Allergy tests

Doctor said I'm allergic to everything tested today :-( my forearm was all swollen and itchy ...:(

Cats....and dogs...:-(

Pouting & Moping.....

The Good Wife: Season 4 ep 13 "The Seven Day Rule"
Diane Lockhart & Alicia Florrick


Diane: Your absence from the festivities is sending quite a message to the partnership.

Alicia: Uh, what message would that be?

Diane: That you're not vested in our little enterprise.

Alicia: (laughs)

Diane: You're pouting. It's unbecoming.

Alicia: No. I'm working.

Diane: You know why I was made partner?

Jonas Stern was sued for sexual harassment, and he needed to show that he had a female partner.

That's all.

When the door that you have been knocking at finally swings open, you don't ask why, you run through. That is the simple fact. No one is here to make it comfortable for you; no one is here to appreciate your moping, so this is my advice to you: Take a minute for yourself, put on your best gracious voice, find a way to wear a smile, and then come into the conference room ready to thank the equity partners for giving you this opportunity. Because what is given can quickly be taken away.

A thoughtful guy...

The new guy I've been training since Monday, Alan ... bought me coffee and a hot dog bun pastry thing today. He didn't know how I like my coffee so he came with three cups and placed them on my desk... cup of coffee, cup of milk or cream...and lastly cup of sugar... lol

There's hope for man kind yet...  lol

He caught me by surprise ... Not to mention I'm not a morning person lol but I was very moved....

A very touching gesture... and he even offered me a ride home when we were about to clock out :)

It was a busy day for me, but it def. Was a nice day.... boss bought us lunch too  hehe (Thai Food ! )

1st bucket of gold

Got my first big order that was over a thousand dollars.

It was about 6 thousand dollars but due to lack of inventory it got brought down to about 3600. I felt kind of accomplished today, besides helping Alan by training him since yesterday..... apparently he's the boss' cousin...lol that's turning 25 yrs old this year. :)

Anyhow... I'm one step closer to a higher pay grade... If I make the amount in this slow and lack of inventory moment in time... lol

Marriage: Juliet & Stephen

Stephen drove his car to pick me up, with Juliet sitting next to him in the front. I was so surprised that we were stopping by the mall first because she has to stop by Forever21 to pick up the dress she's going to wear today to city hall. I stayed in the car and chatted with Stephen, so he told me about his family and all the things in between since before the last time I saw him, after they've moved in together.

I was also surprised when they drove into the city instead of going to the location in queens to get married; either way we were hoping for a short line and wait lol It was a beautiful day, after two cold and gloomy ones...  the sun was shinning and the temperature was just right.... :-D

I didn't expect to find the location familiar, then I realized I took the FDNY exam within the same vicinity. A bunch of court houses, where I had gotten lost before lol.

Stephen's sister Laura came with their Father, who was riding in a motorized mobile scooter thing because he has Parkinson's disease. They came all the way from Long Island via LIRR and then a cab I think.

It was hot inside ! lol Flowers were being sold near the entrance and people were taking pictures all over the place; esp. by the Wedding Garden in front of a court house. :)

The line and wait was shorter than I expected... after they had registered and gotten a # , then get the formal documentations and witness thing out the way for paper trail...Then we went into this room...with this light pastel orange color painted walls...and this orange sofa...lol Then there's the built into the wall - glass cabinet...storing ancient marriage records from ages ago...lol


We waiting till one of the staff members came into the room to perform the ceremony... and by complete surprise.. Juliet cried... lol I def. never expected that lol ....


The whole time I was taking care of Stephen's Father and had a nice long conversation with him, while others went off to take pictures and etc...

He told me he got Parkinson's when he was 45 years old... and how he was from Little Neck...boardering Northern Blvd. in Queens; then they moved and etc... Told me he had brain surgery and they had implanted a device into his flesh..etc and had me touch the bumps @_@"........................... lol.....

