Box Car Racer - "I Feel So"

I'm so angry right now, I don't even know where to begin.
I just know, if I act upon what I'm feeling right now... I'd break.
So ---as usual, I push it to the back burner and just functioned on logic.... purely logic... and then my defense mechanism kicks in.

I feel hurt. I'm hostile.

I will NOT be half-assed & be 2nd Option to anyone.

2010, his FB
"Following a phone conversation on the evening of Sunday Sept. 5th - I went & picked up the NYS Driver's Manual from the DMV on Tuesday Sept. 7th. Two days later I went back & got my Learner's Permit for my Driver's License on Thursday Sept. 9th. On Saturday Sept 11th I took the mandatory 5 hr Pre-Licensing Course & obtained my Completion Certificate. Now I've got my Road Test scheduled for Friday Oct.1st (:"




Finding that status post, made me felt kinda bad for the ultimatum at the time--- while not realizing what hardship I actually proposed. But he did it, because he "wanted it" bad enough. So I knew he would try his best when it came to me. I gave him a month to get his drivers license or to never bother me again. I didn't want to see him, hear from him, or even the thought of him at the time. 


Even out of the bad times, I recall the good....collectively...of what I've had in my past. 
They were real. They were kind. And I was sure they invested in me their heart in full, regardless how stupid their actions came to measure by the end of it all.

I had hopes.
I had dreams.
I saw pictures of many lives that will never come to be.

But I fought so hard to hold on to those lives I saw pictures of... illusions of... lies, broken promises, false hope of aspiration. I was being undervalued and I resent that. 

Batteries

Sometimes I really wonder what I'm doing is right or wrong... Or maybe I'm just being really irresponsible.

One liar after another... except one stayed in character during majority of the time span, and the other just lacked skills. Dating have been very exhausting, and beyond taxing on myself mentally, and emotionally.

I'm become more and more jaded as life pass me by.
I still lack purpose... drive, and reason to stay motivated.

Each human being that has ever meant anything in my life, seem to work like a battery for me; some rechargeable, others one time use, some half ass used, or just bootleg trying to look like name brand. And the longer I keep those useless ones......it just looks horrible as time progresses.... like a chemical infestation from its core, just seeping out of that metal wrapping of pure advertisement bullshit.

"Which man would just volunteer that info."
I really thought the one that decides to spend the rest of his life with me, would tell me everything.
The one that pictures having a child with me to look like each other, would want to share his life with me; not just the good but the bad as well.
The one that tells me he loves me and doesn't want anyone else.... would ...


I've had a man that would use me to his advantage when his survival instincts kicks in, but at the same time would offer me his life if needed... or so he said ... lol But at least he made it believable for me. He tried, really hard.

Then I have this one, that unless it's sex and food... I don't really see much effort.




I'm better off by myself it seems.

The Leap ....feeling of that distance when you first bungee jumps...& realizes the spacial gaps.....just you and the cord....in mid-air ..

I've been feeling sick this week, and a little from last week....my throat was swollen and it's back again. I haven't had decent sleep for at least a good month in change now. I either can't fall asleep, or I wake up early and then can't fall back asleep till I'm at the point of exhaustion. My eczema have been pretty active, and my immune system have definitely gone down the latter. And all of this stress for what ? $18 per hour? $15 per hour? People I work with? Not worth it.


Finally had that meeting with Alex today, since last Friday's little shabang.

I don't know if he's senile, got dementia ...or something...... But he forgets and then jumbles a lot of the things said to him during these meetings; and then next thing I know it becomes something else.

          I can tell that as soon as I walked into his office, he wasn't very pleasant. His hair was a mess and seemed cold. The talk with 318 might of done the trick, or Waheed added some special effects in there for me prior to seeing the Boss. Whatever the case may be, I don't really care anymore.
It was a very long meeting about many aspects of his company and his staff. I did not want to speak to him and Waheed at the same time; that guy is a two faced, lying son of a bitch and I don't trust him nor give a shit about what he has to say. But I could also tell that I got him nervous, since he knows I'm not afraid, I'm honest, and got no filter on the truth on things I know about him and his bullshit. (Waheed wasn't in the meeting with us till the near end, so I heard he was wondering about back and forth from dispatch room to Alex's office lol don't know if it's because of nerves or tryings to eavesdrop.)

