize time.
我心中有你. 你心中没有我.
我的...
白痴, 我爱你
You would think I'd cry a little less now since I've been crying all throughout this whole damn relationship.
It's like I'm mourning again.
But I know and so does my friends... if I can get over Juan, I can get over just about anyone lol.
Betty didn't seem too amused when I joked about calling Juan for distractions hehhehe
I miss Liza.. haven't seen a therapist in years.... lol
It was weird... that about 2 days ago or so... when I was organizing everything...
I opened my traveling kit bag... where I kept the 2 shot glasses that we've used the last couple of times at hotels. And one of them was broken, so I had to throw it away. Ironic. (guess I had a feeling and this was why.)
Its hard to find someone who understands you, but it's even hard to find someone with enough brain cells to analysis you as well. Needless to say, even tougher if that's a person you'll actually listen to lol. But these people are your life savers, that'll bring you safely to shore.
-------------------
I have a lot of thoughts running all over the place right now... feels like a bunch of deers running frantically, scared from being beamed from a car's headlights. It's like sensory overload, with too many data flying all over the place.
When I'm hurt, my defense mechanism (my brain) won't let me show it... it'll fight it.
My heart wants me to be honest, and say and try whatever I can think of to salvage it. Because I want it to work, that badly. I don't want to have regrets, esp. with someone whom I love so dearly. My heart, what I truly feel is what talks me into staying when I'm hurting, hurting so badly that feels like I'm being tortured to the the brink of existence. My heart, and all these feelings is what also makes me feel like a fool at the end of the day. My mind blames myself for giving it my all, for being genuine, and sincere with the person I love and hold most dear// Just so they can stab me in chest. But I also know that if I didn't love, then it wouldn't have hurt, so it sure as hell wouldn't have mattered to me at all.
I'm back to questioning the reality of this relationship again, because of all the lies.
Some part of me feels like he moved on more than me lol Other part just thinks he has more lies yet told, or he probably can't keep his promises again so he's ending it now and not dragging it out till end of Dec. as agreed, or he cheated on me/ that or has prospects ready lol ... just waiting to be single again.
I feel toyed with (hurt)... gonna quote the same thing again
This is his words...." i have let you down but i wont again, i will try for you any which way humanly possible, i should have never made you feel this way 3:09 AM" ""
"Trying" is too much to handle, to actually put in work cause it's not all sunshine and rainbows.
I get paper print outs, cut outs.... and trips to queens or half way to queens; that was the extend of his efforts for "humanly possible" lol :: scoffs ::..
My mind said don't make any more future plans with a liar... but my heart didn't want to picture it without him.
~Still haven't seen "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2" that was released Sept. 27th... almost 2 months ago
~He was suppose to go shopping with me again on Black Friday, which is Friday of next week.
~We had plans to actually not spend New Years at work again... but with each other and family hopping on his end.
~Owes me a decent Valentine's day
~A proper birthday celebration since he completely ruined it this year. (A vacation he said.... )
~All the hollow words, empty promises... that he said he was going to try and fulfill lol
Some part of me feels like I wasted my time with a immature child, who hasn't experienced a "serious" relationship... and I was his guinea pig. (This is why I don't like virgins.) ----My Jaded self... lol
Pictured thoughts of having families with many potential suitors, but never did think "oh, this is the one" or even might be the one... majority of the time, just thinking ....WTF am I gonna do, or how will life be...if I was "Stuck"...and with that guy...@_@"
---
I will admit this tho.... old habits die hard lol.
I do enjoy testing them, just to see if their love is true, and to see the depth of their affection.
(Then thought what Erick said to me " Passive aggressive... " )
Matt didn't seem too happy when I mentioned what Betty posted on FB, but then again... I didn't think he was even on FB much to even see it. lol How people have changed.
I just wish he had enough balls to admit that he's quitting on "us", instead of giving me the novelty lines of " I don't want to hurt you anymore, and you'll be happier without me." Blah blah... Esp. now after all the bullshit talks, the I will try, I'll be better speeches... // Like I said..."Blah blah".... ~_~" (annoyed)
Well.... back to the home improvement project hehehe
That soft and mushy side of life, will get you nothing but hurt. Got those thoughts too, but don't even wanna think about it right now. Fucking wanna snuff that dumb bitch lol Go play nice in your grave woman!! This is how you get your feelings hurt. 我爱上了一个没心，没肺的人。
Guess the daily 3 pages activity still works lol.... empty out my head...and onwards with the self soothing process lol.
