Do what makes You -> Happy....

What would make me happy?

A job where I get to help people.... but I don't want to hear bitching all day just like most Customer Service jobs. Since most people call in act ungrateful, nasty, and greedy. They all call in like you owe them something and how you did them wrong...etc etc....

I just want a service job where I help, because they need it....needed it badly.... and I can be thanked for helping and not being told what else I can do, like I was below competent...before they get all nasty or even start cursing.


I love to help, but only for those in need.... who'll appreciate the help they are getting, because I can always not help them so damn much...

Honesty

A vow
A promise

A WORD.....

A commitment for loyalty.

It's odd to have no words, no promise, no vows....kept....... yet to still believe one is faithful, and as committed as he says or pretends to be.


Loyalty... is a form of honesty; To know his heart belongs to me, and not shared with any one else... is the only thing I haven't been able to see otherwise.

But it's hard to believe that... to a married man.

It's hard to call mine... when a piece of paper states otherwise.

Honesty looks like a fluffed cloud.... blurred in a fog.

Willing Pain.... is Love just a form of sadomasochism?

"I can see how much pain you're in.
Is it worth it...to have your own happiness so contingent upon another human being?"

"If I was willing...to  give up my life for Sachi...why would I not be willing to risk my happiness for her? "

Bones Season 4 ep. 23

Year and a Half and it's like we never happened...." I " have no spacial data in his mind.....

I took nyquil and went to sleep, woke up with some weird dream again... seems to be getting a lot of that in the last 7 days or so :/

Well... today... the dream's setting was in a Home Depot, and Matt worked in it? lol I was following him and another woman, till I lost trace of them. They entered a secluded space.... that was guarded. The spots where I managed to peek... it looked like they were speaking intimately and dancing some sort of fierce tango later on?? lol

I just feel so defeated with all this paranoia going on in my subconscious and when I'm conscious. Our talk during the weekend really rung a few bells at Nori Nori.
I feel taken for granted.
I feel alone.
I don't feel loved as much any more.... nor much at all when I look at everything.

I'm starting to wonder if friendship was what this was suppose to be...

Just in the last few days.... the alarms seems to ring louder in my head...
From wanting to see him as the Father of my kids... to being afraid if he was the Father of my kids...

I'm constantly being forgotten...
God forbid I die or become disabled, he won't be table to take care of me... or kids....

This is starting to feel like another one of those relationships, where I'm just placed in their lives to help them ease into and out of a tough transition in their life.... :: deep sighs ::......


How do you go into the same restaurant we've been to countless of times.... and not know what to order for me??
How can you not know what my favorites are??
I have no space in your life, in your mind....you made no effort, no room... to retain me in your existence....

I want you to have me in mind so badly... I feel like I've been living in a delusion, just overlooking everything... since I want this to work so badly.... But just to realize I've been fighting for nothing?? I don't know how you love people or express that love.... but this really sucks.



Losing will....