Today's topic:  first thing he said to me... which was that I caused such a uproar, and how come everyone hates me now, etc lol He looked so displeased. It reminded me of the look on his face when he said Veronica won't be coming back to the company, he won't let her come back anymore.

* Farruhk & his profile being changed (He seemed surprised when I told him everything that was going on in relations to this boy. Said he will check his attendance and if anything duct his pay. Asked me how he was when he was in Business class, told him I didn't hear much problems --esp. not like the ones he's giving me on my end. So Alex decided to put Farruhk back to B-class. ) Alex also gave me some sort of explanation story about why Farruhk got a $3 raise and no extra work, when they dumped all sorts of work on me lol for the same $3 value for a raise.

* Robin (She will be getting a first class ticket out of here, as soon as we get someone good enough for replacement; or till season dies down. ) She is our biggest pain in the ass out of all the operators, and for $14 an hour...that's just some bullshit.

* Rudy (Boss asked me why didn't Rudy manage more, and how come I ended up doing everything and didn't let him do it? & proceeded to tell me "he's the manager, let him do it"  )

*Zack

---- Waheed sat in during these parts of convo. :

* Edwin (Asked me how he was doing and what I thought of the new guy. he types slow.... real slow.)

* Joey (All of a sudden...Waheed chimes in "he's a good guy" and Alex telling me the world isn't perfect lol. Whatever.... )

* Dinara (The issue that no one has the balls to bring up to the Boss. So I did, since I don't fear for my job right now. He gave me some story too, and Waheed had to chime in again about how Zack talks to her and etc ---BULLSHIT ! if anyone did talked to her, and corrected the issue----> then why the hell is she still like this?!?! explain that to me why don't you !!  ) Alex also gave some background story of what he was willing to share etc then he said a Russian saying " a fly thinks he is a plane"

          Today was the first time that I think I saw the Boss annoyed, tho he does try to come off as disconnected as possible. It was around the time when I said that I just want a clear list of my duties and etc // And when I was interrupting him... lol

-------------------------------------------------------
Went on break after the meeting, came back and have a private talk with Wendy too. Marion was comforting me as well, which I really did appreciate. Then Alex called for me around 8pm... basically proposing....$18/hr and for me to stay as a Dispatcher, since my drivers love me. He was surprised that I didn't just accept his offer, and wanted to sleep on it and continue the talk tomorrow.

----Spoke to Murray around 4pm and Waheed was trying to paw some other bullshit on him, about giving Roman to him for assistance or job endangered?? lol Murray was like no, I don't want him,  fire me now then ...and basically said he will just go to one of the many other company options he has to pick from.
----Spoke to Janet from Sullivan and Cromwell.... she gave me some background info. too lol.
----Spoke to Kevin, he looked happy to see me and asked when they were going to give me for his shift lol And that I had him scared when he didn't see me last night when he came in for his shift; he thought I had quit the job already.

Jeff made it very clear to me that they need me at my shift.
I just feel so disheartened from my shift, and majority of the people on it....(off the top of my head, Wendy, Marion, Tanya and Cynthia are the ones I'd wanna say a proper goodbye to. )

879's Wedding 10/22/2013 Tuesday

Went to 879's wedding last night with Matt. We saw  318 and 338 soon as we got there, and they looked very surprised to see us there. It seems like 879 only had 2 tables for drivers, each table 10 people each. It was a very noisy wedding.... since the venue was shared with another couple having their wedding too at the same time. These two couples only had a wooden foldable stand dividing the space, which made them blast the sound system to compete with each other ~_~" which was very annoying and it hurt my ears.

The service at this restaurant was awful... they were rushing us, not to mention a dish wasn't finished but they would come by and it would be time to move on @_@" like WTF?! I'm still eating here damnit!! This was the quickest wedding I've ever been to, it was done in like 2-3 hours.

So who was on our table? HHmmm.....318, 338, 301, 710 (sat next to Matt) , and 858 sat next to me. Then there was 2 woman we don't know who it was, but presume it was friend of the family for Bride or Groom. The other driver's table, I only recognized 136, and I was told and 547.