I guess ... at least now I won't have to worry about him not looking the part at work for a break up lol.
However, this was a really thought triggering thing to read .. lol
First person I told, my mom lol. And then asked her not to bring up or mention anything about money right now, please..
Then she asked the same thing I did lol... First it was : When did it happen?
Then: "他不能离？" --- He can't get a divorce?
followed by : "跟他的老板一个口气。" --- He has the same tone, just like his boss.
I felt my heart sunk, like the anchor of a ship. It just felt heavy... as it fell into a deeper pit. But the surface remains calm.
I felt pain, eventually... since the feeling has gotten dull.
It's been slowly but surely I guess.
But this is still the man I love. (guess he has a point when he said we felt like family members.)
My memories are fading again. So I know I've def. been depressed lol. Gotta get ready and start keeping a daily journal again, just so I can recognize time.
我心中有你. 你心中没有我.
我的...
白痴, 我爱你
You would think I'd cry a little less now since I've been crying all throughout this whole damn relationship.
It's like I'm mourning again.
But I know and so does my friends... if I can get over Juan, I can get over just about anyone lol.
Betty didn't seem too amused when I joked about calling Juan for distractions hehhehe
I miss Liza.. haven't seen a therapist in years.... lol
It was weird... that about 2 days ago or so... when I was organizing everything...
I opened my traveling kit bag... where I kept the 2 shot glasses that we've used the last couple of times at hotels. And one of them was broken, so I had to throw it away. Ironic. (guess I had a feeling and this was why.)
Its hard to find someone who understands you, but it's even hard to find someone with enough brain cells to analysis you as well. Needless to say, even tougher if that's a person you'll actually listen to lol. But these people are your life savers, that'll bring you safely to shore.
-------------------
I have a lot of thoughts running all over the place right now... feels like a bunch of deers running frantically, scared from being beamed from a car's headlights. It's like sensory overload, with too many data flying all over the place.
When I'm hurt, my defense mechanism (my brain) won't let me show it... it'll fight it.
My heart wants me to be honest, and say and try whatever I can think of to salvage it. Because I want it to work, that badly. I don't want to have regrets, esp. with someone whom I love so dearly. My heart, what I truly feel is what talks me into staying when I'm hurting, hurting so badly that feels like I'm being tortured to the the brink of existence. My heart, and all these feelings is what also makes me feel like a fool at the end of the day. My mind blames myself for giving it my all, for being genuine, and sincere with the person I love and hold most dear// Just so they can stab me in chest. But I also know that if I didn't love, then it wouldn't have hurt, so it sure as hell wouldn't have mattered to me at all.
I'm back to questioning the reality of this relationship again, because of all the lies.
Some part of me feels like he moved on more than me lol Other part just thinks he has more lies yet told, or he probably can't keep his promises again so he's ending it now and not dragging it out till end of Dec. as agreed, or he cheated on me/ that or has prospects ready lol ... just waiting to be single again.
I feel toyed with (hurt)... gonna quote the same thing again
This is his words...." i have let you down but i wont again, i will try for you any which way humanly possible, i should have never made you feel this way 3:09 AM" ""
"Trying" is too much to handle, to actually put in work cause it's not all sunshine and rainbows.
I get paper print outs, cut outs.... and trips to queens or half way to queens; that was the extend of his efforts for "humanly possible" lol :: scoffs ::..
My mind said don't make any more future plans with a liar... but my heart didn't want to picture it without him.
~Still haven't seen "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2" that was released Sept. 27th... almost 2 months ago
~He was suppose to go shopping with me again on Black Friday, which is Friday of next week.
~We had plans to actually not spend New Years at work again... but with each other and family hopping on his end.
