Feelings in the back burner....

it burns nothing but pain; of which I don't care to deal with, so it can't electrify my senses plugged into a socket.

Stress & Distress....

It's been nothing but stress at work lately, for over a month now, and the only good thing was finally getting my raise and seeing it on my direct deposit statement yesterday.

Writing 4 people up in 3 days.

Then finding out they had to send out a fleet message because I was off work and a lot of people were calling in for me lol.

People giving me a hard time, but then I resolved it.... lol It's like fixing a problem, once you really figure out what the issue is... otherwise, we're just butting heads...



"It's like I'm trying to preserve something that's already gone"
Ted, from How I Met Your Mother.



I'm back to the ground page where it feels like sex is the only thing he would really "strive" and put in effort for. Perhaps it's due to the instant gratification, besides sex feels good lol. But if sex was all I need a guy to put in effort for ...then a sex buddy would of been a better option and I'd pick one great in most things....... :/
This is not what I'd sign up for, for a boyfriend.... for me.
He slept, I watched him sleep, snored, and gave him my covers so he wouldn't be cold; but then I ended up with the sniffles. When the time comes, he's always eager to leave like an employer stopped paying for hourly wage passed his shift.// Which for me is like WTF ?!?

*After a sleepless night for me, and me wanting to sleep.... he steps on me, and only saying blayt, instead of asking if I'm ok...
*Here I am trying to sleep still.... he asks if I have a hairbrush ... and then catches an attitude when I throw the blanket over my head and told him to figure it out...

So I got up, go dressed, packed everything, and went upstairs.... and for once I didn't wait for him. I felt bad but at the same time, I don't think he cares. Because our time is up? cause it's 10am and he has to go. Or 5am like the last time. I don't know what this is anymore. Last time was even more awkward....Had sex and then because it's 5AM, him telling me he gotta go... wtf ...am i ?? your fucking booty call now??


I don't know what we have anymore, feels like I just invested emotions into a sex buddy relationship...
And next month is our one year anniversary...
This is so tiring right now.... and when I get upset, and only seems like --"I " get upset....
it's like I'm the only one rocking the boat, making trouble for him and for whatever this supposedly is??




-----------Rachel just came back yesterday... saying she is ready for more Chinese lol
So now here's my schedule.....Mon-Fri... with now alternating Saturdays...Sunday ESL w/Drivers and now w/Rachel as well .. (I'm still suppose to have 2 days off within a 7 day week.)

I don't know how Ruben escaped the alternating schedule completely, but he's def. back up when we can't. And it was just like wtf...when I heard Rudy say....on Ruben, he can't Sat. is the day for him and his girl...

I don't know what happened to , "We can't schedule work around your relationship" line...he gave me few weeks back...and now this bullshit. I'm very fed up, in a multi-faceted manner.

I'm tempted to take the Sun & Monday off shift...I just don't like having to be at Concord at 11am, because I'd have to be up around 8am @_@....which screws up my sleeping pattern throughout the week. I'm leaning towards taking off days with actual dress codes....// and now in the rocky state of w/e this relationship is right now... wouldn't mind days where we'd see each other less if this ends.

Wendy's Birthday Surprise! & 50 Car Party 6302

I've been planning a birthday surprise since the beginning of the month. Wendy, who plans birthdays for all of us in the office and puts in extra money when she don't get enough from everyone at the job. It's about time we celebrated her's or at least to thank her. I ended up collecting over a hundred for this woman, and been shopping for today's big surprise since last weekend.

She got balloons from Tonya, got a bouquet of pink roses, I ended up buying 2 cakes(Italian Rum/ and a 14 cheesecake sampler) , since it was going to be 15 people today. 3 bottles of sodas ( one diet ginger ale so she can drink too) , and some of her favorite snacks. (Pop corn, potato chips, and cheese puffs ). We topped it off with a birthday, which I made sure everyone who chipped in, signed it. Last but not least, because I was being savvy with the spending budget, had $50 to give her as well.

Today's birthday surprise was accomplished with great success ! She never saw it coming :D


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Work wise..... 50 car party in the city, with party rates.... took 3 drivers from party, who are also from my weekend ESL class, to cover zone 54's big VIPs ...

Today felt great! I'm exhausted, since I got up super early to do everything and barely caught any sleep since I was still thinking how to deal with everything I need to do.... but it was worth it. :) She was happy. I was afraid that she would be angry, since she didn't want to celebrate her birthday and was very insisting on it.