But one thing he said that really left quite an impression.... (after mentioning that Juliet's Brother went to get her a bouquet of pink roses to hold. )

You see a lot of people buying and bringing flowers to funerals..... when they really should of given their loved ones a flower each and every single day while they were alive....

It hit a spot somewhere....and very moving....esp. since Stephen told me how his Mom had passed away from lung cancer, when she never smoked a day in her life. And I was seeing how Laura was still wishing that her mom was still alive...and could be there....

I really enjoyed talking to him... even though at first I had a hard time understanding him... by the end of the night I was starting to become adjusted to how he was speaking.


         We went to little Italy and had an italian lunch. We were seated outdoors and then it got chilly.... Dessert and coffee was had at a cafe near by, indoors ....lol where it was nice and warm and we shared the sweets till Laura and their Father had to head back to Long Island.


         Juliet and I waited at the cafe for Stephen to come back after dropping them off at Penn Station. He got back about 8pm... after we've had a long conversation about her new marriage life.... lol She told me it felt just right today... right amount of people being there... and how I was there on their first date and now their wedding day lol like a beginning and ending ...she felt complete. :)

This has been the highlight of my year.... one good thing out of 2014....... I was happy to be there; despite what transpired when I woke up in the morning.

It was great :) She said they might have the wedding where everyone is invited and etc in a year or so... and thinking about braids maids and etc...and gave me the look lol.... almost like she's telling me to lose weight to fit into the dress hahahhaaa :D awe man.. lol 

First Wholesale worthy order

$309.10

Finally ! something that broke retail pricing and was over $100 lol 

And it was by Golden... lol 

First week

Waking up at 6 30 am all week.... tired.... but I miss retail...life was simpler then...

Juliet actually provided me training....so I didn't start a new job position frantically....
And I had complete freedom over most things... she trusted me to handle everything, even in her absence when she went to Vegas for the trade show with the sales team.

          There's no formally established training of any kind in the sales department @_@" ....
Everything is address as I question along the way....

Feels like I just got tossed into the fire...and my only option is to dive in blind ....then pray that I come back alive lol :: deep sighs ...::.... :/ 

Sales....

Half the familiar faces were gone.... New cubicles.... cramped spacial design on the main side.... but surprised that the Boss came this early because he heard I was back lol with his venti Starbucks coffee....chuckling while he sat in front of me in the display room.... even more surprised that he had spoken of me recently and told people to see if they could get me back to the company lol and then I ended up calling and here I am again lol

It felt nice to be recognized and remembered for my hard work. :)

Moises & Minions

It was nice to see a man put in so much effort for me, which I haven't seen nor felt in a long time.
Today wasn't as hot as a few days ago since we had some rain; but I still wouldn't want anyone to suit up and etc lol
He came in a 3 piece suit, summer appropriate colored tie and dress shirt...and the shoes.... the whole nine yards... and his hair ironed out lol 

He stood there, holding a big Target bag...instead of his messenger bag; which he wears for work.

We saw the new movie "LUCY" that just came out  07/25/2014
Then afterwards he told me it was a gift for me, since my birthday's on Monday this year.

He had me open it while we waited for the bus to go to Time Sq. area for dinner.
First he took out a minion book-bag...
inside the book-bag there was a large minion stuffed animal  :-D
and another zipper opened up to a minion t-shirt... :-D
And then he pulled out a minion trio set from that giant bag he was carrying... with one other small individual minion by itself

I was so happy and kind of at a loss for words... hehehhe............ even though everything he got me was off the kids' section, so I couldn't fit nor wear any of it lol hahahhaa...awe man...hehehe

This is a man I've shunned from my life for years now...

On top of all this.... the whole time... I was picking up this scent... cause it was so familiar, but I wasn't sure what it was...since the fragrance changes through out the day and it interacts differently per person's body odor...