~Owes me a decent Valentine's day
~A proper birthday celebration since he completely ruined it this year. (A vacation he said.... )
~All the hollow words, empty promises... that he said he was going to try and fulfill lol
Some part of me feels like I wasted my time with a immature child, who hasn't experienced a "serious" relationship... and I was his guinea pig. (This is why I don't like virgins.) ----My Jaded self... lol
Pictured thoughts of having families with many potential suitors, but never did think "oh, this is the one" or even might be the one... majority of the time, just thinking ....WTF am I gonna do, or how will life be...if I was "Stuck"...and with that guy...@_@"
---
I will admit this tho.... old habits die hard lol.
I do enjoy testing them, just to see if their love is true, and to see the depth of their affection.
(Then thought what Erick said to me " Passive aggressive... " )
Matt didn't seem too happy when I mentioned what Betty posted on FB, but then again... I didn't think he was even on FB much to even see it. lol How people have changed.
I just wish he had enough balls to admit that he's quitting on "us", instead of giving me the novelty lines of " I don't want to hurt you anymore, and you'll be happier without me." Blah blah... Esp. now after all the bullshit talks, the I will try, I'll be better speeches... // Like I said..."Blah blah".... ~_~" (annoyed)
Well.... back to the home improvement project hehehe
That soft and mushy side of life, will get you nothing but hurt. Got those thoughts too, but don't even wanna think about it right now. Fucking wanna snuff that dumb bitch lol Go play nice in your grave woman!! This is how you get your feelings hurt. 我爱上了一个没心，没肺的人。
Guess the daily 3 pages activity still works lol.... empty out my head...and onwards with the self soothing process lol.
I guess ... at least now I won't have to worry about him not looking the part at work for a break up lol.
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
"Then I will not touch you, he said"
It was surprise to see a Facebook notification for which he has placed me under his family members. But it had no option for whatever this relationship between us was suppose to be; not to mention, I didn't know why the sudden request and placement on this site.
I didn't know what to feel after further looking into the matter... so I asked him.
It was so I could view the pictures we recently took, since he placed it under family members only.
Yet, I've never felt so out of place while in a relationship with someone I love.
So this deed inflicted pain that he will never know of, because he is a careless man.
None the less, I was going to put that behind me and move on.
Besides, I was starving and needed nourishment. He got up and got it for me upon request, opened it, and then ate first.
All I could think of was all the times... that I made sure he was properly set up to eat first, fed first, and or had preparations ready in case he was hungry again later on. Then it clicked... he has never.. done such a thing for me. I was starving, my stomach was rumbling, but I had lost my appetite. And it seems like I have lost many things recently...
Somehow, forcing himself upon me when I am angry.... is suppose to make things better.
And repeatedly voicing the same issue, since he doesn't seem to grasp it only worsens the matter.... He then pours oil and light a torch upon the matter....
"Then I will not touch you, he said"
Why be with me? Why be with me at all ?
Why be there, why be near me?
Why not leave? Why not go home to your solace, since I am no longer that for you?
Was it the train? Was it the lack of convenience for you?
Whatever it was... being with me wasn't and still will not be your solution.
You turned your back on me. And then blamed me.
Today, Selfishness is all you can think of for reasoning.
Perhaps this relationship has stayed passed it's welcome.
You just didn't want to admit it.
I didn't know what to feel after further looking into the matter... so I asked him.
It was so I could view the pictures we recently took, since he placed it under family members only.
Yet, I've never felt so out of place while in a relationship with someone I love.
So this deed inflicted pain that he will never know of, because he is a careless man.
None the less, I was going to put that behind me and move on.
Besides, I was starving and needed nourishment. He got up and got it for me upon request, opened it, and then ate first.
All I could think of was all the times... that I made sure he was properly set up to eat first, fed first, and or had preparations ready in case he was hungry again later on. Then it clicked... he has never.. done such a thing for me. I was starving, my stomach was rumbling, but I had lost my appetite. And it seems like I have lost many things recently...
Somehow, forcing himself upon me when I am angry.... is suppose to make things better.
And repeatedly voicing the same issue, since he doesn't seem to grasp it only worsens the matter.... He then pours oil and light a torch upon the matter....
"Then I will not touch you, he said"
Why be with me? Why be with me at all ?