858 kept on telling me how we're stripped in the city, 17 jobs in zone 1; man was I glad that I took the day off lol. Matt checked his zone 26 too, he has 5 cars and no job hanging. 858 wanted to move up, so asked a few questions about Business class requirements.

Our drivers kept on busting our chops about when we're getting married, it was cute. We took a picture with 879 and his bride when we first arrived. I tried taking some pictures when they were announcing the couple to make an entrance to the stage, but the pictures came out blurred :/ or someone was in my way ~_~"

There was a good amount of dishes being presented at each dinner table, but the order of it was just bad line up. Lobster salad was first and then all the fruits they just took away from us ~_~", this plate should of been last damnit!!

People mostly drank soda and beer ( heineken. ) And I learned my baby loves Quail ! lol
Last night we each put in $100, since it's our first Fujianese wedding in New York, and my Dad said it was fine since we weren't that close with the couple being wed.

Concord's Internal Incompetence

Today just wasn't my day.... I went to the train station and got on the train at 2pm... then the stupid thing wasn't moving for like 10mins .... So I decided to leave and take a cab... and then the train moves....
The cab cost me 33.25 after tip to Brooklyn.
Wanted Snapple, the glass bottle....ordered food and the Snapple....but got the new plastic bottle ~_~"

It's just the little things that's annoying me left and right.
Spoke w/Mom during lunch break... told her if I quit, I'll def. be home for Chinese New Year's this year.

There's just so much nonsense in this company.
Got my raise on 9/11 --- after a long meeting w/Alex and Waheed.
Alex told me Farruhk got his $3 raise when we had a meeting 9/30 ... just so this boy will come in on weekend and still do the same 40hours per week.

I, on the other hand.... got all sorts of responsibilities ... for the same amount... which to me is ridiculous and WTF ?!!?

Below was the e-mail content of duties I mentioned to Waheed, since they decided to duct my pay and do a demotion.

But """""Rudy definitely did not have all the same duties I was given when he was just an Assistant Manager.

~E-mails from the Manager's desk
~Schedules (An excel file has been sent to Wendy since you said she is in charge of it now. )
~POD Manager for package jobs
~I've trained every newly employed dispatcher that came in after myself. (Farrukh, Marcus, Marion, attempted Melynda and now Edwin as well. )

~Rudy is off on Mondays and has a week vacation starting from Christmas// please have someone step in to manage the shift; esp. tomorrow 10/21 Monday
I was told " we'll come up with something" but I don't want people coming to me for what I'm not being compensated for. 

~The customer service roles with all Chinese drivers; we have Lawrence now --- please have him take part,  since during our membership meeting: drivers were told to e-mail/call me directly.
Right now they all wait till my shift to call me, so I hear their troubles from weekends, overnights and mornings. ( besides my own shift.)

~Since Ali left, all the MTA drivers came back to me again, so I'm doing their daily 388 account job line up; like Roman does with MTA & HHHC.
(& I was told Ali won't be returning to us, so I have to deal with Roman and his needs; which some aren't even my duties, it's his. )
~Roman needs document translation for his new pricing position/ &  to "redispatch" jobs which he assigned/ and to speak to drivers that he thinks don't speak english when they do if he just tried.
But not just him tho, anyone hears an Asian accent or remotely thinks they're Chinese I'd get the calls transferred even if they know how to speak English.(ex: 514 he is korean)

~Making excel files when certain account needs it for billing or any kind of processing, really isn't my job now-- is it? I think it's a secretary's job, don't we have Katya for that?

~The data analysis of our company's production reports... I've made templates for every shift, so it can be easier to read and for them to fill out. // Even started doing reports for Zack, since I lacked data for almost 2 months. I have reports from 9/11 till now, which will be sent to Alex in excel format.

~You asked about operator's smoke breaks, how long and how many they take usually; I made a sheet after that and started having them sign in/out --- which Rudy has the sheet now since Friday.

~Lastly, as per Irina>  Tanya from downstairs still need someone to do the 1155 & 1154 account uploads at 9:40pm Monday - Friday; since Audrey said I could stop. """"""