So I asked him what it was.... and he asked me if I liked it...
because it was a cologne that I told him I loved a long time ago...when I first discovered it.... "Bleu de Chanel"

How much thought this man had to put in ... for me... years later.... lol
Felt very loved today. 

He didn't even sleep yet... since he went to shop for me after work apparently...

It was a little bitter sweet for me.  

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was disappointed since none of it fits me..... so it kinda felt like it wasn't really for me...
Just like the last time he tried to give me a present.... the $100 Godiva chocolate with the red velvet box that had crystals on-top.
He thought I would like the box... but it was all wrong... So it just felt like I wasn't the person he was gifting...because he had no idea what I'd want... lol Like he didn't know me :/ and that hurts

Maybe it's just me... but if I'm giving a gift, and it's a person close to me, or someone I'm dating and etc etc..
I'm going to give something I know the person receiving it...would:
A) want
B) Love
and C) find useful and etc etc.... unless it's just a B.S. gift...for gifting appearance sake....or I was lazy lol or perhaps didn't have the time. 

Bones - Season 9 ep17

Bones Season 9 ep17

"Before I realized that we were symbiotic. Like a clown fish and a sea anemone. You and I, we're bound to one another. So much so that I don't feel that I could survive without you. You nurture me. You protect me. You are my home. If I were to damage that by a meaningless dalliance, it would be like killing myself. Something that I would never do. I would never let anything compromise the life we share, Booth. I love you."

Do what makes You -> Happy....

What would make me happy?

A job where I get to help people.... but I don't want to hear bitching all day just like most Customer Service jobs. Since most people call in act ungrateful, nasty, and greedy. They all call in like you owe them something and how you did them wrong...etc etc....

I just want a service job where I help, because they need it....needed it badly.... and I can be thanked for helping and not being told what else I can do, like I was below competent...before they get all nasty or even start cursing.


I love to help, but only for those in need.... who'll appreciate the help they are getting, because I can always not help them so damn much...

Honesty

A vow
A promise

A WORD.....

A commitment for loyalty.

It's odd to have no words, no promise, no vows....kept....... yet to still believe one is faithful, and as committed as he says or pretends to be.


Loyalty... is a form of honesty; To know his heart belongs to me, and not shared with any one else... is the only thing I haven't been able to see otherwise.

But it's hard to believe that... to a married man.

It's hard to call mine... when a piece of paper states otherwise.

Honesty looks like a fluffed cloud.... blurred in a fog.

Willing Pain.... is Love just a form of sadomasochism?

"I can see how much pain you're in.
Is it worth it...to have your own happiness so contingent upon another human being?"

"If I was willing...to  give up my life for Sachi...why would I not be willing to risk my happiness for her? "

Bones Season 4 ep. 23

Year and a Half and it's like we never happened...." I " have no spacial data in his mind.....

I took nyquil and went to sleep, woke up with some weird dream again... seems to be getting a lot of that in the last 7 days or so :/

Well... today... the dream's setting was in a Home Depot, and Matt worked in it? lol I was following him and another woman, till I lost trace of them. They entered a secluded space.... that was guarded. The spots where I managed to peek... it looked like they were speaking intimately and dancing some sort of fierce tango later on?? lol

I just feel so defeated with all this paranoia going on in my subconscious and when I'm conscious. Our talk during the weekend really rung a few bells at Nori Nori.
I feel taken for granted.
I feel alone.
I don't feel loved as much any more.... nor much at all when I look at everything.

I'm starting to wonder if friendship was what this was suppose to be...

Just in the last few days.... the alarms seems to ring louder in my head...
From wanting to see him as the Father of my kids... to being afraid if he was the Father of my kids...

I'm constantly being forgotten...
God forbid I die or become disabled, he won't be table to take care of me... or kids....

This is starting to feel like another one of those relationships, where I'm just placed in their lives to help them ease into and out of a tough transition in their life.... :: deep sighs ::......


How do you go into the same restaurant we've been to countless of times.... and not know what to order for me??
How can you not know what my favorites are??
I have no space in your life, in your mind....you made no effort, no room... to retain me in your existence....