Why be there, why be near me?
Why not leave? Why not go home to your solace, since I am no longer that for you?
Was it the train? Was it the lack of convenience for you?
Whatever it was... being with me wasn't and still will not be your solution.
You turned your back on me. And then blamed me.
Today, Selfishness is all you can think of for reasoning.
Perhaps this relationship has stayed passed it's welcome.
You just didn't want to admit it.
Monday, November 4, 2013
Kelly Clarkson- Already Gone
Feeling like the other person is always ready to take the easy way out. Or perhaps the easier way out....
Either way, god forbid they put in more effort, this would be too much for them....as it'd work out ...and I'd expect it to work... lol
I always know when I'm not placed first. He, himself, will first and foremost.... always be in front of me.
I have empathy towards that choice decision.
But in a relationship, when I've never placed him as second choice... just doesn't sit with me well.
For a man that's "supposedly" trying to make amends with me and all his broken promises....
you would think he'd take the opportunity to fulfill one of the first promises ever made to me, by laying off sex for a month. We're already 2 weeks in, from fighting and me having had a period. But he just couldn't pick the bigger picture over sex --- once again. lol
I'm dating a man who doesn't even know me, and it's been over a year.... I know what I fell in love with, but I don't he knows. It just doesn't feel like it's me anymore. Better yet, I don't think it was ever me, it was always how I made him felt comfortable about being himself, to be comfortable in his own skin while with another human being. It's always how he can love himself and care for himself a little more. I was never in that equation, it was always himself and his "me me me me ME".
Promised me a movie that we'd see in theaters for way over a month, minimum.... and as soon as I realize it's not playing in the theater we're had planned to see it in; all he can say is "I'll download it baby".
I asked for him to find it in another movie theater, I knew I was half assed because I looked and he didn't.
So he didn't have any answers for where else this movie is playing at a day later. And then blaming it on yahoo search engine, even there...I saw 2 theaters in NYC playing that move. Google offered a lot more theater options, but he never looked.
Effort.... lol This is his words...." "
If humanly possible was this limited, I think we'd still be trying to figure out how to make fire.
It's efforts like these...that makes me question why I'm in a relationship and not single. How do you go 2 strikes out of 3 in like 24 hours, not even...
I'm disappointed. I'm full of resentment, and I'm angry from all the pain that has been inflicted upon me.
Either way, god forbid they put in more effort, this would be too much for them....as it'd work out ...and I'd expect it to work... lol
I always know when I'm not placed first. He, himself, will first and foremost.... always be in front of me.
I have empathy towards that choice decision.
But in a relationship, when I've never placed him as second choice... just doesn't sit with me well.
For a man that's "supposedly" trying to make amends with me and all his broken promises....
you would think he'd take the opportunity to fulfill one of the first promises ever made to me, by laying off sex for a month. We're already 2 weeks in, from fighting and me having had a period. But he just couldn't pick the bigger picture over sex --- once again. lol
I'm dating a man who doesn't even know me, and it's been over a year.... I know what I fell in love with, but I don't he knows. It just doesn't feel like it's me anymore. Better yet, I don't think it was ever me, it was always how I made him felt comfortable about being himself, to be comfortable in his own skin while with another human being. It's always how he can love himself and care for himself a little more. I was never in that equation, it was always himself and his "me me me me ME".
Promised me a movie that we'd see in theaters for way over a month, minimum.... and as soon as I realize it's not playing in the theater we're had planned to see it in; all he can say is "I'll download it baby".
I asked for him to find it in another movie theater, I knew I was half assed because I looked and he didn't.
So he didn't have any answers for where else this movie is playing at a day later. And then blaming it on yahoo search engine, even there...I saw 2 theaters in NYC playing that move. Google offered a lot more theater options, but he never looked.
Effort.... lol This is his words...." "
If humanly possible was this limited, I think we'd still be trying to figure out how to make fire.
It's efforts like these...that makes me question why I'm in a relationship and not single. How do you go 2 strikes out of 3 in like 24 hours, not even...
I'm disappointed. I'm full of resentment, and I'm angry from all the pain that has been inflicted upon me.
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