Sad part of today, one of my nice drivers 544 called and said this was his last week. He found a full time office job and friday he will be in the office to finish paper works etc etc for leaving. So maybe I'll get to meet him before he leaves like Femi (but never got to see him) He left me his contact said to K.I.T., so sweet of him. I was so bummed out though.

One other downside to today... I forgot today was voting day....didn't realize it till I was shopping in Flushing for Wendy's birthday surprise;  wanted to vote for John Liu for Mayor... just saw his campaign in the mail too.

Manager for a Day

So Rudy called out today 9/9/2013... Monday....and automatically I'm the one in charge of the 3-11pm shift =_=""   ..... man... was I not thrilled about this lol And then everything else just piled on, one after the next... I was just annoyed and not feeling it...

We all thought Rudy was going to be out Tues. and then a text message about him being out today, which only Ruben received ....=_=""  aarruughh....I don't get group texts... this is the 2nd time he tried group texting, when he knew 1st failed !! .... But whatever...


          First, I get Farruhk telling me no he won't move from his seat to where Rudy usually sits. Then Ruben had to tell him to move a few times, I told him more than 5 times, Matt had to tell him and then ended up yelling at him for being uncooperative while I'm in charge. Then Audrey had to come by ask what's going on and then tell him to move too..... It blew up...after Farruhk went to Garviel and Waheed.... and all this bullshit over nothing, because he felt like behaving like a child; and then went to complain about it when he got treated as such.

2 events going on .... zone 7 for new account and then zone 54 with barclays ...and the parking lot, can't find utog dispatcher drama....and Barclays Manager calling.....big loops of nothing and lack of communication all around .... :: deep sighs ::....so annoying =_=""

We were stripped in the city before I even got a chance to sit down today. I had to worry about the live calls with no @ signs, showing passengers knew of the delays. And then worry about reservations to come, that will also be delayed. At the same time....missing 2 operators, not to mention my own Manager. It was just chaos....
All of this...and then Alex the boss calls me to his office....to finally get a chance to talk..... when it was the worst time to have a talk and drag me from my seat. Luckily, Garviel came in and got me out of there, since I didn't know when or how to interrupt the Boss's conversation with another person when I came in.

And before Waheed leaves....he tells me we have a 50 car party tomorrow. Which I have to put out the info. today...so we can be prepared tomorrow. =_=""

I was so glad when Alex said he called Zack to come back....it was around 5pm and he said in 20 minutes or so Zack would be back int he office. Barclays was mostly thanks to him and his efforts tonight. I was being spread so thin without any proper training for this role they just dropped on me. :: deep...deeeppp EXHALES !!::....



All of this.... while trying to put together Wendy's birthday surprise as well... and everything needed for coordination .... It was just crazy, hectic, and insane..... for lack of better words.
Thank god Zack was there, so I had a chance to go eat as well.... since I didn't even get a chance to order any food when I came in today, it was too crazy. (And I'm still only being compensated as a Dispatcher only, none for any of the roles they just dropped on me, esp. without proper training as well. ) I left the job and I forgot my own jacket =_=""  .... sheeshh....and it's been nippy lately too :/

I miss having a seasoned Manager..... I missed Iskander, I miss Roni..... :: sighs ::....

Surprising Highlight of today: One of my Chinese Drivers, heard the exhaustion and dismay in my voice... asked me what was wrong, told her it was crazy today; next thing I know she told me that if I was to ever leave the company, she volunteers to go with me. But just to make sure it's a good company and she will come with :) and she said it all happy and cheerful. I was so surprised and kind of moved, and semi cheered up, to feel like I have a shoulder to cry on too and not just hear them complain all the time lol. It felt like I made a friend today, and it was real and not just on the level of using each other for work.

Feeling like a lost lamb since Roni left...

What authority and responsibilities do I have as Assistant Manager?

Who is going to train us for our new roles?

Everything is structured in such an unorthodox manner....it's really hard to function in Concord @_@" :: deep sighs ::...

Concord... and it's bells and whistles...

Nothing but shitty end of the stick right now...and over working for the rate I'm being paid at the moment:



08/20/2013 Tues. --- I get a phone call from 136, who basically went off yelling at me, saying why I wrote him up; all because Joey put my name on the slip he wrote. He was also calling me a liar, since I denied having wrote that slip. (When I came in to help cover knock off last sunday // after I taught Drivers for over 2 hours prior to the 3-11pm shift of work. I was exhausted.)