I want you to have me in mind so badly... I feel like I've been living in a delusion, just overlooking everything... since I want this to work so badly.... But just to realize I've been fighting for nothing?? I don't know how you love people or express that love.... but this really sucks.



Losing will....

Charmed

"It's hard to imagine opening myself up to loving someone else, with everything we face in our everyday lives, love just feels like an invitation for more pain. "

~Piper Halliwell- Charmed Season 4 ep. 2

Being Politically correct, doesn't make it "Right"

"So if you felt like I was fine with it and did it, fine, I don't blame you. You didn't know. But if you felt like I wasn't OK with it, and did it anyway, then I have to say that I felt disrespected that one of the very few things I asked wasn't honored. That I wasn't being considered like how I would consider your feelings."

How you feel and how I feel is different....

But because of how you feel a certain way, I'm suppose to be on the same boat?
No, it doesn't work that way.

What you want to do, isn't what I want; in so... by doing what I want, isn't disrespect but you telling me how to act to suit your fancy... now that is; you're not my parent and you sure as hell don't pay any of my bills.
You have no right on telling me what to do, how you think I should etc etc ....

I have plenty of friends that know of each other, don't like each other.... and have high probabilities of getting into a verbal or physical altercations with one another. But I trust them to behave like adults when we all decides to show up for any social gathering etc, they don't have to like each other and all that jazz, but they will act right and behave themselves regardless. Neutral ground, neutral zone.

You don't have to like what I do, done, and will do...
but because you don't like it, or don't want it to happen and I'm suppose to obey?

"one thing is being yourself, and another is being considerate of other people's wishes/requests"
Consideration for one another goes from issue to issue.... it doesn't work like rollover minutes.
The point of "asking", is to seek an answer for agreement or non-agreement.
You decided yourself that I should for some reason, when the whole time I told you I don't and won't, and will do how I see fit.

But then I get this whole FB message novel on it....
Then I find out you two are in cahoots with each other. . . or starting to .... is just you being a hypocrite.

Side Effects

It's strange to feel all the pain that I've been holding off.... yet... the only thing I feel is an abundance of love for you, and the longing to be with you. This is a horrible combination.

"Marriage is about figuring out how to make it through when things change."
~Lie to Me (Season 1 ep. 10)



It's weird to feel the obligation of a wife, esp. to a man that's not married to me. lol What a joke.
And now I'm back to angry and hurt.

fault: monogamous lol

Daily 3 pages & a Positivity Container?

After looking over Momo's current happiness, I was and still is happy for him and all his achievements. He is making his life better and I'm glad. :)

I recall buying a book he wanted from Union Sq. which he also wanted me to read... so I may receive the words of God and etc etc ... well...I ended up on her page from his...watched two videos from Joyce Meyer's broadcasts and it did put a smile on my face, and brighten how I felt a bit.

(I was cleaning my room and came across all the letters he had wrote, self delivered, or post marked.... each of them lengthy as a novel  @_@"  ) I read through some of them again, and felt loved, it was nice. But at the same time, I recalled the damages he had done, the pain, and the hate I once felt for that man. Oddly enough, as much as I loved Juan, I never managed to hate him. And as hurt as I am by Matt, all I feel is an abundance of love for him and the longing to be with him. Hours ago, I took a nap... I had a bad dream. Daddy had woken me up in the middle of my sleep to talk to me about the lady downstairs...again.
     In my dream, for some odd reason, Josh, Christian and one other guy who gave me the impression that was his sibling as well...was staying at the house; while my Father was present as well. I walked to the room for my Grandparents, only to see the stranger sitting in the chair by the desk, eating walnut shrimp like a starved person and having made a huge mess on the carpet floor. It was as if the whole floor was the plate for what he was eating, it was everywhere. Then I went to the small room by the staircase, where Daddy has been resting recently.... only to find Josh and Christian there... and some where in all this...my Dad was there.....upset I think....
     I was looking for you, walking through out my house. But all I saw were people I had cut off, and had stopped talking to for years... and a stranger that I've never even seen before, leaving me a mess to clean up after. The only response I got, and I think it was from my Dad, was that you had left... a long time ago, enough time to think you would already be somewhere under tunnel on your way home. You had left, without saying a word to me, and I was left looking for you aimlessly. All I wanted to do was cry, and that's exactly what I did after I woke up and realized the dream I had just had.... and cried myself back to sleep.

