Charmed

"It's hard to imagine opening myself up to loving someone else, with everything we face in our everyday lives, love just feels like an invitation for more pain. "

~Piper Halliwell- Charmed Season 4 ep. 2

Being Politically correct, doesn't make it "Right"

"So if you felt like I was fine with it and did it, fine, I don't blame you. You didn't know. But if you felt like I wasn't OK with it, and did it anyway, then I have to say that I felt disrespected that one of the very few things I asked wasn't honored. That I wasn't being considered like how I would consider your feelings."

How you feel and how I feel is different....

But because of how you feel a certain way, I'm suppose to be on the same boat?
No, it doesn't work that way.

What you want to do, isn't what I want; in so... by doing what I want, isn't disrespect but you telling me how to act to suit your fancy... now that is; you're not my parent and you sure as hell don't pay any of my bills.
You have no right on telling me what to do, how you think I should etc etc ....

I have plenty of friends that know of each other, don't like each other.... and have high probabilities of getting into a verbal or physical altercations with one another. But I trust them to behave like adults when we all decides to show up for any social gathering etc, they don't have to like each other and all that jazz, but they will act right and behave themselves regardless. Neutral ground, neutral zone.

You don't have to like what I do, done, and will do...
but because you don't like it, or don't want it to happen and I'm suppose to obey?

"one thing is being yourself, and another is being considerate of other people's wishes/requests"
Consideration for one another goes from issue to issue.... it doesn't work like rollover minutes.
The point of "asking", is to seek an answer for agreement or non-agreement.
You decided yourself that I should for some reason, when the whole time I told you I don't and won't, and will do how I see fit.

But then I get this whole FB message novel on it....
Then I find out you two are in cahoots with each other. . . or starting to .... is just you being a hypocrite.

Side Effects

It's strange to feel all the pain that I've been holding off.... yet... the only thing I feel is an abundance of love for you, and the longing to be with you. This is a horrible combination.

"Marriage is about figuring out how to make it through when things change."
~Lie to Me (Season 1 ep. 10)



It's weird to feel the obligation of a wife, esp. to a man that's not married to me. lol What a joke.
And now I'm back to angry and hurt.

fault: monogamous lol

Daily 3 pages & a Positivity Container?

After looking over Momo's current happiness, I was and still is happy for him and all his achievements. He is making his life better and I'm glad. :)

I recall buying a book he wanted from Union Sq. which he also wanted me to read... so I may receive the words of God and etc etc ... well...I ended up on her page from his...watched two videos from Joyce Meyer's broadcasts and it did put a smile on my face, and brighten how I felt a bit.

(I was cleaning my room and came across all the letters he had wrote, self delivered, or post marked.... each of them lengthy as a novel  @_@"  ) I read through some of them again, and felt loved, it was nice. But at the same time, I recalled the damages he had done, the pain, and the hate I once felt for that man. Oddly enough, as much as I loved Juan, I never managed to hate him. And as hurt as I am by Matt, all I feel is an abundance of love for him and the longing to be with him. Hours ago, I took a nap... I had a bad dream. Daddy had woken me up in the middle of my sleep to talk to me about the lady downstairs...again.
     In my dream, for some odd reason, Josh, Christian and one other guy who gave me the impression that was his sibling as well...was staying at the house; while my Father was present as well. I walked to the room for my Grandparents, only to see the stranger sitting in the chair by the desk, eating walnut shrimp like a starved person and having made a huge mess on the carpet floor. It was as if the whole floor was the plate for what he was eating, it was everywhere. Then I went to the small room by the staircase, where Daddy has been resting recently.... only to find Josh and Christian there... and some where in all this...my Dad was there.....upset I think....
     I was looking for you, walking through out my house. But all I saw were people I had cut off, and had stopped talking to for years... and a stranger that I've never even seen before, leaving me a mess to clean up after. The only response I got, and I think it was from my Dad, was that you had left... a long time ago, enough time to think you would already be somewhere under tunnel on your way home. You had left, without saying a word to me, and I was left looking for you aimlessly. All I wanted to do was cry, and that's exactly what I did after I woke up and realized the dream I had just had.... and cried myself back to sleep.

I don't understand why the loved ones I had cast away were in my dream.... :/ esp. one I recently spoke to and then realized why I had cast him away to begin with.

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Set a firm date stating the first day you will refuse to dwell on the past and stick with it.
“Apply what you've learned from this breakup to your next relationship,” advises Dr. Whitbourne. “What lessons can you carry forward so that you reduce the potential for the next relationship to end the same way?

http://iamfedupwithyourliesandcheating.com/recovering-from-a-breakup/

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Ready for Disappointment

I can't look at you right now. Instant tear jerker. 

You think I'm mad at you for not coming to see me in 4 days and perhaps we're fighting over something small again like before; which led to us splitting ways the first time (Nov. 21, 2013). 

But I've been fighting the split up over major reasons since last summer.  

I don't believe you want to be with me more than anything. 

I don't believe you actually want this, like you say you do; like many things you said you will do but don't. 

I don't believe you. I can't trust you. 

I've been driving myself nuts for over 7 months (since June 2, 2012) , because of you.  

This is not something small. It led us to fight over small things, but the root of the problem is huge.  

I haven't felt loved for a while now. 

(You made a promise to me that you'll quit smoking, lied about how often you smoked during the process.) 

You walking out on me to go smoke, really triggered it. You told me you got bored, so you left to go smoke, without even letting me know you had left the house. (Nice to know all you need is boredom to break a promise.)  I had to come downstairs looking for you, just to find nothing.  (So much for " I wait for you all my life" lol) The first day of the New Yr, it felt like a reality check.  