08/21/2013 Wed. --- Rudy Announced My new title: Assistant Manager--, spoke w/Waheed too about raise..he said wait till Alex come back around 8/28th ... and Waheed said ESL class end at 6th class so 2 more


a week later.....


08/28/2013 Wed. --- Juan from zypsee app came and recorded my voice in Chinese, so the drivers can have a version they can understand on their phones. And I'm also asked to translate words visually for the app.

08/29/2013 Thurs. --- I get Audrey drama; embarrassing me in front of the whole floor...over some bullshit that doesn't even have anything to do with me. But her approach came off like she was trying to put me on the spot, for something that I might of made a mistake on. Annoyed me. (This can be confirmed with any dispatcher and or operator during my shift)   // Same day translated for Grisha for a sign he wants to make for the insurance office downstairs.

08/30/2013 --- Fri. --- As per Alex the boss... since we trained Farruhk already, we will put him as a full time dispatcher on the team in the back roll with the rest of us.

Sat. my day off....besides Sundays....in my current schedule... ....... ...... ..... .....

09/01/2013 Sun. --- ESL w/Drivers from 12pm-2pm. But for these drivers I always work beyond the hours I get paid for and they know it. This class#6; I worked from 12-4pm and Concord will only be paying for 2 hours as promised. I thought was last class (class #6) until today lol after a meeting with Waheed (9/3)

09/02/2013 Mon. Labor Day --- I get Rudy calling out last minute cause he felt sick, when he knows I don't do flight check. But then getting dragged back in by Zack. But I can tell he did feel sick, and felt bad for being inadequate to put him at ease when he feels ill.

09/03/2013 Tues. --- While I stood waiting for Crystal to log out, Rudy came out to me telling how he's sorry but can't schedule work around my relationship; so I have to come in on Saturdays from now on until we hire and train someone who can be ready for that schedule (Tues-Sat).

When before Roni left, she and Waheed had a meeting with me about schedule changes. In short, in entails me getting Ruben's schedule and he gets the one they are trying to fill by making Rudy manager. And then Waheed told me no schedules changes for now. .... But now all this bullshit...

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We all got dealt with our current roles because Roni had to leave again, so none of us is properly trained for our current title in the company (Rudy and I). But trying to make it sound like it's about work and nothing personal, and no preferential treatment is just a complete pile of shit.

Farruhk was suppose to be the new comer that was to fill Rudy's old schedule, but because he has a part time job on the weekend, he can't. So we're working with and around him as well.

Ruben, I don't know why. Besides "Rudy, you're my boy right? " is how he approaches Rudy. Never worked a single holiday since we both came to the company. He slacks off whenever he can and work as slow as he can ---so his shift can be over and done with, while doing the minimal amount of work he is being paid for by hourly- regardless.
Yet.... I'm suppose to be dealt with the shitty end of the stick ....is what Rudy thought of last Friday; and now decided to do on a regular business day after Labor Day...which Ruben didn't volunteer and asked to be off again (though its one of our few paid holidays.)



I on the other hand.... has covered for multiple people, from different shifts and titles since I started (Ruben included.) And didn't miss a single holiday in our calendar year till the July 4th of this year.

Believe it or not, I hate having to travel by MTA on Sundays. Because it's the worse public transit day out of the week. All I'm asking is to be fair at least, like have us do alternate Saturdays --instead of just dumping it on me completely. Because I'm not your boy? Who's quick to throw you under the bus every chance he gets, just to cover his ass.
But I'm only your assistant manager at the job, which means I got your back as long as we're working????


What Rudy said to me today, it hurt. Because I like him as a person, and have respect for him as a dispatcher, esp. one that helped trained me as well. I thought better of him. I know schedule changes have been stressing him out since we got our new titles, but this just wasn't right. I've been trying to help him the best that I can since Roni left. I've even covered shifts when he couldn't get people to work it out with him, done majority of the dispatch training.

I feel kind of sick and tired of all the drama lately. I don't get paid enough for this shit. I'm thinking maybe let Ruben have my new title ...so he can really be like " Rudy...I'm your boy dude" lol ... let's see who got his back then... lol Snake ass mofo.