I don't understand why the loved ones I had cast away were in my dream.... :/ esp. one I recently spoke to and then realized why I had cast him away to begin with.

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Set a firm date stating the first day you will refuse to dwell on the past and stick with it.
“Apply what you've learned from this breakup to your next relationship,” advises Dr. Whitbourne. “What lessons can you carry forward so that you reduce the potential for the next relationship to end the same way?

http://iamfedupwithyourliesandcheating.com/recovering-from-a-breakup/

-----------------------------------------------------

Ready for Disappointment

I can't look at you right now. Instant tear jerker. 

You think I'm mad at you for not coming to see me in 4 days and perhaps we're fighting over something small again like before; which led to us splitting ways the first time (Nov. 21, 2013). 

But I've been fighting the split up over major reasons since last summer.  

I don't believe you want to be with me more than anything. 

I don't believe you actually want this, like you say you do; like many things you said you will do but don't. 

I don't believe you. I can't trust you. 

I've been driving myself nuts for over 7 months (since June 2, 2012) , because of you.  

This is not something small. It led us to fight over small things, but the root of the problem is huge.  

I haven't felt loved for a while now. 

(You made a promise to me that you'll quit smoking, lied about how often you smoked during the process.) 

You walking out on me to go smoke, really triggered it. You told me you got bored, so you left to go smoke, without even letting me know you had left the house. (Nice to know all you need is boredom to break a promise.)  I had to come downstairs looking for you, just to find nothing.  (So much for " I wait for you all my life" lol) The first day of the New Yr, it felt like a reality check.  

You decided to walk out on me in Nov. and gave me some bullshit reason. Then we got back together cause how miserable we felt lol 

This feels like such a joke.  

The only person who has ever lived up to the ultimatum proposal, after a relationship ended, was Moises.  Nobody else. 

So the chances of "us" after today, skinny to none. lol  

Like you said, I deserve more and not feeling like I'm getting the petty end of the affection you're willing to give me.

You never ran after me when I left hurt, by you; Instead you would always let me go off, by myself, alone. 

You never gave me an explanation that wasn't filled with holes and room for more doubt. 

And you def. should of never... left a paranoid person this amount of free time, to go crazy in their mind on their on.... Insanity isn't that hard to reach, but you are. 

Thurs: You told me you were too tired after work, so you went straight home.... even tho I'm on the way... 

Fri.     You told me you felt sick after work, so you went straight home.... even tho I'm on the way... and could of given you some antibiotics.

Sat.    You told me when you woke up, that you felt really sick still, and Grandma's tea wasn't working.... we both agreed bedrest was the best for you, besides antibiotics (Your aunt would get for you). 

Sun.    You told me when you woke up, that you feel better, the sound of your voice was recovering and you were finally watching Sunday football after 12 years. 

All I said was I was going to sulk a bit... and you went off ... in defensive mode.  (If you're this sick and tired of me, of us, why prolong it? why get back together in the first place, wasn't it why you really decided to end it in the first place?  ) 

I just wanted some attention from you, since haven't seen you in three days short of a week. But you tried to make me feel bad about wanting to see you. God forbid you pampered me just a bit.... lol To think I was thinking to take a trip to Brooklyn, but you didn't want to be with me on your days off; I guess football means more, esp. after missing it for 12yrs. Why would I matter...someone you don't even know for 2 yrs yet. :: scoffs ::.. You always knew just how to make a girl feel loved, endlessly... just like that stupid game you bought.