You decided to walk out on me in Nov. and gave me some bullshit reason. Then we got back together cause how miserable we felt lol 

This feels like such a joke.  

The only person who has ever lived up to the ultimatum proposal, after a relationship ended, was Moises.  Nobody else. 

So the chances of "us" after today, skinny to none. lol  

Like you said, I deserve more and not feeling like I'm getting the petty end of the affection you're willing to give me.

You never ran after me when I left hurt, by you; Instead you would always let me go off, by myself, alone. 

You never gave me an explanation that wasn't filled with holes and room for more doubt. 

And you def. should of never... left a paranoid person this amount of free time, to go crazy in their mind on their on.... Insanity isn't that hard to reach, but you are. 

Thurs: You told me you were too tired after work, so you went straight home.... even tho I'm on the way... 

Fri.     You told me you felt sick after work, so you went straight home.... even tho I'm on the way... and could of given you some antibiotics.

Sat.    You told me when you woke up, that you felt really sick still, and Grandma's tea wasn't working.... we both agreed bedrest was the best for you, besides antibiotics (Your aunt would get for you). 

Sun.    You told me when you woke up, that you feel better, the sound of your voice was recovering and you were finally watching Sunday football after 12 years. 

All I said was I was going to sulk a bit... and you went off ... in defensive mode.  (If you're this sick and tired of me, of us, why prolong it? why get back together in the first place, wasn't it why you really decided to end it in the first place?  ) 

I just wanted some attention from you, since haven't seen you in three days short of a week. But you tried to make me feel bad about wanting to see you. God forbid you pampered me just a bit.... lol To think I was thinking to take a trip to Brooklyn, but you didn't want to be with me on your days off; I guess football means more, esp. after missing it for 12yrs. Why would I matter...someone you don't even know for 2 yrs yet. :: scoffs ::.. You always knew just how to make a girl feel loved, endlessly... just like that stupid game you bought.

I don't want to be like Mary, and Franny; in a relationship dealing with a guy that they have to spy and check up on a regular basis; being crazy... wanting to check their e-mails, the phones, their facebook....etc etc... It's not me nor who I ever would want to become.  

-----------------------------------------------------------Side note
(Can't believe this translation @_@" , it's awful // 娇气 = (temperamental)) and 撒娇 = (Play the woman)  // no accuracy at all...jesus...

Oh wait...found better translations for 撒娇
acting coquettishly lol 
throwing a tantrum, or a hissy fit lol
I preferred the term, pampering, indulging in bratty spoiled behavior...for translation :)  

In context: 
With parents it is acting like a small child and being a spoiled brat. 
With a boyfriend is being flirtatious, teasing your bf etc..

New Fav. vocab. "deign"

2nd unexpected fav. vocab. "Incubus"...the word...not the band...
Defines to: a male demon believed to have sexual intercourse with sleeping women. ( lol ) 

And The Devil Wears Prada (2006) Movie, is still by far one of my favs.

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"I" before "U", silly me to think that would ever form "us".





"My savagery pales in comparison to yours.
You won't drag me back into this world that had forsaken me.
You, who cheated me with the vaccine that gives me but the taste of the life I can never have. You, who gave me hope.
You're more of a monster than I am, and someday ...I will kill you for it. "
 ~ Dracula -season 1 ep 7

Here's your freedom.

I don't want to have to wonder where you are when I don't see you and if it's really where you are or were at
I don't want to keep feeling like a crazy person all day and night thinking what you might be doing behind my back, or who you might actually be with.
I don't want to sit through this torture anymore.
All this paranoia you've caused, has been driving me nuts.
As much as I tried to suppress it, it's just too much to bare, esp. for a prolonged amount of time; as much as I love you.
I don't enjoy, being an paranoid, angry, and a resentful bitch, all because of how hurt I am by you. All because I love you, and or perhaps cares too much about you.

And on top of that, knowing you choose to quit, just like that.... really made me feel like it wasn't worth it, the more I kept on thinking and thinking.... I felt stupid for fighting so hard, and for what? I don't know. I have to fight with myself each and every day since I found out everything was a lie, and how it continued to be a lie since you didn't stop. And a good part of my instincts tells me you haven't neither. I can't even be 100% sure if who I fell in love with is actually the person you are or pretended to be. But to have to fight with you too.... feels like I'm forcing you into something you're not, or want to participate in this relationship when we both don't have to.

If it was for me... like you said... to not hurt me anymore.
You could of kept it honest, or at least tell me why in truth and then explained yourself fully. Or keep your words.
That's all I've ever asked from you.

I don't like ultimatums or even the thought of not being with you. But you keep telling me that you'll do something when you won't and just don't.
I don't want to chase after your promises anymore like a debt collector. It's very exhausting and it's not an occupation I'd ever sign up for.


But as of right now,

Let's be apart, until you do, and we'll stay apart if you happen to decide not to, as usual. It's okay.
I don't have to be your future, you know that. I can be, just apart of your past from this minute forward like you had chosen before; You're not stuck to me nor with me.
This is for your convenience, ease, and comfort, and you can quote me again like you did. Here's your freedom.
I don't know what you want from this, or what you want from me.... but the choice to fight or flight is always on the table for everyone.

I do love you, very much. I just don't know how to continue like this.

Slowly reacting....

It finally caught up to me ...

From end of Nov.21 morning till now ...

some part of me feels like he decided that because he has had it....
like i have been, so he took the easy way out and then realized how badly it felt to be apart...
And I was pissed that he chickened out and gave me some shitty story about it being for me, so we resumed.

I'm recalling that day....
We kissed and he just walked out of my front door.

Then I recall Juan, then I recall Moises...