Last Day of the Year 2013... full of surprises... lol

This year is trying to go out with a Bang ! lol

Matt started his new job... DISH ... I'm very happy that he's happy about it, with all the bells and whistles that DISH has to offer; which Concord never did offer him for the last 12 yrs. His family is also thrilled with this new job and all the discounts lol (mostly woman on his end)

I won my first scratch and win card today :)
I thought I won $2 twice, but it was a $2 and $5 price for one type of cards; then I won $20 off another card.
3 cards.... all win... out of 4 I scratched. I'm thrilled, I was excited, silly, and giddy at my store by the train.
I wasn't even sure how it was redeemed, had to ask Andy, and he even showed me a little trick on verifying from the card :D hahaha
Grand total: $27 !! winning !! :D

And just now... I realized Christian just had a baby boy. (Josh's little brother.)
I still recall the first time I met the kid lol Josh had me go with him to pick Christian up at school. We were in middle school at the time and Christian was still a baby in my eyes lol.
Not long ago he called me up when he turned 18 years old... and now a child... just WOW....
I'm stunned.

Just found out Josh moved to CT .....
Moises finished his Associate's degree. (I'm happy :)  for him. )

Going to a gathering Betty decided to have last minute later tonight in the city, and then to Brooklyn to welcome 2014 with Matt and his family. :)

Trust... it shouldn't get more complicated than that...

Myself of all people firmly agrees that in a relationship, no one was born ..just to... make you happy and love you how you want to be loved. Both parties have the right to fight or flight, but in this case... take it as it, one party willing to change and tries, or just leave and call it quits.

I'm thinking to myself ... maybe who and the kind of person I'd like to be with isn't who he is... (right now? .. then I feel like maybe I'm trying to change him and I feel awful. It's like I'm forcing him to become someone else.)

I feel like I'm making him miserable, then I feel even worse because I love him so much.
And those you love are the ones that hurts you the most...
That or our relationship is killing him?
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But from all the lies, misleading things he said to prolong his lies... does make me feel like I don't know who I've been with, is dating, and wanting a future with ( just makes me feel real stupid).

Everything I do, come across, even on a Facebook game.... is revolving around him.

It's like I'm living an illusion, that makes me question my reality all over again... more or less so.... and it drives me nuts.
I need stability.
Nothing feels permanent... unless it's something I'm in control of...
So I don't feel like my life is going crazy, and that I'm lost... like my childhood.

Trust... it shouldn't get more complicated than that...

When I first met you...

12/29/2013
When I first met you... 

I thought you were so friendly and nice; One of the nicest person in the office. 
You're easy to open up to, since you're such a loveable guy. It felt very welcoming for me when I first came to Concord, besides chatting with Wendy.

You were always there to the rescue, I felt taken care of at work. If anything, I thought of you as one of the first friends I made in Concord, that was genuine. 
I trusted you, had faith in you. since you always came through while we were at work.

You were silly, goofy, and a lot of fun to be around since you were always so care free. I thought it was adorable, and all kinds of cute, as always. 
I thought you were a great guy. 

Actually, at some point, I thought I had everything I could ever ask for with you. I might of been waiting for the other shoe to drop, but I felt like the luckiest girl in the world that found her Prince charming, it might of felt unreal like a dream, but I was living it... whenever we were together. I was happy, really happy. 

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You're still the same goof ball I fell in-love with, just no longer reliable to me. 
I just don't know if the person I fell for is real or I fell for a trick you played on me, since you lied so much. 
I've been fighting the reality of what I might be dealing with in m head... and it's been driving me insane. 
I still love you, very much. It just hurts. VERY MUCH.

I could be thinking about you and smiling like a retard spontaneously, or crying uncontrollably and feel like one of the blood vessels in my head is about to pop.  
I don't know how to love you and myself at the same time. I don't know what's right or wrong anymore.
And some part of me keeps feeling like you cheated on me; esp. since you swore so badly saying you didn't. But all I can recall is how you swore so badly about your Dad was in the hospital for real and how you had paper works to prove itl and then destroying my birthday.