I don't want to be like Mary, and Franny; in a relationship dealing with a guy that they have to spy and check up on a regular basis; being crazy... wanting to check their e-mails, the phones, their facebook....etc etc... It's not me nor who I ever would want to become.  

-----------------------------------------------------------Side note
(Can't believe this translation @_@" , it's awful // 娇气 = (temperamental)) and 撒娇 = (Play the woman)  // no accuracy at all...jesus...

Oh wait...found better translations for 撒娇
acting coquettishly lol 
throwing a tantrum, or a hissy fit lol
I preferred the term, pampering, indulging in bratty spoiled behavior...for translation :)  

In context: 
With parents it is acting like a small child and being a spoiled brat. 
With a boyfriend is being flirtatious, teasing your bf etc..

New Fav. vocab. "deign"

2nd unexpected fav. vocab. "Incubus"...the word...not the band...
Defines to: a male demon believed to have sexual intercourse with sleeping women. ( lol ) 

And The Devil Wears Prada (2006) Movie, is still by far one of my favs.

--------------------------------



"I" before "U", silly me to think that would ever form "us".





"My savagery pales in comparison to yours.
You won't drag me back into this world that had forsaken me.
You, who cheated me with the vaccine that gives me but the taste of the life I can never have. You, who gave me hope.
You're more of a monster than I am, and someday ...I will kill you for it. "
 ~ Dracula -season 1 ep 7

Here's your freedom.

I don't want to have to wonder where you are when I don't see you and if it's really where you are or were at
I don't want to keep feeling like a crazy person all day and night thinking what you might be doing behind my back, or who you might actually be with.
I don't want to sit through this torture anymore.
All this paranoia you've caused, has been driving me nuts.
As much as I tried to suppress it, it's just too much to bare, esp. for a prolonged amount of time; as much as I love you.
I don't enjoy, being an paranoid, angry, and a resentful bitch, all because of how hurt I am by you. All because I love you, and or perhaps cares too much about you.

And on top of that, knowing you choose to quit, just like that.... really made me feel like it wasn't worth it, the more I kept on thinking and thinking.... I felt stupid for fighting so hard, and for what? I don't know. I have to fight with myself each and every day since I found out everything was a lie, and how it continued to be a lie since you didn't stop. And a good part of my instincts tells me you haven't neither. I can't even be 100% sure if who I fell in love with is actually the person you are or pretended to be. But to have to fight with you too.... feels like I'm forcing you into something you're not, or want to participate in this relationship when we both don't have to.

If it was for me... like you said... to not hurt me anymore.
You could of kept it honest, or at least tell me why in truth and then explained yourself fully. Or keep your words.
That's all I've ever asked from you.

I don't like ultimatums or even the thought of not being with you. But you keep telling me that you'll do something when you won't and just don't.
I don't want to chase after your promises anymore like a debt collector. It's very exhausting and it's not an occupation I'd ever sign up for.


But as of right now,

Let's be apart, until you do, and we'll stay apart if you happen to decide not to, as usual. It's okay.
I don't have to be your future, you know that. I can be, just apart of your past from this minute forward like you had chosen before; You're not stuck to me nor with me.
This is for your convenience, ease, and comfort, and you can quote me again like you did. Here's your freedom.
I don't know what you want from this, or what you want from me.... but the choice to fight or flight is always on the table for everyone.

I do love you, very much. I just don't know how to continue like this.

Slowly reacting....

It finally caught up to me ...

From end of Nov.21 morning till now ...

some part of me feels like he decided that because he has had it....
like i have been, so he took the easy way out and then realized how badly it felt to be apart...
And I was pissed that he chickened out and gave me some shitty story about it being for me, so we resumed.

I'm recalling that day....
We kissed and he just walked out of my front door.

Then I recall Juan, then I recall Moises...